The two lonely girls
by Stoneromy
Summary: Secrets are easier kept when you are alone, but is being alone and keeping secrets the best option they have? Meredith/Cristina parring.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: contains an eating disorder, cutting and towards the end a relationship between two woman. If you don't like this of think this will be triggering, don't read! **

**This will Be my first fanfiction and I would like to thank my beta reader AxCalZona. English is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes, please let me know. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show grey's anatomy, never will and never had.**

They say that there is a friend somewhere in the world for everybody, but who believes that? We all know that kid in school who is always alone and never speaks. Who would want to hang out with that?

In this school, that kid is the 15 year old Meredith Grey. She is the kid who wears black all the time, sits in the back of the class staring out of the window. Although she doesn't pay attention in c

lass, she is a straight A student. For her, it is a good thing that nobody speaks to a nerd like her, that way nobody knows her secret.

She claims that the cafeteria of the expensive Boarding school is way too loud and after mentioning her mother's name a couple of times, the headmaster allowed Meredith to sit in the library during lunch. Breakfast is also easy to avoid, she sleeps till 8, leaving no room for breakfast before school. Dinner? Well, she still has to find a way to avoid that one, but until then she will have to eat a little bit and start jogging right after.

Yeah, she is that freak in school.

It's almost December when it all changes. In her eyes, her body is not perfect it will never be. She is still fat, so why else would nobody notice her weight loss? What she doesn't know is that there is new kid in school, somebody who is also damaged, just like her.

She does the same routine like every morning, get up at 8, go to the bathroom and measure her weight and look at her fat body. When she is done she runs to her first class of the day and sits alone in the back of the class. This time, the teacher comes in with a new girl. An Asian girl who looks bored out of her mind. The same thing as always happens, the teacher introduces the girl, her name is Cristina, and tells her to go and sit somewhere.

'Oh no.', is Meredith's first thought when the teacher asks if Meredith wants to take the new girl under her wings. Why does this always happen to me? Cristina will give her some hope and then she will start to bully her, like every other kid in this school.

"Yang. Cristina why are you attending this school, that btw looks just like a prison?'', and with those words she knows for sure that Cristina isn't like the others. She seems to hate this place as much as Meredith does. '' My lovely mother is always working and she says I make her think about my father so when I was 10 I started at this Boarding school. You?''

'' my mother was driving me crazy and stuff, you know how mothers can be, it got even worse after my dad...' The Asian kid looks at her new friend and stops talking, making meredith wonder what happend.

They are both the strange dark kids; maybe people were right after all when they say that there is a friend for everybody.


	2. Chapter 2

Well, I am back! Hopefully I will update sooner this time. Life got busy and all. If you got any ideas, please let me know!

Thank you again to my beta and all those people who allowed me to stalk them with questions.

Same as for chapter 1, eating disorder and self harm are both in this story.

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Meredith had given up on trust and friendship a long time ago, but the past weeks with Cristina had given her hope. A lot of hope. Where there was once only one girl in the back of the class, NOW there were two. The one kid in the library during lunch break became two. Cristina even started to join Meredith during her running sessions, although not with the best motivation.

The past few weeks had proven a lot of difficulties as well. Like for starters, Cristina loved her food a lot and she would not stop asking why Meredith rarely ate. Meredith would always question the long sleeves of Cristina. No, hiding secrets for a friend is really difficult.

Meredith POV:

'Meredith, stop looking at your food like it's going to kill you.' Cristina finally snapped. It wasn't like the food would kill me, I knew I needed some food in my system, but definitely not as much as everybody thinks a body needs. No, food is only for the perfect girls with the perfect bodies. But nobody would understand this, even Cristina wouldn't. That was one thing I knew for sure.

I looked at her for a long time, still playing with the vegetables on my plate. 'What's your problem Cristina? I am not hungry, that's all!' I almost yelled. The Asian girl in front of me looked almost hurt after my outburst, but I didn't care, they all had their great lives and nobody asked them to be perfect. Nobody! For me it was another story, being the daughter of Elise Grey means that I have to become a great doctor, even if I didn't really wanted to become one.

'Really Meredith, you were late this breakfast. You skipped lunch because you, and I quote, 'didn't want to break the rules.' And now, you only ate an apple.' Yeah. An apple, still way to much. The cups of green tea should have been enough for one day.

What would cristina know about all this? 'Shut up Cristina! You know nothing about me! I eat enough to live, so what are you whining about?! I don't question your behaviour!'

I stand up angry and left for my room.

'Why? Why had I let somebody get close to me? She would leave like all the others had done. She doesn't want a broken little girl like me in her life. That's for sure!'

Cristina POV:

Why does she do this to herself?, Doesn't she know that many people die of this behavior?, Why had I not seen this sooner?, What do I have to do to make her understand?, Should I tell one of the teachers or somebody? I have way too many questions, didn't I let my father die? Now I am letting another person I care about die. I am so stupid!

When we were allowed to go back to our rooms I desperately wanted to go check on Meredith, but what could I possibly do to help her? In the end I went to my own room and locked the door.

A couple of new red marks and some new bandages later, I went to bed, much calmer than before.

The next days Meredith tried to avoid me. and I... I let her. She needed a good friend and I could never be one to her, she was an awesome person and she was so smart! She could do anything if she wanted to do it. But after 6 days of watching Meredith from a distance I knew that she might be smart, but the stuff she does to her body is not smart at all.

'Mer, why don't we go outside for a while? These books give a funny smell to the air and it can't be healthy to spend every free minute in here.' It isn't lunchtime and I really wanted to talk to her, she hadn't eaten anything in 2 days and it worries me deeply.

'So, you are talking to me again?' I can hear no accusation in her voice, she is just stating the facts.

'Yeah... Sorry about the past week... Want to go outside? The sun is shining and the temperature is nice.' I say while still holding my backpack. There is some food in it and my plan is to make Meredith eat all of it.

'Meredith, eat some of the sandwiches, they are really good!' I try to bribe her into eating, but of course I am too impatient to deal with her behavior like a calm and steady person would do.

'Okay, Mer, you don't want to eat?! Don't be selfish, what would I do without you? How would I survive another death? I am hardly coping with the fact that my father died while I should have saved him!' She looks at me with her sad face and leans forward to give me a hug. 'Your father's death wasn't your fault and I promise you I won't die, I am just dieting.' She said calmly.

'Mer, you are not eating at all. You are skin and bones and you will die. You will die if you keep doing this. What would I do without my person?' I tried to give her one of the sandwiches, but I already knew that she wouldn't eat it, not without some more talking.

I stand up and pull Meredith up. She was so so light that it was way to easy. I dragged her towards my room and locked it. 'I knew you wouldn't listen to my words... I know I can't force you to eat... But I know how it feels to be hurting. I know more than anyone in this world Meredith... Please don't die! Please, please, please start taking care of yourself. Why do you hate yourself so much?' I yell at her before pulling my t shirt over my head. My bare arms covered with scars and bandages were there for Meredith to see. Without looking at her I pull down my pants and uncover the scars on my tights. 'I know how it feels... But I won't kill myself by doing this.' I say quietly.

Small arms take me into a tight hug. 'Cristina...' Is the only thing she says for a long time. 'May I?' She asks while taking one of my arms in her hands. I don't look at her and nod. I look at my arm and wait till she is done inspecting the wounds and scars. 'These are deep Cristina... And about the fact that you can't die of self harming... You can lose to much blood, you can cut the wrong place, it can get infected. All these things can lead to your death!' I still can't look at her and tried to pull my arm away. This was a huge mistake. A huge one! I should have gone to one of the teachers and let them deal with Meredith.

'When did you do this?' She asks while pointing at the latest scars, the one I made after I found out about her eating disorder.

'It's all my fault. People around me die, I should be the one who carries the pain. Not you. Not my father.' I cry. Normally I don't show emotions. Normally I would be the calm one. But the cutting isn't normal behavior for me either, well... At least it wasn't months ago.

'Sssssh, it's not your fault Cristina. It isn't. Come, let me clean those cuts and... And after that we can eat something and watch television, sound like a plan?' I can't help but smile though my tears. At least she is trying.

'Yeah, let's do that.'


	3. Chapter 3

New chapter already! How I love camp nanwrimo. Thanks again for everybody who is helping me.

* * *

She will smile that smile and she will laugh that laugh. She will look at you and say with a perfectly straight face that everything is fine but in her heart, in her soul and in her head, it's not. Nothing is, but that doesn't matter. Because she's going to suck it up and hide it all. Because she doesn't want to burden anyone else with her problems and her fears; she's done listening to liars who say they care. She knows no one does.

Meredith's POV

I guide Cristina towards her bed and tell her to take a seat. 'I know I am being a hypocrite when I am giving you a lecture but this isn't healthy Cristina!' I say while getting some stuff to clean and bandage the wounds. I kneel before her on the ground and start with the red wounds on her right arm.

When I am done, I go to her closet and grab some comfy clothes for her to wear. It scares me to see her in this state, she is the strong one; my solid rock.

'We have a class in like 15 minutes.' The Asian kid in front of me says when I hand her the clothes.

'I am aware of that but we can skip it.' She looks like she is going to protest but I will be having none of that. 'It's only one afternoon, we only have Arts now.' I walk to the DVD shelf and start my search for a good movie.

'Mer, we don't have all day, just choose one now!'

'Yeah, then why don't you come over here and pick one?'

'Just choose one now!' Why does she have to be so bossy?

'Okay then, Rissoli &amp; Isles?'

'Never heard of it.' Was the short response from Cristina.

'Then why do you have it?' I ask laughing.

While I'm trying to figure out her DVD-player, I can hear her going through her backpack and not long after, I smell something disgusting. 'Seriously Cristina?! Out of all the stuff you could choose, you chose salami?'

'What? I like it so I thought you would too!' Was her lame excuse.

'Don't you have an apple or something?'

'Apples aren't real food. Okay, they are but they don't have enough calories, sandwiches have!'

I take a seat beside her on the bed and start the series. Of course, Cristina is still annoying me with her stupid sandwiches. 'Fine then! Give me one.' I say after a couple of minutes. She looks at me happily and gives me one of the many disgusting sandwiches. Slowly I start to eat it, very slowly.

'Ladies why aren't you in class?' The voice of one of the so called housemothers comes from the doorpost.

'Sorry, Madam, Cristina wasn't feeling well and I forgot to tell somebody...'

'Still, why are you not in class?'

'She is here to give me some comfort... You know, after my father's death—' Cristina starts to tell the woman but she is interrupted quite fast.

'I am sorry honey, do you to need anything?' The lady asks.

'No, we're good.' I tell her with a small smile.

The rest of the day is spent with watching the show and nothing more.

'So... They are straight? The writers want us to believe they are straight?!' I smile when Cristina brings this up for the 100th time. She even googled it, because she couldn't believe it.

'Yeah. They are.'

'But it's the gayest show I have ever watched!'

'Yeah... They are still straight, Cris.' I muffle a yawn and lay down on the bed. We are in episode five already and I am getting really tired of constantly watching the telly.

Cristina POV

I smile when I see that Meredith has fallen asleep and carefully, I cover her with a blanket. Well, she ate something and she didn't run right afterwards, so that's something. The housemother comes with some food for us but when she sees a sleeping Meredith she takes one of the plates back to the kitchen and tells me that I should heat it up when she wakes up. I nod and continue watching the show. At this point, I'm already comparing Rizzoli &amp; Isles with me and Meredith; constantly doing things together and similarities in personality. Even my room looks like Rizzoli's!

I look at the sleeping Meredith and sigh, she is pretty beautiful when she is asleep. She looks peaceful and I can't help myself by moving some of her hair out of her face. Her lips are my favorite part of her face. They are so full and they have the most beautiful shade of pink.

When I realize what I am doing, I immediately stand up and start pacing. What was I thinking? That's not how you are supposed to think about a friend, especially not when you are straight and your friend is going through a rough time!

I walk toward the bathroom with only one thing on my mind; I need to cut myself from thinking all of this. I turn on the water on the shower and sit down under the hot stream. A blade in my hand but I don't cut. I want to cut but I can't. I know what that would mean for Meredith and I just can't do it. She ate some food, why wouldn't I be able to not cut tonight? Tears are streaming down my face and I throw the blade away. I should stop this. I will stop this.

I don't know for how long I have been sitting here, but I look up when the door opens and a worried Meredith appears.

She walks towards the shower and looks at my arms. A small smile appears on her face when she sees that there are no new scars. 'Hey, come back to bed. It's not healthy to take a shower while being fully dressed.' She jokes during her search for a towel.

I stand up and turn off the water.

'Sorry for waking you up.'

'Don't worry about that, Cris! You just scared me, thought you were cutting again... Or worse...'

'I didn't. I wanted to... but I didn't.'

'That's great. You will always want to cut on certain times but you'll have to learn how to control the urge to do so.' She hands me the towel and picks up the blade. 'How many more do you have?' She asks softly.

'A couple... please take them away from me.' I beg her.

'I will but you have to promise me something... will you please make me eat, even when I don't want to? If it gets out of hand, please tell somebody. I will hate you for that but when I realize you saved my life, I will be forever thankful.'

I nod again. 'I will do that. There is some food for you in the kitchen, want to eat it? And Mer... maybe we should talk to somebody... like a therapist of something.'

'Yeah, maybe we should...'

Meredith ate her food and after that we went back to her room. My room was a no go for Meredith because of the blades I still kept there. For me, it doesn't matter; as long as I am close to her I will be fine.

'Goodnight, Mer.' I lay down on her bed and try to make myself as small as possible, this way the distance between us stays intact, the earlier thoughts not forgotten.

'Goodnight, Cristina.' Is her reply before she moves closer towards me.

It's the middle of the night when I wake up from some weird noises. The bed beside me is empty, so there must be something wrong with Meredith. I jump out of bed and run towards the sound. When I realized it came from the bathroom, I walk in and see Meredith vomiting.

'Okay, Mer. Stop this. It isn't healthy. You are way too skinny and you need to stop this behavior.' I say while kneeling beside her and holding her hair back.

When she stopped, I take her into my arms and try to calm her down some more.

'I wasn't... I didn't want to...' She sobbed into my chest.

'Still, you did it.'

'I felt so sick... My mother once told me something about a girl who vomited after a meal because her stomach couldn't handle all the food... I didn't mean to...'

I look at her and nod. In her eyes, there was no lie and I know it happens. After a long time without food, your body needs to get used to food again.

'Meredith?' I ask after her new round of puking seems to be over.

'Yeah?' Her voice sounded weak, not surprisingly after an hour of vomiting.

'Maybe I should go get one of the housemothers... This can't be good for your body and maybe you should go to the hospital.' I tell her softly.

She gives in way quicker than I had thought. I give her a tight hug and without realizing it, I lean in to give her a kiss on her head.

'I will have to tell them about your eating habits...'

'I know.'

I run towards the room of the housemothers and knock on the door. 'What is it Cristina?' I hear the voice of my favorite mother ask.

'It's Meredith...' I start to explain what happens as quickly as possible, but also with as many details as possible.

'You made a good decision. Why don't we walk towards Meredith room together?'

As soon as we arrived to Meredith's room I notice that there is no change at all. Quietly, I kneel beside Meredith

again while Miss Johnson, the housemother, starts to question Meredith.

'Well Meredith, I fear we will have to take you to the hospital. Why don't you give Cristina a list of what you want to take there and I will go inform your mother now and get my car.' I helped Meredith up and lead her back to her bed.

'What do you need? Toothbrush… some clothes... do you want a book with you?' I ask her after taking a bag out of her closet.

'A book would be nice, yeah...'

I look through her bookshelf in search for a good book to take to the hospital and settle on a safe choice with the Lord of the Rings, by the time I am done, Miss Johnson is back.

'Your mother will take the first flight and she will meet us as the hospital. She is okay with Cristina coming along, so let's go.' I know Meredith isn't happy with having her mother there but she has no longer a choice. The car ride towards the hospital is quiet, but I appreciate it.

What I don't appreciate are the many doctors rushing towards Meredith when they find out who her mother is.

'Get her on an IV now!', 'Heart rate and blood pressure low.', 'How is she still walking around?' Are just a couple of things I can hear the doctors yell.

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please tell my where you want this story to go. I have some ideas, but it can't hurt to hear some more :)


	4. Chapter 4

And another chapter! Thank you anon for your review! I know this is nog the breakdown you want, but that one will come later on in the story!

Thank you to everybody who is Reading this, but also who is helping me and who let me have my freak out moments.

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Sometimes I wonder why I am fighting. Why am I going through this? What's my goal? Do I have one in my life? Is there something to fight for, or is it hopeless? Do I have a reason to live, a reason that will get me through the hard times of life? Do I have to give up? Is that better? It's just a thought, only a thought… but giving up doesn't work at all. You don't solve the problems you have with giving up. Giving up is hopeless and I realice that I will never give up because I have a reason to live. I have goals in my life. And I'm gonna fight for them. I'm gonna fight. Fight for you.

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Cristina's POV

After a while they ask me to follow them to her room. I look through the doorpost and the sight is heartbreaking. In the big bed with the white sheets, she looks even smaller than she already was. The doctors wanted to ask me some questions and I try to help them as good as I can.

'Why do you think she started with this behavior?' One of them asks.

'I honestly don't know. My guess it has something to do with her mother, maybe also with the fact that her father abandoned her. She always has the feeling that she needs to be perfect.' I tell the doctors. 'What happens now? Will she be alright?' It was my turn to ask.

'What happens is up to her mother to decide. We cannot tell you medical things about a patient.' I nod, that's a common thing around hospitals.

'You can sit with her if you want.' I nod again and push the door open. It feels uncomfortable to be in here. The last time I was in a hospital, my dad died. Not one of the best memories I have, I can tell you.

'Hey, Meredith.' I say when I see that she is awake. After a short hesitation I walk towards the bed and sit down in a chair beside it. 'How're you feeling?'

A bitter laugh surprised me. 'Seriously, Cristina, are you that stupid? I am in a hospital. My mother is on her way. The doctors are forcing me to eat… forcing me to become even fatter. How would I possibly feel?'

I look at her in shock; this is not the Meredith I know. 'They want to send me to a clinic. A clinic.' She continues.

'Maybe it's the best for you... this can't go on much longer, I need you to be alive... I need you to prove to me that we deserve to be happy.' I say through my tears. 'Your mother is on her way because she cares about you. They aren't forcing you to become fat; they want you to become healthy again. Please do as they tell you. Listen to the doctors and eat.' I beg her.

She looks at me for a long time and motions for me to come closer.

'I'm sorry. This isn't fair to you... forgive me. It's not me who's talking.' She takes me into a tight embrace and I can smell her flowery perfume. 'I know... ' I simply say.

We stay like this for a very long time. Normally, I hate hugging but for now I don't mind. Meredith apparently needs this, so I am happy to put aside my own comfort. We only separate from each other when a nurse came in with some food for Meredith.

'Ms. Grey, you need to eat all of this. If you don't start to eat in the next 3 days we will have to put you on a tube, you understand?'

I look at Meredith and I can see her struggling. 'I understand.' She just says at the end. The nurse puts the food in front of her and then left the room.

'You heard her, Mer... Do you want any help?'

'I still know how to eat Cristina.' I didn't look at her and decide to ignore her last comment.

A couple of hours later, her mother arrived and I said my goodbyes to Meredith. She hadn't eaten that much of her meal and it worried me. I nod at Doctor Grey and then left the room.

* * *

It has been weeks since the last time I saw Meredith. The only thing I know is that she is being treated for her eating disorder in some expensive clinic. No visitors other than family were allowed.

I talk to her on the phone from time to time and it seems like she is doing better. She even made a couple of friends there and I want to be happy for her but I can't. I am not the jealous type but this just feels like she was replacing me. Now that she is getting better she doesn't need a broken person like me. I only let bad stuff happen to people.

The last phone call has been from two weeks before and now I can honestly say that she has forgotten me. She should, I only bring her danger. My father should have left me after the divorce. He would still be alive if I wasn't in his life. He was in the car with me and I probably distracted him or something.

Looking down, I watch as an angry red mark joins the others on my thigh. I am useless… pathetic. Nobody else should sacrifice their happiness for me. I should have ended it the first time I made a cut.

I can still remember how it all changed. It had been a month or so after the death of my father. People kept telling me how it wasn't my fault and that the other driver was drunk but they didn't understand that is was really my fault. I made him go to the shop because I needed something. Now I can't even remember what it was that was so important. One night, I got so fed up with all the people telling me otherwise, that I had to take it out on somebody. A small but sharp knife and my own skin was all it took.

If nobody else would punish me, I would do it myself. My father had died and I only had a couple of bruises. How could that be fair? More and more red marks welt on my skin that first night. Afterwards, I just bandaged the wounds and I started to wear long sleeves. After a while I started to punish myself for other things, too. Things like, bad grades and when I hurt somebody close to me. Day after day it would get worse. Even when I was happy, I would punish myself. How could I be happy? I don't deserve happiness, not after what happened with my father.

All this ran in my head while I sit in the shower, a blade in my hand and a very red skin. I can't remember ever cutting so much at one time. Normally, I made a couple of fresh scars a day but now I just can't stop. It wasn't life threatening though, I had enough blood left in my body and I would bandage them before moving to a new skin.

When I hear somebody come into my room, I quickly get up and yell that I am in the shower.

* * *

Meredith's POV

'I am in the shower, just a minute!' I can hear the girl yell.

Somehow, I think that she isn't just taking a shower. If I know her like I think I do, she is painting but for her, the canvas is her own skin and the brush is a knife.

I quietly open the door of the bathroom and my guess seemed to be true.

'Cristina, you got angry with me and it worked; now I am doing the same thing for you, you need to stop this. For whatever reason you are doing this, it's wrong!' I tell her while walking towards her.

'It's none of your business. Go back to your new and happy friends!' I admit it hurts but I also learned that it isn't Cristina who is talking, no, it's her disorder.

I look at her for a while and try to decide what I should do. In the end, I decide to do the same thing as I did four months ago, the day before I was admitted into the hospital.

'I met new people at the clinic, yeah, but how could that mean I don't want to be friends with you anymore? I know I should have called more often but I was in a bad place mentally. Then, the therapies became so intense that I was always tired and after that, after that I focused so hard on becoming better I had no time to call. I am sorry if that has upset you but I am here now. I admit I am not quite there yet. I will need to gain more weight and I still have to become happy with myself again and I have realized a couple of things about myself. Now is not the time to talk about that but we will, someday. Let me take care of your wounds now and then we can talk some more, okay?'

I look her in the eyes and force a small smile on my face. I won't tell her the real reason I didn't call, it would only make things worse. If Cristina knew my mother wouldn't let me talk to her because of the bad influence she gave me, she would feel bad. She probably would think my eating disorder started because of her and I wouldn't want her to think that. Cristina made sure I am still alive now. My own mother never could have done that.

I walk towards her and take away the knife. Her entire body is covered with cuts and some are still bleeding. I push her back under the stream of water after I adjusted the water to a normal temperature. While she is under the shower I start my search for the supplies I will need.

A while later, all her cuts are covered with a bandage and I help her towards her bed. 'Cristina, where are all your knives? I want all the sharp stuff out of here. Apparently, they look too attractive to you and this cutting, it has to stop. I mean, look at your body, do you really want to look like this? Covered with blood and bandages?' Okay, I'll admit that that was a little bit insensitive.

'I don't care how I look. I just want the world to see what a monster I am.' She says coldly.

I look at her and take her in my arms. 'You are not a monster, Cristina. Why do you keep saying that? What happened to your father was an accident, those things happen.' She looks at me with those hurting eyes.

'I needed to go to the store. If I wasn't alive he would still be alive. You would never have been inside a hospital if you haven't met me. You would only be inside a hospital to work there.'

If it's possible my grip on her gets even tighter.

'No. I still would have stopped eating. The only difference is that nobody would have cared. Without you as a friend, I would have died. Do you know why I stopped eating? I stopped eating because I felt the need to be perfect for my mother. She wouldn't love me if I wasn't perfect.'

'Do you want to watch the gayest non-gay show again?' I ask in the hope it will cheer her up.

'No. I just want to sleep and all. Sorry, I didn't welcome you back at school like you deserve.'

'Don't worry about it. Just promise me you will come to me if you ever feel the need to cut. I can't live without you.' I say while climbing in the bed beside her.

'Do you also have a funny feeling in your stomach? Like it's full with butterflies?' I ask after a moment of silence.


	5. Chapter 5

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You'll have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts, too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend,

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast

And you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures laugh too much... and love.

Love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset, is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

* * *

Cristina's POV

I look at her in shock. Did she just ask me what I think she did? That can't be right, my ears are playing tricks on me. She can't possibly be saying that she loves me. She is straight. I am straight... I mean, I like boys! The thing I feel for Meredith is just something what you could describe as a good friendship.

'Cristina, are you already asleep?' I hear her whisper.

'No, I'm awake. I don't feel anything, not really.' I whisper back, why are we whispering again? 'Don't you have to be in your room, aren't they like constantly checking on you?' I ask her.

'You feel uncomfortable with me being here.' It's not a question, she is just stating the facts. It's not like I feel uncomfortable with her here, it just feels... wrong, I don't know. I don't like girls. 'Anyway, I told them that I have gotten used to having a roommate and that I don't want too many changes between school and the clinic... so shall I tell them to find me another roommate? I mean, we won't be sharing a bed, I will have my own bed.'

'No, it's okay, Mer. Goodnight.' I turn my back towards her but I know I won't be able to sleep tonight. Too many thoughts are going through my mind. I can't be falling for a girl; that's just disgusting! It would be so uncomfortable, sleeping with a girl. Living with a girl... Everything.

In the morning, I discover that I fell asleep at one point. 'Good morning.' I hear a way too happy Meredith says.

'Aren't you suppose to have a bad mood in the morning?'

'Yeah. Normally you are way too cheerful in the morning, Cris, what's up? It is such a beautiful morning!'

'Okay, you are starting to scare me. Who are you and what did you do with my friend Meredith?'

'Come on. Let's go eat some breakfast and survive some boring lessons!' I laugh at that statement.

During breakfast, the lessons, lunch, even more lessons and dinner, I can't stop thinking about Meredith. I know it's not normal, not even for very close friends.

A couple of nights later, I can't sleep again. It's really becoming a habit of mine. This time, it has a reason though. The wind rustled outside, crunching the dry leaves of the trees on the sidewalk and then the thunder rumbled and shook me. I watched from my bed through the window as a jagged bolt of lightning struck and cracked the dark sky in two as the heavy rain washed down the dirty road. The normally dark room is now lit with the light of an ongoing thunderstorm. In the bed at the other side of the room a calm Meredith is sleeping. I on the other hand, can't sleep. I hate storms, they make me think about my Dad.

UuI sit up and practically jump out of my bed. Remember when you were little and thought that there were monsters under your bed? Do you remember how you would get out of bed in the middle of the night? Jumping far away from your bed so the monsters couldn't catch you and after that, you would run towards your destination. Well, I am doing it now. Just before I reach my destination, Meredith's bed, I freeze. Isn't this like really weird? Another lightning strike makes the decision for me. I get in her bed as quickly as I can and move close to her.

'Cristina, what's wrong?' I hear the worried voice of Meredith ask. I can't answer her, though. I can't calm myself down enough to respond. All the emotions I kept inside and tried to cut away are coming out of me now. I cry like I never have cried before. I cry because of the death of my father, I cry for Meredith and I cry for what I have done to my body.

'Cris, talk to me. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong.' She tells me while putting the blanket on top of me. Just as I am beginning to calm down, another lightning strike and the wind is getting stronger. I move closer to Meredith and wrap my arms around her. Normally I don't do close contact with people. Especially not when I feel vulnerable.

'Are you afraid of storms?' She asks with a mocking tone in her voice. Oh god, what have I done?

'Can you just shut up, Mer?' I tell her while still crying. I have calmed down for now, that's something.

'Do you think you can sleep now?' She asks me after some more time.

'Can... could I, maybe... no, it's idiotic to ask you...' I sit up in her bed and look at Meredith.

'What, Cristina? We already have been to hell and back together. You can ask me anything.'

'Can I sleep here tonight?' I ask her in a small voice.

Instead of replying to my question with words, she puts her arms around me and pulls me back down. 'What did you think? After spending so many nights together in one bed, I would tell you no, especially under these conditions?'

I smile, even though she can't see it in the dark. 'Yeah... Goodnight, Meredith.'

'Goodnight, Cris.'

I, without realizing it, moved closer to Meredith.

'Thank you, Mer, for everything.' I say while closing my eyes. Her response I don't hear anymore.

* * *

Meredith's POV

'Hey, Cris, want to go outside later?' I ask her while we are eating dinner. It has been weeks since the storm and I can honestly say we are both doing better. Of course, nobody knows what the future will hold but for now I am content with my life. I still don't want to gain weight but I have to. Therapy is really helping me and Cristina looks after me well enough to prevent any slips.

'Sure, it's beautiful outside! Want to go out for a walk or something?' She responds. I look up at her with a smile and nod. A walk sounds wonderful. She is right, the sun is shining and the temperature is amazing.

'Summer holiday is coming up, are you gonna do something?' I ask. I really hate the holidays. I know it sounds weird but for me that means weeks of loneliness and quite honestly, I am afraid. Afraid of the temptation of not eating.

'Mood killer!' She just tells me before going serious. And then she starts with 'I got to talk to you...' I look up at her and nod. 'What is it?' I ask softly, afraid of what might come. 'Could we please sit down?' She inquires, now, she has me really worried, it's not like her to act this way. She normally just tells you what she wants to tell you. Straight to the point and definitely no hesitation, but I do as she asks.

'You remember that talk we had?' She asks while refusing to look at me.

'You are scaring me Cristina and what talk? We talk all the time!'

'It wasn't a long conversation... I was scared and you caught me by surprise...' She begins to tell me. I still don't know what she is trying to tell me and as soon as I hear the familiar voice behind me, I know I won't find out for a long long time.

'Meredith, you come here now. Don't make me wait any longer. Especially not when you are talking to that poisoning girl.' The voice tells me. I look apologetic at Cristina and stand up again.

'What do you want, Mother?' I ask her without turning towards her.

'What do I want? First of all, I want you to have respect for me, young lady. Second of all, didn't I tell you not to hang out with that girl? Third, I need you to come with me for your appointment at the clinic.'

'You know, That girl has a name and I won't be doing as you told me. She is my friend and she helped me through a lot. You didn't have time for me but she made sure I am still alive. That was Cristina, who did that, not you. I don't want to go to the clinic with you...' She never lets me finish that sentence and I know she will take this completely out of the context and use it against me. She might even tell it to my therapist and that would mean the end of my freedom.

'I knew I should have taken you back to Boston. That girl only supplements your childish behavior. You will be going back to the clinic, I don't want to be bothered with your disorder. I am a surgeon, I need to do my job.'

'Then go back to do your job. I will go to the clinic on my own and Cristina will make sure I eat and follow my diet plan. All of it. So why don't you go back to Boston and leave me the hell alone?!' I yell. How dare she talk about Cristina like this?

'Meredith, just do as your mother asks. You need to make sure you are becoming healthy again, so you should go to your checkup at the clinic.' The soft and calm voice of Cristina tells me. Hasn't she heard what my mother said about her? How can she be so calm?

'Stay out of this, girl. I will make sure you will never see her again.' Is my mother's response to what Cristina just told me.

'Dr. Grey, I have no idea what I did to get your disapproval but I know that Meredith is doing better now, so why risk the chance of a relapse through to changes in her life?' I hear Cristina ask my mom.

'Since when are you her doctor or her mother? I will make sure the school hears about your ill behavior. Do you really need to ask me why I don't approve of you two being friends? Are you really that stupid? You made her insecure about herself, because of you she stopped eating.'

'That's a lie. I stopped eating a long, long time ago and the only thing Cristina did to me was helping me get better and being there for me.' I turn around to face my mother. Until now, I have been looking Cristina in the eyes for some kind of reassurance.

'Go get your stuff, I won't be discussing this with you any further.' With those words she turns around and walks back towards the school, probably going to talk to the headmaster.

'Come on, Mer, I'll help you grab your stuff.' I look Cristina in the eyes and nod. I hate being in this position.

'It's better to do as your mother says, you don't want to go back to the clinic while you are doing so much better. Just wait till you can talk to your Therapist, okay?' She continuous.

'But she said all those horrible stuff about you…' I whisper. 'She shouldn't have done that.'

'She did but she is just concerned about you. She might show it in a really weird way but she loves you and she wants you to be healthy. Come on, let's go back to our room and get the stuff you need for therapy.'

I look at Cristina and force a small smile on my face. 'Didn't you want to tell me something important? At least you looked really nervous and that's so not you.'

'It's not that important. We can talk about that after your therapy session and when your mother has calmed down again. Don't worry about it.' She opens our dorm room and walks in.

'Get yourself changed into something more comfortable, I will get your food diary and your normal diary. Anything else you need?'

'No, that's all.' I go change as fast as I can and walk back to the bedroom.

'I know they probably have paper and pen there but I packed some, anyway. I also packed you some of your snacks and your shake. You guys will probably drive for a couple of hours before spending your night at a hotel... so you need your snacks and your shakes and some clothes for tomorrow.' I love how she is rambling. This is so not her, I am the rambler, she is just direct in her communication.

I smile and hug her. 'Thank you! I would have forgotten most of it, if I didn't have you.' I laugh. It's the truth, I am horrible at packing.

We stand like this for a couple of minutes. I let my arms fall beside me again and look at her with a smile on my face. 'You're the only one that's always been there for me, listening and holding me when I needed it the most.'

'It's not a goodbye, Meredith. You are just doing a full day of therapy and they are going to examine your health again. You will be back before you know it.' She says with a small smirk.

'Meredith Grey, what did I tell you about hanging out with that girl?' I hear my mother yell from the doorpost. Apparently, the talk with the headmaster didn't take as long as I thought it would.

'I'm coming Mom, Cristina just helped me pack my bag.'

'I don't care, get in the car.' I look at Cristina for a last time and left the room.

* * *

Okay chapter 5! Hope you enjoyed it. What do you want to read in this story? Any ideas? Ano I love your reviews, to bad I can't reply to them!


	6. Chapter 6

Again a big thanks to everybody who is helping me! Enjoy chapter 6 and please let me know what you thought of it! Ideas are always welcome!

* * *

Meredith's POV

'So Meredith, how are you feeling?' Is the first thing my therapist asks me.

'I feel fine, had a huge fight with my mother... but I like the extra energy I now have, I can do normal stuff again... my head is clearer and I don't know… I can focus again.'

'That's good. What were you fighting about?' I really don't want to respond to that question so I keep quiet. 'Didn't you want to come here or didn't you want to see your mother?' She pushes further.

'No, I know I need to come here and I am okay with that. Of course, I wanted to see my mother but she started arguing with me the first second I saw her...'

'Why do you think she did that?'

'She doesn't like my friend... she blames Cristina for my eating disorder.' I tell her eventually.

'And did Cristina have anything to do with your eating disorder?' Ooh, how I love therapy, they just keep asking questions.

'Yeah, she did.' I tell her immediately without realizing how wrong that might sound. 'She has been making sure I eat everything I am supposed to eat. She was the one who found out about it... I mean, my mother was only yelling at me about how bad Cristina was and Cristina was packing my bag with food and everything...'

'She sounds like an amazing friend but I bet your mother is only worried about you.'

'Yeah, Cristina told me the same thing...' For the rest of the session we talk over just simple stuff like school and about hobbies, something I don't have and apparently need to find.

When the hour is over I have an appointment with my food counsellor and we go over a new diet plan for the next month. It's not something I am proud of but I can't let some of the control lose and eat something that isn't on the list. Something I need to work on in the next weeks. Great, even more work. Being ill takes a lot of your time but recovery takes even more.

'Meredith, we are not finished with the talk we had yesterday.' My mother says. She seems so calm which makes me more terrified of her.

'My therapist said she sounded like a good friend.'

'Since when is your therapist your mother? Only I know what's best for my child and in this case that would be taking you back to Boston or sending you to another boarding school.'

Wait… wait a minute… another boarding school? Going back to Boston? That would mean no Cristina. That would mean more lonely years. No, that's not going to happen! My mind was screaming with the thoughts of loneliness and emptiness that will be waiting for me in Boston. 'You already sent me to a boarding school because you had no time. I never got to know my father because YOU wanted to move to the other side of the fucking country! I stopped eating because of YOU. Not because of Cristina! If you put me into another boarding school I will make sure your colleagues find out about me… about everything. How do you think they will react?!' I yell.

'Don't be so childish Meredith. I am just trying to protect you against yourself. You are still too young to know what is best for you.'

'I know what is best for me; I know this is the best school in the country. I know that Cristina is a good friend. Don't tell me I am too young to know what I want in life or tell me how to live my life!'

'You're right. This is the best school for you. I will make sure you remain on this school.' She says with the same calm tone. I know she has something up her sleeves and then she continues, '…but I will find something that will kick that girl out of the program.' What? She can't do that. She has no right!

'For now, I will make sure you will never see her. Not in class and you will definitely not share a room with her.' She finishes with her blow.

I try to reason out with her even though I know it is a lost cause. 'That's not fair. She did nothing wrong. She is my friend!'

'A friend who makes you unfocused and in this case they make you do stupid things. What were you thinking? Not eating… Meredith, I raised you better than that. I am too busy to deal with your behavior.' With that the argument was closed. She had won again. She always does. This time I will find a way to stop her plans. I need Cristina in my life and she might not love me back but I love Cristina Yang so, so much. I don't want to never see her again. I don't think I could survive that.

* * *

Cristina's POV

Spending the day without Meredith is so hard. It's not only boring but it also makes me question myself. She isn't here to calm me down every time I freak out about something. She isn't here to stop me from cutting. I know when I sometimes cut, I also could go talk to her and she is always with me afterwards, bandaging the new wounds and helping me to calm down again.

I'll admit that the cutting has gone worse after Meredith's confession. It makes me question myself all the time. Deep down, I realized a long time ago that I am not as straight as I thought I was. Deep down, I knew I loved Meredith but it's not okay to love a girl. It will make people look at you differently.

I mean, who would want a lesbian to operate on your heart? I look up from my books when I hear somebody enter the room. I expected it to be Meredith, but the sight of her mother worries me.

'Is Meredith alright? Can I help you with something?' I ask her politely.

'It would really help if you stayed out of her life. You only cause more harm, even the therapist said that.' After those words, she starts to pack Meredith's stuff.

I get up and walk out of the room. Of course, I have a bad influence on Meredith; she should not have to deal with me at all. Maybe her mother is right and I should never see Meredith again.

The next couple of hours, I try to calm myself down again, at least being outside means being away from my knives, it is way past dinner when I hear footsteps approach me.

'You weren't there for dinner, that's so not you. You love your food.' I hear the all too familiar voice of Meredith speak.

'You aren't allowed to see me; even your therapist said it would be better.'

'Oh, Cris, you know my mother. She is just jealous that you helped me and I would not let her in. My therapist never said anything like that, believe me.' She hands me some food and sits down beside me.

'Thanks. How was therapy?'

'It was alright, the fact that my mother was there made it horrible though. How long have you been out here?'

I move closer to Meredith and lay my head on her shoulder. 'Don't know… for a long time I guess.' She wraps an arm around me and I feel her warmth. I wish this moment could last forever.

'Maybe it would help if you come to my next session...' She finally tells me. 'What were you trying saying the other day? It sounded important.'

'I don't think I should tell you... I mean, now that your mother doesn't allow us to spend time together...'

She arches her eyebrow and smirks at me 'What am I, a ghost? We are spending time together now!'

I smile a small smile. 'Yeah we are but I don't know if I am ready to tell you...'

'You never know if you are ready for something if you don't give it a try first.'

I look her in the eyes and nod. 'Promise me you won't tell anybody, I think my career would be over before it can ever begin if anyone finds out...' She looks at me and nods.

'Sure Cristina, I won't tell anybody.' I know I can trust her.

I take out a small note and give it to her. No going back now. While she is reading I see tears well up in her eyes and a smile forms on her face. 'This is beautiful Cristina. You know, my therapist makes me read stuff I wrote out loud so I accept them as my own thoughts. Maybe you should read this out loud too...'

'So... You're okay with this? You don't think of me any different?'

'I won't tell you till you read this letter out loud, but maybe you should remember what I told you after I came out of the clinic.' She smiles.

I look down on my scribbled writing. I'm not really sure if I should read it out loud. I wrote it down so I don't have to say it. There's a saying that goes, if you don't say it out loud maybe it won't be true. And that's kinda like what I'm feeling right now, if I read this, if I say these words written in this piece of paper, then it's out there and that scares me. Why do I have to read this? I gaze at her and she's looking at me with her sparkling, expectant blue eyes. I let out a small huff. Curse you, Meredith Grey. I inhaled to gain some confidence and started to read the scrawled note, 'Sometimes I just don't know what to do... I know I'm a kind of strange to you sometimes but I just don't know how to behave when you're around. You make me feel so… I just can't find the words to describe it. I'm so happy when you're next to me, when you touch me, when you talk to me and with me. Just, when you are around, it makes me feel like flying, it's called falling in love, I guess. I rather call it fall into strangeness. And when you're not around, it breaks me. It takes me down. It feels so empty. I just want to you be next to me, now and forever.' I read out loud. 'This is so cheesy; don't make me repeat it again!' I warn her.

'I think it's sweet. You know how I felt for you and it hasn't changed, but are you okay with this? It's a big step for you.'

'I am afraid of what it would mean for my future... but I think I am okay with it. There is only one thing I want to ask you… please don't make it obvious for other people. Your mother doesn't want us to be friends, so there's no way she would agree of this. Just, don't tell anybody and let's just act normal.'

'Whatever makes you feel comfortable. It took me a lot of therapy to be where you are now, so I won't push you.' She tells me while handing me a lunchbox. 'Also I don't want you to worry about my mother, okay? I know some ways to make her feel uncomfortable and if that doesn't help, we will find something else. Until then, don't do anything stupid, alright?' I look at Meredith for a long time and nod. If she thinks she can handle her mother I will let her try.

The conversation ended and a comfortable silence surrounds us. My mind is reeling with thoughts, I just admitted my feelings for her and I don't know where we go from here. I look nervously at Meredith and move even closer towards her. 'So, what now?' I ask her.

She smiles and gives me a soft kiss on my head. 'Now you just eat your food.'

'Thank you for bringing some.' I lift my head from her shoulder and turn towards her. After a slight hesitation, I kiss her on her lips. Her lips are soft and they taste like the strawberry lip gloss she sometimes uses.

I feel her hand on the back of my head as she tries to deepen the kiss but eventually we have to let go of each other and as we try to catch our breath. I start to laugh.

She raised her eyebrows at me. 'What's so funny?' She asks me after a period of uncontrolled laughter.

'It's just... I kissed a girl... I kissed my best friend and I loved it.' She smiles at kisses me again.

'Yeah, you did. You had me worried there for a moment. I thought you were just joking earlier...'

'Nah, why would I joke about this? Who wants to be gay?'

* * *

Meredith's POV

I look at Cristina for a long time and decide it's not worth the risk right now. For now, I am happy that she wants to try and that she isn't totally freaking out.

'It's getting late, maybe we should go back inside.' I tell her when she is done eating.

'I don't want to go back yet... I, I don't trust myself right now.'

I pull her back into my arms and hold her close to me. She doesn't like close contact but she lets me. 'If there is something wrong, you come to my room. It's room 351. Just go to sleep and tomorrow we will figure everything out, okay?' I tell her while stroking her hair.

'I can't. What if I can't control myself? I can't come to you then, you have a roommate and your mother.' She is freaking out again.

'Deep breaths, in and out. There is no need to panic. It's only for a couple of hours, okay? If there is something, you will come to me or go to one of the housemothers. I don't want you to hurt yourself just because my mother is being unreasonable.'

'Can we just sit here for a little longer? I mean, I don't want to cut anymore. You hate the scars and every time I cut I get more scars.'

'You don't have to do it for me, do it for yourself. It's your body, you do this for you. I don't hate the scars, I just wish I could do more and deep down I know I can do more. We can sit here for some more time. Try to calm yourself down some more.' I sit with her like this for another five minutes and when I hear her breath becoming calm I get up.

'Goodnight Cristina.'

'Goodnight Meredith.'


	7. Chapter 7

I can't believe it.11x21 just omg!

* * *

Meredith's POV

I just really hate my mother right now. It has only been two weeks since I last saw her, but she makes sure I know what she expects of me. She doesn't want me to see Cristina and even the teachers help her to make sure I don't. Being a world class surgeon, it wasn't hard for my mother to use her influence in the school. They wouldn't want Ellis Grey, two-time winner of the Harper Avery Award, to move her daughter to another school, would they? That's bad for business.

To top it off, my new roommate is horrible; she is one of those popular kids who seem to have it all. I would have asked for a single room, but even my therapist said it was a good idea to share a room. So here I am, trying to see Cristina as much as possible and trying to ignore my roommate.

Now you are probably wondering why I would hate my roommate. Well... she is dating this popular guy with the perfect hair. Can't remember his name, but his hair seems to be a thing around here. Still wondering why I would be hating her? She is a Cheerleader Captain and she's also smart. Cheerleaders aren't supposed to be smart. They are supposed to be beautiful. Third, she is rich. Not in the 'my parents have money' kind of a way, but in the 'I swim in my money and spend it on stuff I will never use' kind.

Eating alone is even more horrible. Months ago I had this fear of what people would think when they would see me eating. The weeks after the clinic, I learned to watch what Cristina would eat and try to eat as much and as fast as her. It sounds weird, but it worked. Now I am sitting alone at a table and I am falling back to my old behaviour .

I can feel Christina's eyes on me the entire time; well that is when she isn't talking to her new roommate. At first, I wasn't worried at all about her new roommate. Calliope is weird. Okay, that is not okay coming from me, I am weird and I have friends... one friend. Calliope is just a wallflower. Why does Cristina get along so well with her roommate? I am supposed to be her roommate. I am her friend. I am her girlfriend. She shouldn't be sitting there and be happy. Okay, she should be happy and I know I am being unreasonable, but why does she have such a good looking roommate?!

After most of the students are done with eating, I leave my table and head to the gardens, the only place where it's quiet and nobody is watching me. Like every evening, I head towards my favourite tree, sit down and close my eyes. After a while I hear footsteps approach me and I open my eyes again.

In front of me there is a very angry, or maybe it's worried, looking Cristina. 'Meredith, give me your therapist's phone number.' She demands.

'Why would I give it to you? Have you been cutting again and realised it's not healthy?' I ask her while looking at her arms, checking for new red marks.

'No, I have been watching you for the past weeks and you started to eat less and less, but now? Now you aren't eating at all. You aren't going to tell her that next time you see her, so I will do it for you.'

'It's my body and not eating once in a while is okay. Do you know how fat I have become? People only want to make me fat and apparently you are one of them. Besides, why don't you go hang out with your good looking roommate? She probably has no problems whatsoever! Okay, besides the awkward hair eating in the back of the class behaviour .'

She sits down beside me and looks me in the eyes. 'You are not fat, far from it. Callie and I are just friends, is that a crime? And you know, she might be odd and socially awkward, but she is pretty smart. Now, can I please have the number? When is your next appointment and what did they tell you at the last one?'

I smile at her. 'Tomorrow is my next one. They will probably be jealous of my weight lost again. The last time they were. Addison isn't nice, she is dating the guy with the perfect hair and she has her whole life planned out for her. She knows what Med school she wants to go to, she knows what she wants to do later... She is the popular cheerleader who only talks about herself.'

She pulls me into a hug. 'Please give me your therapist's phone number. I don't want to lose you. You can't understand now, but I hope you will one day. About Addison, what does it matter? You could have had a worse roommate!'

I wrap my arms around her and rest my head on her shoulder. 'Can we just talk about something else?' I ask softly.

'First, I want the number, okay?'

I hand her my phone and watch as she scrolls down my contact list. She hands me a pack of chocolate chip cookies and gives me a soft kiss. 'It's going to be alright. Your therapist just needs to know this and you two will figure stuff out tomorrow. Eat something okay?'

I look at her and hand her the cookies back. 'I can't. I just can't.'

'Try to eat something. I have an apple in my backpack so try that one first.' Before I can respond I see that she is calling somebody with my phone, probably the therapist. I don't listen to the conversation because I know I will freak when I do that.

After a while I can feel Cristina's arms around me and I relax again. 'Here, you have an apple. It's not much, but at least you have something in your stomach.' She tells me after a long kiss.

I lay my head on her shoulder and take the apple. 'What... what did she say?'

'Don't worry about that now, tomorrow she will talk to you and she will try to find out why you stopped eating again and I don't know what therapists do. She will tell the school that I must come tomorrow too.'

She wraps an arm around me and stays silent as we watch the sky become darker and darker. 'We should go back to our rooms.' She tells me after it's almost completely dark.'

'Yeah, we should.' I have no intention to get up whatsoever.

'Come on, we have an early morning tomorrow. We should both catch some sleep.'

* * *

Cristina's POV

'In case you were wondering if I would let you sleep in my bed, don't bother asking. I just don't get why people think I am dating Arizona, but they don't think you and Meredith are dating.'

Okay, remind me to never wake up a sleeping Callie. For some reason, she opened up to me pretty quickly. In my opinion, it is because we are both the weirdos here in school. 'People don't think that, they hardly realise you exist. Can I borrow your jacket?'

'That's not a nice thing to say. I don't need it, take it for now.' She tells me then glares at me with her sleepy eyes. 'Why are you awake at this time of the day? Let me sleep!'

'Meredith has to be somewhere.'

'You know, I don't give a shit. Just… sleep!'

I look at her and get the weird need to wake her up again, just to annoy her some more, but then I decided to act like an adult and walk out of the room. Who knows what she would have done.

In Meredith room, it's not much better. Satan is already up and for some weird reason she is throwing clothes at Meredith. 'What the hell is going on in here?' I ask from my location at the doorpost.

'She has to go somewhere out of school ground and she has like, nothing to wear.' Addison answered while rummaging through the closet. That was, in some twisted way, a kind gesture from Mcbitch.

'I have a closet full of clothes.'

'Yeah Meredith, you have. Please let Addison dress you for today. Maybe she could also do your hair.'

'That's a good idea! Meredith, come sit on this chair.' Addison calls her from the closet and moves in front of the mirror pulling a chair. Meredith gives me an evil look, but does what Addison asks her. Ooh, this is going to be so good!

While Addison is doing her hair I start to pack her normal stuff. Thank surgeries for the fact that her mother isn't coming today. Somebody from school will drive us there. Only fifteen minutes later, Meredith is approved to leave the room by Addison. You can say everything about Addison Montgomery, but she has an excellent taste in clothing and she is perfect with hair. I never saw Meredith in a dress before, but it's a lovely sight.

The drive towards the clinic is long and mostly spent in silence. While the car ride wasn't tense, the waiting for the therapist is.

'Meredith, come inside. Your friend can come, too.' A women with a stern expression says to us. At least she isn't as old as I was expecting. I don't know why, but in my world only old people are therapists. Preferably, men.

I stand up and wait for Meredith to do the same. She looks nervous and I have the feeling that she is trying to get out of this situation. The situation where people will tell her, that she needs to get her act together. 'Come Mer, she doesn't have all day.' I tell her softly.

When we finally get to where the woman is standing I shake her hand and introduce myself. 'It's good that you called, sweetheart.' Ooh, how I hate that word. What's next? Short nicknames based on my name?

'It's what everybody would have done.' I reply.

'No, it isn't... you are the only one who does that for me.' Comes the soft voice of Meredith from beside me, I look at her and give her a small smile. Normally, I would have hugged her or gave her a small kiss. In public, I have to make sure all my walls are up and acting soft towards Meredith won't do that.

As soon as we are in the therapy room we took our place on some comfortable chairs, another thing I pictured different. I was definitely expecting a sofa or something like that.

'So Meredith, can you tell me what is going on?'

'There is nothing going on, I am fine.' She is defending herself again and it won't help her recovery.

'Meredith, can you tell me why you stopped eating again? We will examine you later, but for now I have to hear why.' She tries again. It only results in Meredith freaking out. After the first time, Meredith's face was already turning pale, but now her breathing is fast and it looks like she is going to hyperventilate any moment.

'Meredith, look at me.' I say softly to get her attention. 'It's okay. She is only here to help you. I am here to help you. Why won't you let us?' I continue.

'She is right Meredith. I am here to help you, but you have to answer me.'

'I… I don't know. I was doing great, had figured out what worked for me... and then… then my mother…' I look at her again and see the tears form in her eyes. How I hate to see her like this. Why was her mother so selfish?

'Why don't you first tell me what worked for you; what your mother did can come later.'

She dries her face with her sleeve and tries to answer the question as good as she can. She really surprises me with her way to deal with eating. I mean, sure, it was awkward to feel her eyes on me the entire time we were eating, but I would never have guessed that it was actually helping her with eating.

'Okay, that's a wonderful way to deal with everything. Why did it stop working?' The therapist pressed, Meredith had just calmed down, but now the tears are falling again. She looks at me with pleading eyes.

'Mer, you know you should say this all out loud. It's your story to tell, not mine.'

'I don't know if I can.' She tells me softly.

'Of course you can. Just take a deep breath and try.' I can feel the therapist's eyes on me while I am calming Meredith again.

'I told you a while back that my Mom and I got into a fight... last time I was here, I lied when I told you everything was fine between me and my mother and we didn't talk about it again. She made some decisions for me and one of them was that I should never talk to Cristina again.' She is still looking at me, but if that means she can tell the therapist everything, it doesn't bother me. 'At first it went kind of okay. I would still see Cristina after dinner. We would go to the gardens and we would hang out and talk. Eating was already harder at that point. I still ate, but less than what I ate when Cristina was still around during dinner. It became harder and harder and...' The therapist hands her some tissues and tells her that she should calm down again.

'So Cristina, maybe you can finish her story for now.' I nod and start to explain how she would eat less and less and eventually stopped eating all together. After that, we talk about some smaller stuff. I can see how Meredith is getting more and more tense again as the clock moves closer towards the hour.

'Thank you, Cristina, for joining us. I need to do some checkups on Meredith and I need to tell her what her options are. Why don't you wait outside?' She tells me.

I nod and get up. 'No problem, whatever helps Meredith.'

I am almost at the door when a panicking Meredith tells me to wait for just a second. I turn around and what I then see is truly heartbreaking. If I thought I had experienced a panicking Meredith before, I should think again. Her tears are falling freely and it seems that she is hugging herself. Even her therapist looks shocked.

I walk back to where she is sitting and wait for Meredith to look me in the eyes. It takes a while, but when she does I can see how broken she really is.

'I will be just outside of this room, Meredith. You just have to calm down again. Your therapist wants to help you, what's so scary about that?'

'I don't want you to leave again.' She sobs hysterically and holds my arm with a tight grip.

'I am not leaving; I will be only a couple of meters away.' I tell her again, but she won't let go of my arm.

'Okay. Why don't we talk some more about small stuff? Would that help Meredith?' The therapist asks from her position.

I sit down on the armrest of Meredith's chair and start to make small talk with the therapist. Meredith's grip on my arm starts to loosen, but I have the feeling that she will freak out again if I try to leave.

'Okay, Meredith, do you think we can go on with our session?' The therapist asks after another ten minutes.

'Why can't Cristina stay?' She asks in a very small voice.

I just sit and pull her into my arms. 'Meredith, you have been through a lot more than a conversation with a therapist and some checkups. You can do this, okay?'

'I can't. Not again... this time I need somebody here...' She sobs in my arms. I look at her therapist and quietly ask her to give me some advice.

'Okay, Meredith, what part of the checkups do you fear the most? Or is it the talking we will have to do?' She asks while writing something on her note block.

'The weighting and the part where you will take away my freedom again...' She admits after a long silence.

'Okay, because you asked if she could stay and you are now older than 16 years, she can stay. I really don't like non- family members or even anybody in here while I am examining you but if it helps you, I can make an exception.' The therapist finally says. I don't know if I want to be in here, she looks so vulnerable and it breaks my heart. The therapist continues, 'Okay, Meredith, you know what to do. Take your clothes off and get on the scale.'

I give her a reassuring smile and take her jacket. She looks so broken right now. I wait patiently until they are done with all the medical stuff but at the same time I am trying to listen to her stats. It doesn't sound that bad, but it's not good either.

'Okay, Meredith, are you ready to talk about it now?' The woman asks her. She is patient, but maybe even too patient.

I am still sitting on the armrest and I can feel Meredith leaning into my side for support. 'I don't think I have a choice...' I wrap an arm around her again for support.

'Meredith, I am going to let you two talk in private.' I tell her and stand up before she can grab my arm again. I know I won't be able to be here for her. It's not that I don't love her; I just can't see her like this.

The walls seem to close in on me, so I walk to the door and go outside. It's a sunny day, again, but I don't complain. Even if it was storming I would have gone outside.

'Why did you leave?' I look in the eyes of Meredith Grey and give her a sad smile.

'I just couldn't see you like that, so… so broken.' I tell her with a soft voice. 'I'm sorry... I mean, I should be able to be there for you...'

She sits down beside me and lays her head on my shoulder. 'It's okay. I think it was for the best.'

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Please tell me what you thought about this chapter!


	8. Chapter 8

Hello again! Still the same as in chapter 1 you know. I don't own grey's anatomy. I don't own the episkey charm ( nor am I able do perform one... ) and there can be some triggers in those chapters. Have fun reading and please let me know what you thought about it. Also grammar and spelling mistakes should be pointed out. ( being Dutch is not an excuse for me to not learn more and more about the English language )

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Meredith's POV

They would talk to my school and Mother again. Weekly checkups at the hospital or with the school nurse. More therapy time. I'll spent at least a part of my summer vacation in the clinic... but at least I am free to go.

I get up again and help Cristina up. While grabbing her arm, I can see her wince in pain. 'Cristina...?' I ask softly. I know what it means; I just don't want to realize it just yet.

She avoids my eyes and stares at her shoes. It's understandable that she relapsed, I did it too, but it doesn't mean it is okay. Going in on this now would do no good, we are supposed to meet the teacher in a couple of minutes.

'Come, we will talk about that later...' I wrap an arm around her and together we walk back towards the car. During the ride back, the teacher talks about how the school will control everything again and that we won't be roommates until at least after the vacation. It has something to do with me being independent or some shit like that. For now, they will put us in some classes together and they will allow us to spend time together. Even my mother agrees with this.

Back at school, we walk towards my room in the hope that Addison isn't there. She isn't most of the time; at least she is not as much in her room as Callie.

Everybody is still in class and apparently Cristina feels comfortable enough with holding hands in private, so we walk hand in hand to my room. Nothing unusual for some girls, but for our type of girls it is and anybody who knows Cristina knows that she doesn't do close contact so holding hands is a no go.

'You know, Callie is kinda right, you two make a cute couple.' I can feel Cristina stiffen up beside me and I let go of her hand. I know she doesn't want anybody to know and if that's so important for her I will make sure nobody knows.

'Shut up, Addison. I had a rough day, okay? She is just trying to calm me down and you are so not helping.

Addison smirks at us, seems like she knows something we don't. 'Then why does Yang look like a deer caught in the headlights?'

Okay, I can't give a reply to that. She does look like that…

'Can you just shut up? We are both straight, you know. We are just friends.'

'Do you believe that yourself? Hey, I am totally fine with everything! If you two need the room for the night I can find someplace else to sleep.' She says nonchalantly.

'We are not dating, so we don't need a room for us alone! Go annoy somebody else, okay?'

'It's really okay, you know. I love lesbian couples.' She probably thinks she is helping but I know Cristina is only freaking out more and more. She looks like she wants to puke or cry or faint or even do all of those.

'Well, go search your lesbian couple somewhere else. Aren't you supposed to be in class?' Addison looked at us for a last time and walks away. I turn towards Cristina and give her an apologetic smile. 'Come, let me check your wounds.'

This happened way too many times before, Cristina just staring at a wall, me bandaging her arms or her thighs and trying to help her. I know it can't go on like this much longer but every time, I want to give her another chance to help herself. She did a lot better a while ago, but now, it's bad. Really bad.

'Cris, we should get you the help you need.' I tell her while looking at her in the eyes. 'You can't continue doing this; you deserve so much more than what you are doing to your body. Don't live your life like what you are doing now. People will still accept you. They will see you as the person you are, not as just some lesbian. Addison is okay with this, Callie is. Why won't you be okay with us? I can't take this any longer. We are in high school, we should enjoy our lives and we shouldn't hide everything. Whatever we do after high school doesn't matter... but please don't panic every time somebody thinks we are dating. I love you, so why won't you let me in?'

'I don't need help. I am doing fine! My life will be over when anybody would find out...' She is panicking again.

I look at her for a long time and shake my head. 'Your life won't be over, Cris. It's just your private life. Nobody cares what you are; they just want you to be good.'

'Thank you for bandaging my arms. I'm going back to my class. I'll speak to you later.' She sounds cold, like she doesn't want me to be around her. Probably she got scared, again, and is pushing me away. Again.

I watch her leave and close the door. Great job, Meredith, great job!

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Cristina's POV

I walk as fast as I can back towards my room and close the door. I can't take this anymore. I need my knife and I need it now.

Lines. Angry red lines cover my skin. I know there will never be enough of them, but I also know that I can't die. It would be too easy. I need to feel pain. After a couple of lines I stop and think about all of this. Meredith shouldn't feel responsible for me, I do deserve the punishment I give myself. My dad died. Meredith almost died. Addison found out. Callie found out. My fingers find my knife again and I add some more red lines. This should be enough for today. And like always, after cutting I feel tired and content. My eyes start to close and before I know it, I am fast asleep.

A scream wakes me up. 'O my god, Cristina, what did you do?! Addison, get Meredith over here. Now!'

'It looks worse that it is, Callie, it's only some blood; not deep or too much at the same time.' I try to calm my roommate down.

'It doesn't look as bad as it is? Cristina Yang, this is bad. Your arms are covered in blood and it doesn't look like this is the first time.' She practically yells at me.

'Oh, come on. Never seen any blood before? Grow up already.' I turn my back towards my roommate and cover my body with a blanket.

'Callie, stop shouting at her. It won't work. It will only make things harder for me. If you can't handle being here you should go.' The bossy voice of Meredith reaches my ears.

'Addison, could you get me something to disinfect the wounds. Get me a towel and some water... and bandages.' She continued while walking towards me.

'You knew? You knew and you didn't do anything?' Callie yells at Meredith. It's true what they say, Latinas are good in fighting. It's weird to hear the quiet kid yell at somebody.

'Not now Callie, I need to help Cristina, okay?' It's really weird to hear Meredith flaming somebody other than me down.

I can feel somebody taking place on my bed, but I don't bother responding to them.

'Cristina, why don't you give me the knife?' apparently, I am still holding it. I don't want to give it to her; she will just take it away from me. This is probably my favorite knife. 'Cristina, don't do this. Let me bandage your wounds and after that we should all take a seat and talk. Give me the knife.' I tighten my grip on the knife even more and move it underneath me so it will be harder to take away from me.

'Yang, let us help you.' since when is McBitch concerned about somebody else?

'You don't want to help me. If you did, you would let me have my pain. I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to have friends or be alive.' It wasn't really my intention to say that out loud, but it's getting too much for me, all these people in my room. Meredith so close beside me while there are other people, people who think we are dating, in the room.

The person beside me lays an arm on my head and starts to stroke my hair. 'Cristina, if you don't give me your knife, I will have to take it from you.' Does Meredith really think she is stronger than I am? What a joke.

'Okay Cristina, you asked for it.' Callie's voice comes from somewhere close to the bed.

Before I know it, she pushes me on my back and pins my arms beside my body. I try to kick her, but she pushes my legs down, too.

'Cristina, calm down. Let go of the knife, honey.' I move my head so I can see Meredith. Her mascara spreads across her face and new tears are constantly rolling down her cheeks. I stop fighting against Callie and let go of the knife.

'Meredith...?' I ask softly while reaching for her, I just can't see her like that. This is all my fault. She takes my hand and gives me a sad smile.

'Cristina, I am going to clean your wounds and bandage them. Maybe you want to take a shower?' She starts to tell me before Addison stops her.

'I know she is covered in blood and she probably should shower, but I have a feeling that she has sharp objects in the bathroom. It's not okay to leave her alone.' For somebody who rarely knows me, she is right and I hate to admit it.

'Don't worry, Addison. I won't let her out of my sight.'

'Grey, I don't think your girlfriend is up to do the nasty now.' Okay, Callie is getting braver and braver by the minute. Why doesn't she go back to eating her hair and not speaking?

'As I was saying, you probably want to take a shower and put on some fresh clothes. One of you two could change her bed sheets. They are still bloody. We should also talk about all of this, okay?' She doesn't leave me much choice as she helps me up and leads me to the bathroom.

She locks the door and takes me into a tight hug. 'Take a nice long shower okay? The wounds aren't bleeding that hard anymore.' I nod but don't do anything else. It feels weird to be ashamed of something I did to my own body, but at this moment I am.

'Come on, Cris, what's wrong?' She asks me desperately.

'Nothing. Everything is fine. I am fine. I am fine.'

'You know, the words I am fine have absolutely no meaning at all. I used them way too many times and you did too. You are not fine. You are covered in blood. You are freaking out about people finding out about us. You have so many new wounds, not only the ones from today but also the ones you made in the past weeks. You are standing here, trying to hide as much of your body as possible. You are not fine.'

I look at her with surprise and move closer towards her. Why does she always know what's going on in my mind? She just mentioned all the thoughts that were running through my mind.

'What happens next?' I ask her with a small voice. Since when did I become so weak? So vulnerable?

'What happens next? I don't know yet, Cristina. We will talk about it later. Come on, take a nice shower and stop worrying.'

I nod and turn around. I can hear Meredith go through the cabinets, probably searching for sharp objects. She shouldn't have to do this. She should focus on herself instead of me. I strip out of my clothes and go stand under the hot stream of water.

'Meredith?' I ask after I turned the water off.

'Yeah?' She opens the shower curtain and hands me a towel.

'I know it's unfair to ask... but could you maybe... no, it's stupid.'

She looks at me and gives me a small smile. 'You want me to stay with you during the night?' How can she know that?

'You don't have to...'

' I really don't mind Cristina, as long as you are okay with it.'

' Thank you.' I look around me for clothes, but apparently somebody cleaned and my pile of clothes is gone. The only things left are the bloody trousers and t-shirt I had been wearing earlier.

' One last thing, could you get me some clothes?'

She looks at me and then looks at the pile of sharp objects she has collected.

'No, you are so not letting Addison or Callie pick my clothes for me! Meredith Grey, you are not going to torture me.'

'The irony is high on that one. You know, with all the cutting.' She did not just say that!

'Dark Meredith, dark. Get me some clothes. Take the sharp objects with you and get me some damn clothes!'

She looks at me for a while and then does what I suggested. She comes back with probably the shortest shorts she could have chosen and a plain shirt. I realize I really should have let somebody else give me clothes to wear, seeing I will have to a talk with roommates about my cutting habits. I mean, they will only see my scars now. 'Seriously, Mer?'

'What's wrong with it? You asked for clothes, nothing specific!'

'These shorts are shorter than my underwear.'

'Then why do you own them?'

I look at the shorts again and vaguely remember where I bought them. Nope, these aren't shorts. 'Never mind. These are shorter than the underwear I normally wear... My mother bought these for me for under a dress… me in a dress.'

'They look like shorts.'

'Meredith, I love you. I don't love your fashion sense. Even I, a tomboy for life, know more about the difference between shorts and underwear.' If looks could kill I would be a freaking dinosaur by now. Honestly.

Realizing this is the best I will get from Meredith I put them on anyway. Callie walks around in her underwear all the time, so this wasn't all that bad. Right?

When I walk into the room I realise they don't even notice my clothing style of the day, they are in a weird discussion about how to heal my wounds.

'You know, the Episkey Charm would be so more efficient than bandaging it.' Okay, Callie isn't allowed to watch Harry Potter. Like never ever, ever again.

'The what?' Addison dares to ask. Don't do this to me Addison. I started to like you, I really, really did. You have your many flaws, but I was ready to accept them and welcome you as a friend. Now I am not so sure anymore.

'The Episkey Charm is a charm used for...' I look at Meredith and in silence we decide to; 1) zone Callie out 2) take place on my bed and 3) start with bandaging my wounds. It's true that a charm would be so much more efficient, but since we are not in freaking Hogwarts we will have to do it, as Callie would say it, the Muggle way.

She is getting quicker at this, I am not quite sure if that's a good sign or not. Probably not, it means that she has done this many times before, so I have made new wounds way too often.

'Okay, I have no idea what you are talking about, Callie. Can we focus on Cristina now? I don't think any of us is a Wizard, so come up with some real ideas.' The annoyed voice of Addison wakes me up from my rambling. I spend too much time with Meredith; I am starting to ramble in my head.

'Cristina, this can't continue. Please let people help you. I know how hard that can be, but please...' She doesn't understand me. I can't stop with this. I let my father die and I lived. I shouldn't be here. Why don't they mind their own business? I stare at Meredith with anger. It's not anger towards her though, I am only angry at myself.

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Meredith's POV

I can officially say that I don't get Cristina Yang right now. She isn't the happiest person, but she is never angry. 'Cristina, I know why you started cutting. I know what triggers you nowadays. What I don't get is why you don't want help.' I try again.

'You know, Meredith, you can be really stupid from time to time. I want help. I want people to tell me what I did wrong. Not your kind of pathetic help. I am fine. I won't die, that would be too easy. Don't worry about me.'

I look at her and a tear slides down my cheek. Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see that Addison and Callie are also shocked by her behavior.

'Yang, two options: you continue like this and I will call your mother and make sure you get the help you needed or you start to talk to a therapist about all of this.' Addison joins our conversation. She does have a point. This can't go on any longer.

'Guys, could you two maybe leave for a second?' I ask them when I see the look on Cristina's face.

I watch them leave the room and I stand up to lock the door again.

'Meredith?' I look up at her. The anger has definitely left her body, now only guilt and pain can be seen in her eyes. Cristina isn't always easy to read, but when you really try you can see so much in her eyes and in her body language.

When I take place on her bed again I open my arms and invite her for a hug. 'It's okay Cristina. Everything will be okay.' I softly tell her.

'No, it won't. Those scars will never heal. Callie and Addison know about us. It won't be okay.'

I look at her and give her a soft kiss. 'They won't tell anybody and even if they did, who cares? It's high school. Even if everybody knows, it doesn't matter. During Med school we will get the chance to start over again and if you don't want people to know, they won't. Cristina, those scars will still be there, yeah, but they will fade a little and I don't mind. They are a part of you.'

She still doesn't look convinced and she even tries to hide her bare skin. 'Cristina, I hate what you do to yourself, but I won't love you less when you have scars. Okay?'

'What now?' She asks. At least she lets me in again.

'Now you put on something decent and then we go eat something. Sounds like a plan?'

'As long as you eat something, I am in.' I start to laugh and give her another kiss. 'I will.'

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Please leave a review!


	9. Chapter 9

Hello everybody! Hope everybody is still enjoying this story!

Thank you for the lovely reviews! Love talking to you all. In a way I am kinda proud of this chapter. Let me know what you thoughs are.

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Cristina's POV

I look over at Addison and Meredith who are lying on my bed. They both thought it was becoming stranger and stranger for me to wear long sleeves. Apparently, now that summer is almost there, I should wear stuff that's not too hot. When I asked Meredith, she just gave me a quick kiss and told me that 'I smelled funny'.

Currently we are trying make up, but as I already told Addison it wasn't working. I mean, I still have pretty thick scars and it will take time for them to become less obvious to the eye. I also have my slip ups now and then. The therapy works. Addison, Callie and mostly Meredith are keeping a close eye on me, but some days everything just becomes too much and I will find a way to cut. Just like Meredith has her bad days.

'Guys, this won't work. Like, not at all. I am just too damaged to hide those.' I tell them while looking at the ground.

'No, you are not. Yes, your skin is damaged, but from the inside you are starting to heal. You made such good progress, Cristina. I mean, I can now kiss you while Callie and Addison are in the room.' As she speaks I can hear her voice becoming louder and when I finally look up she is standing right in front of me.

'Still, I made myself so ugly. You deserve so much better than a cutter, Meredith.'

She takes one of my arms and starts to kiss the scars. 'I don't trust people who have no scars, whether the scars are inside or for the eye to see. But this make up makes them even more presentable to the naked eye.' I smile at her last comment and give her a small kiss.

'Get a room you two. I have the perfect solution! These are things you can wear over your arms and they hide tattoos and scars and stuff. They are also not as thick as short sleeved shirts. Try these on, Cristina.' Why is Callie such a mood killer, okay, I'll admit that her solution is brilliant but still...

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Meredith's POV

Summer holiday. The time to relax, hang out with friends and catch up with family. However, for me, it's none of that. Spending your days in an eating clinic isn't that relaxing. Cristina, Addison and Callie are on the other side of the country or somewhere in Europe. It's weird that we have become friends. I mean, Callie is kind of the same as me and Cristina, weird, anti-social and a wallflower. Addison, on the other hand, is our complete opposite, she's friendly, Captain of the Cheerleading Squad and she is very popular.

Currently, I am waiting for my mother to pick me up from the airport, at least some sort of normal holiday stuff. She seemed okay with me being friends with Cristina. Apparently, my therapist talked to her and Elise Grey listened.

'Morning, Mom.' I say cheerfully as she walks towards me.

'Morning, Meredith. How are you doing?'

'I'm doing fine. Do you have any surgeries today?'

'Don't ask stupid questions, Meredith. I am a surgeon; of course, I have surgeries today. I have an important project going on at work. I can't have you around. You are going to Los Angeles for the rest of your school break. I spend more than enough days on you this year.'

Why did I expect this from her? Oh yeah, because I have known her for sixteen years and she always does this. 'When do I leave and with whom am I staying?' I ask coldly.

'Don't make it so hard, Meredith. You are leaving tomorrow, so we could have some dinner tonight. You are staying with Doctor Rubinstein.' Okay, I know how this is going to end, me with a take away and my Mother who is very sorry, but not really. Who the hell is this doctor Rubinstein, I don't know, probably some weird dude who does plastics or something. Anyway, I have no intention to ask. I will see who they are when my plane arrives.

I take my bags and walk behind my mother towards her car.

Hours later, I sit on my bed with a pizza. She got pulled into an emergency surgery and won't be home till late. Yep, exactly what I had expected. I don't really mind, I have gotten used to this.

In the morning, she wakes me and tells me to hurry. She apparently needs to be at the hospital this morning and she can only give me a ride to the airport now. I honestly don't know why I have to go to Los Angeles right away, but she has her weird reasons.

The flight was boring and the wait for my luggage was long. I was tired of flying two days in a row and now I have to act hospitable towards those people.

I start to search for a sign with my name on it or something like that, but what or better who I find is so much better. I walk towards the person and give her a hug, 'Hey, Cristina!'

'Why are you so surprised, Mer?' She asks me laughing.

'Euhm... well, my Mother kept talking about some doctor... she never mentioned you!' I laugh.

'My mother is waiting outside in the car; hope you don't mind staying with us for the rest of the holiday?'

'Isn't it a problem for you guys? I mean... you know...' I ask uncertainly.

'My parents don't mind you staying with us... but you know, they don't know about me and us and everything... they think I go to a therapist to talk about my father, not what happened after. Please don't mention us or me or anything like that...' I look at her a little bit hurt. I know she still freaks out every time somebody makes a comment about us, but I had hoped she told her parents. I know it's kind of hypocrite of me to be hurt about Cristina not telling her parents... my mother doesn't know either and I was planning on keeping it that way.

'Okay, I won't. How are you doing?'

'You spent weeks in a clinic; I should be asking you how you are doing.'

I give her a quick kiss, 'You are not telling me something, what is it?'

'We are in an airport; my mother is waiting outside... shall we talk about this later?' I look at her and nod. Whatever she wants. I take my bags again and start to walk, where I have to go is still a mystery but I am sure Cristina knows the way.

Her mother is nothing like my mother. I know Cristina thinks she is overprotective and too involved in her life, but for me, it's a whole new world, 'How was your flight?', 'How did the two of you meet?', 'What do you want to eat?' Too many questions at once and I have the feeling she doesn't expect me to answer a single one of them.

'Make yourself comfortable. Cristina will show you where everything is and if you need anything, just take it.'

I smile thankful at the woman in front of me, 'Thank you for letting me stay here.'

'Okay, Mer, shall we drop your stuff in my room?' Cristina interrupts us.

'Yeah, let's do that.' I follow Cristina towards her room and look around. This is so not Cristina.

'Don't. Say. A. Word. About. This! My mother decorated my room.' I look at her and can't stop the laughing anymore.

'I hate you, Meredith. I really hate you. Stop laughing.' She throws a pillow towards me but my laughing only gets louder.

'Oh, my god, Cristina. Oh, my god. It's even clean.'

'You are so annoying. Of course, it's clean. My mother cleans it like every day.'

I wipe the tears from my eyes and go sit on the bed, 'Okay, don't mind me. Where can I put my stuff?'

'In the closet.'

'Where you are in, too?'

'Very funny, Meredith. Last time I checked you are in it, too.'

I smile at her and lay down on the bed, 'I am too tired. Just give me five minutes and then I will start unpacking.'

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Cristina's POV

After unpacking Meredith's bags I go downstairs to say goodbye to my parents. My dad has to go to some dinner and like always, my mother goes with him.

'You sure you two don't mind staying all alone?' My over protective mother asks me for the hundredth time.

'No, Mom, just enjoy your evening!' I tell her again.

'There is food in the fridge and when you want something else you can always order food.'

'I know, Mom. I know how to order food and stuff. Now just go.'

'Don't be so rude to your mother.' Why does my dad always interrupt me when I am trying to make a point?

'Sorry, Dad, what I meant to say is that we will be fine and that you should enjoy your evening.' This seems to do the trick and after I waved them goodbye, I walk back towards my room. It has been hours since Meredith fell asleep. I crawl in beside her and wrap my arms around her. This is something I don't do very often, but who would find out about this besides Meredith when she wakes up?

With a soft kiss on her lips I try to wake her up. She should eat something since she missed lunch and all. 'Lemmesleep' she mutters while turning towards me.

'You have slept for hours, Mer. You should eat something first.' I kiss her again and this time she gives a more awake response.

She moves her hand towards my hair and starts to deepen the kiss, something I can't complain about. When we finally move away from each other so we can breathe again, I give her a huge smile. 'It's so great to have you here for a couple of weeks! I know it sucks that your mother doesn't want you around, but now we can do a lot of kissing.'

She answers me with another kiss and this time, I decide to be bold and move my hand under her shirt. She looks me in the eyes and gives me a reassuring smile before kissing me again.

'Aren't your parents downstairs?' She asks after a while. I shake my head and just capture her into a new kiss.

Of course, I have seen Meredith without a shirt before, but never in this context. I let my hands stroke the now bare skin and give her another kiss. She looks absolutely stunning with her bed hair. Her hands move towards the hem of my shirt and she starts to take it off. I close my eyes and hope I won't panic. I know she has seen all my scars before, but this is something else.

'Hey, Cristina, do you want me to stop?' Her concerned voice finally reaches me. I keep my eyes shut and nod. I know I have done this to myself. I know I could have had a smooth skin, just as Meredith has. I also know she doesn't care, but what if she does. What if she actually does care about my scars in a negative way?

I can feel her arms around me as she pulls me close to her, 'What's wrong Cristina? Why are you crying?' She sound actually concerned and normally this would calm me down but not today. I pull away from her and try to walk away as quickly as I can. I didn't get very far before Meredith catches my arm and pulls me into a hug. I try to get away from her again, but it only results in a tighter embrace.

'Talk to me Cristina, please. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong.'

'I am fine. I really am fine.' I keep telling myself.

'You are clearly not fine, Cris. Why don't we forget about this all and I don't know. Aren't your parents home?'

I wipe away my tears and concentrate on my breathing before I can answer her. 'They went to some dinner and will be home late. There is some food in the fridge. I am so sorry.' I turn around and look Meredith in the eyes before I rest my head on her chest and let her comfort me some more.

'You don't have to be sorry. We are doing this at a speed we are both okay with.' She begins to stroke my hair again and we stand like this for a very long time. When I hear my stomach rumble I let go of her and walk towards the kitchen.

'Meredith?' I ask her while waiting for the food to be ready. She looks up from the book she was reading.

'Are you alright?' I ask her softly. She raises an eyebrow and quietly asks me for explanation.

'You just had to spend weeks at the clinic again. Your mother shipped you off to stay with somebody else and I am being so not me. I let my walls down, but at the same time I held them up stronger than ever.'

'I am alright. My mother is always like this, she is a single mother and a doctor. She just doesn't know how to behave around me anymore. It sucks, but that is life. Everybody leaves me in the end. The clinic was lonely like always, but I had something to take my mind off of everything. I spent a lot of hours in the barn. Now that my weight wasn't critical I could do some activities and spending time with horses was great.'

I turn around again and give her a stern look. 'Meredith, you and I both know that that's not how you are feeling, having a mother like her does more to you. Spending time at the clinic is not a vacation. So cut the crap and tell me what's really going on.'

I put the food on two plates and hand her one of them, 'Hope this is okay for you?' I ask her while leading her to the couch. I am not allowed to eat here, but since my parents aren't home I don't care. It's more comfortable than the table and now we can spend the rest of the night in one position.

'It looks lovely. Your mother made this?' I nod as a response.

'My mother never cooks. She only does surgery. You know, she is a charming woman and she makes sure everybody likes her. Well, almost everybody. She doesn't care about me at all. You know, I can hardly remember my dad. The only thing I know is the cereal he would give me when my mother was busy saving lives.' It's pretty adorable how she always rambles when she is nervous.

'That sucks, Meredith. Well, at least, she didn't let you stay home alone. It was quite weird when she called us... you know, because she doesn't like me at all. Apparently, she tried lots of people and we were her last hope. She didn't want you to be alone because that would be too much of a change from the clinic. She cares about you.'

'Yeah, she has a weird way of showing it. She literally told me she didn't have time for my behaviour and that she had to stay away from work way too many times already.'

I take her plate and put it back in the kitchen. There is nothing I can say to lighten her mood, but at least she is not alone today.

When I sit down on the cough again, I can feel Meredith's eyes on me as I switch channels. As I settle on some documentary about surgery she moves closer to me. Meredith has always been a hugging type of person, maybe because her mother never hugged her. I, on the other hand, don't like it at all. Close contact always freaks me out. It often makes me think about my dad. He liked hugging and he was one I tolerated close contact with. Well, that was until Meredith came along. Today on the other hand, I just can't. After what happened not so long ago I have put my walls up higher than ever and I just can't have her so close to me.

Without thinking it through I stand up and sit down on one of the chairs. I stare at the television again and try to focus on the documentary.

'Cristina, what's wrong?' She asks after a while. I don't look at her nor do I answer her. 'Cristina?' She tries again. I look at her for a couple of seconds.

'Just leave me alone, Meredith.' I tell her softly.

'I can't, Cristina, not when there is something wrong with you. I know you, when you crop stuff up it will only get worse.'

'Well, I don't want to talk to you. Go deal with your own stuff. Go, I don't know… complain to your anorexic friends about the people that are making you fat.' When I look at her I can see that my words hit her hard, but maybe she will leave me alone now.

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Meredith's POV

I look at her with disbelief; did she just really say that? 'You are unbelievable Cristina.' I yell before storming to her room. Hours later, I hear Cristina coming into the room. Without saying a word I get up from her bed and take a blanket and pillow and lay them on the ground. My eyes still red from the hours of crying.

'Meredith... I... I am sorry. I shouldn't have said that.'

'Don't, Cristina. We both know you meant it. We… we won't work. We tried and I think we should just stop with whatever we were doing. You clearly don't want to be around me anymore. It's what you always do when somebody gets close to you. You build your walls so high nobody can ever reach you again. I know you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman and I am sorry for getting you into one. We were great friends and I have a feeling that we can't go back to that again... too much has happened between us. I don't know what changed but I can't let you hurt me like that. You know how I feel about gaining weight and then you tell me that I am becoming fat? I want to get better and you deserve to get better. I think, in order to get better, we should stop with this. I will call my mother tomorrow and I will find myself a place to stay. I think my mother was right, we are poison to each other's thoughts. I... I think I will do what my mother suggested a while back and change schools.' The tears are spilling again, but I know this is the right thing to do.


	10. Chapter 10

Hello everybody! Chapter 10 already, yay me! Thank you again for the lovely reviews, keep them coming!

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**After six years...**

Meredith's POV

Med school. After two months of traveling through Europe and partying like crazy, I made my decision. Yes, my mother doesn't agree, but it's my life. Whether she thinks I can be a doctor or not, doesn't matter anymore. I am here, at one of the Ivy League Colleges and in a couple of years, I will be a surgeon.

Why my mother doesn't think I can be a surgeon? Simple. She thinks the pressure will be too much for me. She thinks that I will relapse when I am under stress. She just doesn't get it. She never has and she never will. It isn't the stress, it's been her all along. She makes me think I will never be good enough and her doubting my ability to become a doctor definitely proves my point.

It isn't like I will never skip a meal again, she is right about that. What she just doesn't get is that I would also be skipping meals from time to time if I were a lawyer or worked at a shop. I mostly relapse when I feel alone, felt like nobody cared about me. I relapsed when I thought people didn't look at me because I am ugly. That's when I would relapse.

My roommate isn't here yet, so I choose one of the beds and start to unpack my stuff. It's not much but my plan is to start all over again.

'No, Mom, I can unpack by myself. I know how to decorate a room.' I look up when I hear that voice. It may have been six years but I can still recognize it anywhere. Six years later and I still hate how I left. Running, the only thing I know how to do. I dated all my way through my majors. Dating might be a big word, I had one night stands and sometimes I would sleep with the same person twice. None, however, could even get close to the feeling Cristina had given me.

'You don't unpack, you just throw everything on a chair or the floor or your bed.' I say when I hear my roommate enter the room.

Isn't it funny how we can get so close to a person in a years time? Isn't it funny how everything can change in just a second?

She must have been shocked to see someone already there, let alone answer her, because I don't hear her respond. Or maybe because it was me. My back is still facing her while I unpack my own things by my soon-to-be bed but I know that she knows that it's me. I can feel her gaze, boring holes on my back.

A minute or two has passed, but to me it was like an eternity, she turned to her mother, 'Mom, could you get the other box out of the car?' She finally manages to say. I remained fixated by the bed, unmoving, my back still turned to her, I no longer want to unpack. Only when I was sure that her mother had left the room, I turn around to face her and try to give her a smile.

'Hello, Cristina.' I tell her softly.

'I can get a new room.' She offered. I know I messed up by leaving her. By running back to Boston and changing schools, but this?

'Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I don't mind. How are you?'

She just looks at me with her emotionless face and starts to unpack. 'You don't get to do this, Meredith.' She finally says. She might be right, I screwed her up like this.

I knew she was having a hard time back then and I knew she was dealing with a lot of stuff. I pushed her too hard and she got scared. Any normal person would have stayed and worked their way back to the point they previously were in the relationship. But not me, nope. What I did was the stupidest idea in the history of forever. I called my mother the next day and told her she was right about Cristina. That Cristina was indeed poison for my brain. It wasn't fair, even back then I realised it wasn't okay to blame my own behaviour on Cristina.

Maybe we could have handled even that, we have had worse. But I made it even worse, she kept calling me and texting me and mailing me. And what did I do? Nothing. I ignored everything and changed schools. All because Cristina was scared.

She has changed, I can tell just by looking at her. The walls around her are thicker than ever before. She looks more emotionless than ever and at the same time she looks like she is going to break down any second.

Her mother comes back with some more boxes and the conversation, or whatever it was, stops immediately. She turn her attention back to her mother and I return to my unpacking.

When I am finally done with unpacking, I walk out of the room, I hear there was a party in one of the other houses and since I didn't have anything else to do, I could better get drunk and forget about this all.

For weeks we don't speak to each other. She basically lives in the library and I am constantly at parties. We don't see each other that much and in a way, I am glad about it. Every time she is in the bathroom longer than she normally is, I start to worry. But it's not my place anymore and as far as I can tell she doesn't have wounds on her arms like it had before.

I went on a date with a second year med student, she wasn't all that great, but at least I wasn't sleeping around anymore. I looked at my watch to confirm the time, I know I'll still be able to catch Cristina in the room if I hurry. It was still an hour or so before she leaves to go to the library. It's not like I was taking mental notes on her schedules or anything. I immediately went back to our room after the date. Just as I expected, she was still there, 'Cristina, we should talk...' I start and we both know what I meant with those words.

She looks up from the book she had been reading. 'You left and never looked back. Why would you want to talk now?'

'I hate how I treated you back then, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I got scared and I did what I always do, I ran.' I look at her, I try to pour everything that I'm feeling with my eyes. It has always been told that our eyes are the windows of our souls, right? That if you look deep within you can see the person's sincerity? If I can't tell her how sorry I am with my words maybe my blue orbs can speak to her soul.

'And how can I be sure you won't run this time?' She has a very good point there. So much for my eyes being windows. Frigging proverbs.

I try again. I have to tell her every thing I feel. I owe her that and so much more, 'You can't. I will probably hurt you again and I will run away a couple of times, but running away from you has been my biggest mistake.'

'You know, I would have forgiven you if you had called or mailed or whatever. I would have, because I knew I had been running from you for a long time, too and you always waited for me. But now, it's been six years, Meredith. Six years and I don't know if I can trust you. You hurt me and the stuff that happened after you left can't be forgotten.'

I have a bad feeling about her last sentence and I walk closer towards her. 'I know it's not my place to ask... but what happened?'

She sits up in her bed and pulls the blanket around her. She looks so vulnerable right now. Not sure about what I should do, I walk towards her bed and look at her for a couple of seconds. She doesn't move away or anything, so I sit down beside her.

'Cristina?' I ask softly.

'It got bad... really bad... I can't let you do that to me again. I won't survive.' She softly tells me.

'What did you do?' I softly ask.

She doesn't answer me in words, she just pulls up her sleeves and holds them before my eyes.

'Oh, Cristina, what did you do?' I ask her while taking one of her arms in my hand. With my thumb I go over the vertical line on her wrist.

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Cristina's POV

It doesn't feel right to let her in this much. She, in a way, did this to me. I know it's not fair to say that but it does feel like it.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Until that day I had told myself that she was coming back whenever she fixed her own problems:

_I called everyday for the first month, but as days and weeks gone by, I called less and less. She never picked up her phone. All my mails went unanswered. Now, it was the day I first saw her. Had you told me last year that she would only stay in my life for less than a year I would have laughed at you._

_Even on this day, no call from Meredith. I hadn't spoken to Callie or Addison in a long time. They tried but I didn't let them in. A year ago, a blond girl walked towards me and gave me hope, a year later, I let go of the stupid idea hope once was. There wasn't any hope left for me. People don't love me, they don't want to be around me. They run away from me when they finally see how truly broken I am._

_My father wasn't here anymore. Meredith wasn't here. I had friends who weren't trying as hard as they once were. The only thing I have left is my dream to become a cardio surgeon and to be honest, I don't know if I can be one. Who wanted me to operate on them? Nobody, so that dream wasn't realistic anymore._

_The therapist say that when people finally make a decision, you can see it. They are happier and it seems like a heavy load is taken off of their shoulders. Decisions mostly lead to new doors, and for me, it will only lead to one more door and I am okay with that._

_I never was a quitter, but everybody leaves. Two envelops on my desk and last couple of hours are all that is left for me in this world._

_I lock myself in the bathroom and take one of my knives. I had made my decision and... God, what good it felt. The letters, one, for my mother and one, for Meredith. The knife was on my arm. After that, it all became a blur. Somebody screaming. Somebody pressing down on my wrists. More voices and then nothing. Blackness takes over. Finally, peace._

_My parents were on their way, the nurse told me. Apparently, the Psych Ward was full for now and they had put me on the Surgical Wing. Weird right? Put the suicidal kid beside a kid who will be having surgery tomorrow and who is fighting for his or her life. _

A hand on my back wakes me up from the memory. 'I don't want to talk about it, Meredith. It's too late. I once loved you, I really did. Now, I just can't let you hurt me like that. The talking was good, I got my closure now and I hope you did, too.'

She removes her hands from me and asks, 'Can we at least be friends again?' She doesn't look at me, she only stares at her hands.

'Meredith, you broke me. I want to let you in again, but if you run away, I don't think I will be able to deal with it. For now, I would love to end the silence between us. I know it's not much, but it's all I can give for now.' I did not intend to hurt her. I just wanted to be honest.

When she finally looks up to meet my eyes, I can see what my words did to her. Tears are streaming down her face and the only thing I want to do is take her in my arms and kiss her. Why do I still have so much feelings for the person that destroyed me? I was doing better, I got a chance to start over again and forget about the past. All of that is gone now.

I give her a last look and get up from my bed. Staying in this room won't be smart. I have to get out and calm down before I do something stupid. Trying to figure out a pace that will get me out of here fast but on the other hand not fast enough to give Meredith a bad feeling. I walk out of the door and towards the entrance of the house.

It's a big house and lots of people live here, where else would the students live? The campus building I live in is pretty luxurious. We have our own bathroom and there is more than enough space for two people to live comfortably in it. On campus, there is lots of different housing but my parents had to choose the best one for me.

Downside from the large building would be that there is no place to really hide and freak out. Well, you could do that in one of the many public spaces, but I was starting over again and this time, I didn't want to be the crazy one.

I sink down on the ground beneath a beautiful oak tree. It's calm here and that's exactly what I need. The tears I have been holding inside for such a long time are starting to roll over my cheeks. First, quietly but the longer I sit here, the louder my sobbing gets. It feels nice to let everything out.

'Hey, are you alright?' A voice calls from not so far away.

I take a couple of deep breaths and look up. 'I am fine.' I just tell the person in front of me. I remember him from one of my classes, he definitely has a crush on me, why else would a stranger stare so long at another person?

'Yeah, I am so not believing that. Don't know why you are crying outside in the cold, but at least let me buy you a drink. There is a nice little pub down the street.' I look at him in surprise and give him a watery smile.

'That would be great...' I can't seem to recall his name. Why can't I remember his name? It's something like David, Dave... something like that. He must have picked up from my mental battle or he maybe he can just really read minds.

'You don't know my name, do you?' He asks laughing. Yep, he can read minds. God, this is so humiliating.

'Well... why don't we introduce ourselves properly?' I suggest while taking his hand so he can pull me up.

'Darren. First year med student, as you hopefully know. And you are Cristina Yang, the most promising student from our class.' Yeah right, Darren, close enough!

'Nice to meet you Darren!'

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please review and let me know what you think of this chapter. I also would like to have some ideas from you guys, so tell me what you think should happen!


	11. Chapter 11

Hello everybody. Here chapter 11. Thank you again for the reviews and the encouraging words!

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Meredith's POV

I stare at the food in front of me and start to play with it, moving it around my plate. For what seems like the hundredth time this evening, I look over to where Cristina and her boyfriend were sitting. We are good again, at least we are speaking to each other and we are hanging out from time to time. And with that said, it's not her I have a problem with, no, it's that Darren guy. He is just so perfect; he's athletic, kinda smart and he is good looking. In short, he is everything I'm not.

That's why he has Cristina and I am sitting alone at a table. Okay, I could have gone over to the 'cool' table, as they call it, but today, I feel like being miserable and there's some kind of rule that you can only be miserable alone.

This was not supposed to be like this, I was supposed to be sitting next to Cristina. I was supposed to be her lunch mate, not that Darren guy. Earlier, I asked Cristina during class if she was interested in going to the pub across the street for some lunch. She had given me an apologetic look and told me she couldn't. Since our talk a while back, it had gotten so much better between us, or so I thought. We would eat together and also studying was done together. Why I asked her specifically if she was eating with me, I can't really say. Probably because I was having a bad day, the class we were attending was about eating disorders and a couple of addictions, if that wasn't triggering, I don't know what is. No more words were said between the two of us after that and I spent lunch like I am spending dinner, staring at Cristina. She hasn't been in the room as much, like she normally did. She hasn't been at the library either, so something was definitely up. And I have a feeling it has something to do with this punk she's currently with.

After another ten minutes of playing with my food and staring at Cristina, I just gave up. I won't eat today. I probably won't be in a relationship with Cristina again, so why bother?

I threw away the food I still have on my plate and walk back towards my room. Today hadn't been my day. It started when I woke up and Darren was sleeping in the same bed as Cristina. Up until that point, I thought that he was just there to make Cristina less lonely or something like that. He had been around for quite some time, but I never thought he was her boyfriend. Seeing him in the same bed as her had ruined my day. This relationship was definitely more serious than I thought it was.

My day had even gotten worse when I saw the two of them being together at breakfast and all the classes and lunch. They probably were together during the afternoon classes as well, and for that reason, I never went back to class. I just went for a run and afterwards, I crawled back into my bed. Today was so not my day.

I don't even know why I bothered to go to the cafeteria for dinner, as soon as I walked in and got my food, I realized I wasn't going to eat any of it. He was perfect for Cristina; the only problem was that I wasn't like him. I am not saying I want to be a boy, but I am saying that I want to be smart, skinny, sporty and mentally stable. Maybe then, Cristina would love me again.

Tonight, I don't even feel like partying, to be honest, I haven't been to a party since Cristina and I talked for the first time. So I curl up in my bed, just as I had done before dinner and grab a book to read. It was hours later when I wake up from a nap as Cristina walks into the room, laughing about something Darren said.

The laughing dies down immediately when she sees me, I knew she thought I was disgusting and this only proves my point. I wrap the blanket even closer around me, although this would accentuate my fat body even more.

'Not at a party tonight, Meredith?' Cristina asks, followed by some laughing from Darren.

'That must be a first for her; I heard she went to rehab during her high school… something about pink hair, a pregnancy and drugs.' Cristina doesn't defend me; she doesn't tell him how wrong he is.

I don't know what was worse, finding out the rumors that were spread about me or the fact that Cristina didn't defend me. Hell, maybe it was her who spread those rumors. Silent tears are streaming down my chubby cheeks again and all I can do is hide my face under the blanket.

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Cristina's POV

I give Darren a look and point him towards the door. Sure, there were rumors about Meredith Grey but everybody knows it's because everyone was jealous of her… jealous of having Elise Grey as a mother, what a joke. I mean, I was jealous at first, too, but when I found out what kind of person that woman was, I am happy she isn't my mother.

When Darren has closed the door behind him, I lie down on my own bed and look at the ceiling. It stays silent in the room for a very long time. It's Meredith who makes the first sound, she probably doesn't know I am still in the room. The whimper that comes out of her mouth is heartbreaking, but it only gets worse. A good couple of minutes later she is sobbing uncontrollably.

Softly, I get up and walk towards her side of the room. It has been six years since the last time I had seen her like this and even back then, I couldn't handle it. I end up sitting on her bed and looking at her.

'Just breathe. Come here.' I say while stroking her hair. 'It's okay, Meredith.' I give her a reassuring smile when she looks up at me. I wrap an arm around her when she finally sits up and moves, so she can lean against me.

'I'm sorry for bothering you...' She whispers and sniffs like a five year old after she has calmed down some more.

'You're not bothering me, Meredith. You know they only spread those rumors to feel good about themselves. Don't let them get to you. Now, for some reason, you missed the afternoon classes. Can I ask why? You don't feel warm, so what's wrong? Second, do you want my notes, that way you won't get left behind?'

At first she doesn't respond, she just sits beside me. I keep stroking her hair and I feel her let out a sigh and then she spoke, 'I was already having a bad day and then the morning class, about... you know. And then lunch came and you weren't eating

with me and well, I kinda lost it...' It takes me a second to understand what she means, but as soon as I do, I tighten my hold on her, debating what to do next.

'Well, it's not that late, we will score you some food and we can talk about this later. Does that sound like a plan?' She doesn't give me an answer with words; instead, she gets up, removes the smudges of mascara off of her face and changes into something more comfortable to wear.

Together we walk towards a small restaurant, it's one of those places that seem to be open 24/7 and seem to exist because of all the students who eat there.

Looking at Meredith as she is trying to decide what she wants to eat, I try to make up a plan. She really needs to talk about all of this because who knows what will happen this time. 'Could we have a salad, a pizza quatro formaggi and two cokes please.' I order as the waitress comes over at our table. When I move my attention back towards Meredith, I can see that she is not happy with my choice of food.

'Are you still seeing a therapist, Mer?' I ask her when we are alone again. I know it's none of my business, but at least I will know what the situation is.

She looks me in the eyes for quite some time before she answers, 'I didn't think it was necessary anymore.'

I know where she is coming from, but does she honestly think that the eating disorder has gone away entirely? 'It's none of my business but maybe you should go and see someone again.' I tell her with the kindest voice I have.

When the food finally arrives, I grab a slice of pizza and study Meredith's expression closely. 'Take one, too, you have to eat something.' I encourage her while pushing the plate closer towards her.

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Meredith's POV

I look from Cristina towards the plate and I can feel the panic taking over my body. Without another word, I get up from the table and walk towards the restroom. I can't. I just can not handle everything tonight. Cristina literally went from ignoring me to sitting here and trying to help me in a couple of hours.

I lock one of the stalls and sit down on the floor. Not the most hygienic place to sit, but at this moment, I don't care. I try to calm myself down enough to go back as soon as possible, but it still takes a long time before I can even think clear again. When I finally can, I can hear Cristina's voice from the other side of the door. How could I ever have hurt her so much? She has always been there for me and I still walked away when she needed me.

After taking another deep breath, I get up and open the door. Immediately, Cristina wraps her arms around me and it feels nice. I wrap my arms around her as well, I can smell her sweet scent, her coconut shampoo. Suddenly, I feel intoxicated by her, just like every time she's near me.

'Sorry for pushing you, shall we go back to our room? I have the food with me in a doggy bag.' she says, caressing my back. I feel bad for making Cristina feel this way. She is absolutely perfect, it's me that isn't okay. She shouldn't be doing this for me, she should be with her boyfriend and I don't know. She breaks our hug but still keeps her hands around me and wipes away my tears. She brushes the strands of hair from my face and just looks me in the eyes.

'Thank you, Cris... for everything. It... it's okay to push me, you have to, I guess... but for now, I just don't feel like eating. It's already a big deal that I am telling you all this... I'm sorry to disappoint you.' I tell her as I look away from her eyes.

'When we get back to our room we'll watch a movie or anything you want to do. And then, you will eat something. I don't care what you eat but you are eating something. No room for argument. And Meredith, you are never a disappointment. Don't think like that about yourself.' She gives me the most beautiful smile, that rare smile she gives, the smile I fell in love with all these years ago.

I try to return the smile and take her hand in my shaking hand. I really need her strength right now and having skin to skin contact with her makes me feel calmer.

The rest of the night is spent with us snuggling on her bed with a laptop playing a movie in front of us. It's weird to see Cristina like this, relaxed and not busy with schoolwork. When the movie is over, I have made up my mind, being jealous won't get me anywhere. For now, and probably for the rest of my life, being friends with Cristina is the closest thing I will ever get.

'Tell me, is he at least good to you?' I ask her without turning to look at her.

'Who is good for me?' She asks absentmindedly, after a long period of silence.

'Your boyfriend, Darren.' I tell her, chuckling. For a smartypants med student, she can really be so dense sometimes. Well, I would rather say that she is socially awkward from time to time. She is definitely not dense.

'Oh, him. He is good to me, at least I think he is. I haven't told him about everything... you know, the cutting and all. But for now, I think he's a good catch.'

I turn to face her, 'I don't want to be a party popper, but how can you know is he is good for you when he doesn't know your past? He only knows the stable Cristina, not the dark and depressed Cristina. It's not my place to judge, but you might want to tell him... how can he not know anyway? You've held your shirt on the whole time?'

She doesn't look me in the eyes and starts to fiddle with the sleeve of her shirt.

'Oh. Well, that's okay, too. Just tell him, Cris, maybe taking your shirt off will be easier when he already knows.' I tell her when I realize what her silence means. She never went all the way with Darren and in a way I am quite surprised and happy.

I give her a warm smile and trace a couple of scars with my finger. 'They're just scars, Cristina, everybody has them.'

'You don't.' She whispers with a heartbreaking facial expression. She looks like somebody killed her puppy. No, not just killed, tortured her puppy.

'I don't have many scars physically, alright. I have scars internally. My brain who still doesn't want to eat normal. My teeth are pretty bad nowadays and you know what's the worst part? I am infertile. Don't say I don't have scars Cristina. Everybody has them.'

I can feel her arms around me. 'I am sorry Meredith, I didn't mean it like that. I am sorry to hear that it still hunts you.' She whispers in my ear. She calms me down again, Cristina always has that effect on me.

'Now why don't you go to that stupid boyfriend of yours. It's still early enough... for a college student at least. I'll be fine.' I tell her with a fake smile plastered on my face. I really don't like that Darren guy. He said some nasty things about me and I just hope he won't hurt Cristina.

She looks at her watch and shakes her head, 'I will see him tomorrow, for now he should think about everything that he said about you. You are an important part of my life and he should treat you with respect.'

I smile about what she said and give her a soft peck on her cheek. 'Thank you, Cris.'

'It's what friends do. I don't know about you, but I am tired. Goodnight, Meredith.' She lies down on her bed and I take the hint. Closing her laptop and putting it on the floor.

'Goodnight, Cris.' I turn off the lights and put on my pyjama before laying on my own bed.

Today was an exhausting day, so it's not surprising that I fall asleep soon after my head hit the pillow. What isn't surprising either is the nightmare what follows. I have had them before and everything what happened today is a huge trigger for a nightmare. This was the first time I have spoken about all the effects my eating disorder still has on me and it's only logical to get another nightmare.

This one is different though. In this one I see Cristina committing suicide over and over again. Only because of me. I hurt people. Cristina, Callie, Addison, my mother, my father, my future child. All of them left, all because of me. Because of my running, my behavior.

My shirt is soaking wet when I wake up, muffling a scream so I won't wake up anybody. My breath is fast and uneven, as my heartbeat. Tears are streaming down my face as I look over at Cristina on the other side of the room, checking if she is still there and breathing. Without thinking further, I get up and walk towards Cristina's bed. I have to make sure she is alive, I have to make sure everything is okay.

I sit on her bed and look at her chest rising up and down as she breathes, not realizing that the movement of the bed had woken her up. Not realising that this Edward Cullen behaviour is seriously creepy.

'Meredith, you look like hell. Come here.' The sleepy Cristina finally says as she lifts up her blanket, inviting me, so I can climb in beside her.

'Thank you, Cristina.' I sniff, as I bury my head in the crook of her neck. She wraps her arms around me protectively and rubs my back gently. Sleep evades me so she just continues to rub my back until I calm down and my breathing normalises. She kisses my forehead and hugs me tighter. I feel safe with her and I brushed my lips on her neck before I let the darkness take me to dreamland, knowing Cristina's enveloping me in her arms.

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Please leave a review and let me know what you want to read next or what I can improve. Love you all! Stay save.


	12. Chapter 12

New chap. Poor Darren has gotten death threats already. What do you think, should I rewrite chapter 1?

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Cristina's POV

I wake up from my slumber by a knock on my door, who would come by at this hour? I mean, it's only four in the morning and somebody is already knocking on my door. Who the hell is so cruel to do this? With a groan, I sit up and look over at Meredith; apparently she is a heavier sleeper than I always thought. Carefully, I crawl over her body so I can open the door and yell at the idiot who had woken me up at this hour.

When I open the door, I see Darren standing outside, with an annoyed face I ask him what he wants. 'I left my books here; I wanted to do a bit of studying for my retest… sorry for waking you this early.' He sheepishly said.

'Early? Seriously? It's four in the morning. Early is the understatement of the century.' I snap at him. Of course, he just ignores me and walks past me, inside the room.

'I must say, I really love the sight of you in shorts.' He says. I stop dead in my tracks and look down at what I'm wearing, Shorts and a tank top. Ooh, shit. I have Meredith's pyjama on. My scars are way too obvious now. I'm doomed.

'Why don't you let me see more of you… what do you say about that? My roommate isn't in my room, so we have the place for ourselves.' He is not just only bothering me at four in the morning, no, he is drunk AND bothering me at four in the morning. What have I done to deserve this? I mentally kick myself for opening the door.

'Just grab your stuff, so I can sleep.' I say annoyed and maybe a bit scared, he's looking at me like a lion ready for his meal.

He turned his head towards my bed and furrows his brows when he noticed Meredith sleeping in it under the covers, 'Cristina, why is that slut sleeping in your bed…too drunk to find her own bed?' Okay, I have been able to not yell at him. I was calm, but I can't be calm anymore. Meredith is far from a slut.

'Don't you dare say that again… don't you ever call her that. Get out!' I hiss at him while pushing him outside the room. 'If you are gonna talk about my friends like that, we are so over. You hear me? We are over.' I yell at him. People can talk trash about me, but nobody talks about Meredith like that. There are a lot of people who have learned that lesson the hard way and apparently Darren is now on that list.

'Wow, since when are you protective over that little bitch? Didn't you hear she also does girls when she is drunk enough? I would love to see that… what do you say? Shall we get her drunk tonight and film it?' He suggestively says with an evil smirk on his face and moves closer to me again. I can smell the alcohol on his body clearly. How can somebody be so sick? How can somebody say stuff like that. Think stuff like that.

Without thinking further, I give him a slap in the face. I really don't care whether or not my future surgical hands get damaged or not. This sick soul is threatening my friend. She has been to more than enough already, but even if she hadn't he shouldn't think about her like this.

'I giving you five seconds to get the hell away from here or I will call the police. Goodbye, Darren.' I yell, increasing the volume of my voice even more on the last part.

'But babe...' He starts another pathetic remark.

'Get out of my sight!' I yell again, probably waking up a couple of people. The door opens behind me and I knew, Meredith's been woken up.

Instinctively I go stand in the doorway, making sure he won't get to her. I turn to face Meredith and touch her left arm persuading her, 'Meredith, get back inside.' I whisper to her.

'Oh, honey, please let her enjoy your childish behavior. That girl definitely wants a threesome and you shouldn't want to keep me for yourself.' I give him a death glare while instructing Meredith to call the police. 'Chill, I am leaving.' He says before finally walking away.

'What was that all about, Cristina?' Meredith demands to know, I look at her with watery eyes and all I can do is grab the hem of her shirt, slowly and hide my face in the crook of her neck. She automatically wraps her arms around me. I let out a few sniffs; it's not that I'm sad that Darren and I broke up. I was so afraid for Meredith's well-being that I am crying now.

'Okay, Cris, why don't we just go back to bed? Maybe we can still sleep for a short while or we can talk about this... whatever you want.' I nod at her and she helps me back towards the bed and climbs in with me. When we got settled, she pulls me in towards her once more.

'What happened, Cristina? Why were the two of you yelling in the hallway? Why did you want me to call the police?' She starts with her interrogation but the only thing I can do for now is to wrap my arms around her and hold her close to me. She slowly brushes the ends of my hair with her fingers, waiting for me to open up to her.

'He was saying mean things about you. He said something about getting you drunk and filming you making out with a girl. That bastard was threatening you, Meredith, and I was afraid that he meant it.' I whisper after a long time.

'I'm glad you got rid of him, he clearly doesn't deserve such a lovely girl like you. And you don't need to worry about me, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. Besides, I am not stupid. I would never let somebody use me like that, I am not a whore.'

Weeks later and I am still as protective over Meredith as I was the night of the Darren incident. It isn't like he has tried to hurt her but that doesn't calm me down at all. I am restless at night and I

think Meredith has noticed, too. She often slips beside me in my bed, even when nothing is bothering her.

She makes me feel so much better, she always has. That's why I would hate to lose her, no, not hate, it would destroy me. It nearly destroyed me six years ago but knowing I didn't do everything in my power to protect her and keep her safe would be so much worse.

I already have my dad on the list of people I couldn't save; I don't want to add Meredith to it.

It has all been my fault. I should never have dated that guy, I should have protected Meredith. I don't deserve to be happy, I had to let go of that right when I didn't save my father. Sure, I know I probably should give my therapist a call right now, but my way of coping with this is much more effective. A scalpel in my hand and a locked bathroom door is all I need to feel better.

The lines that had faded away over the years are now red again, red from the blood that is pouring out of them. I bandage my arms and pull on my hoody again. The cuts are hidden and there is no evidence left for Meredith to find. It has been going on for a while now and I can proudly say that she has never found out.

'Thirty-nine minutes, Cristina… thirty-nine freaking minutes. Don't tell me you showered or God knows what your lame excuse will be. Thirty-nine minutes.' Okay, I take my previous thought back. She has found out.

'What? Last time I checked, the bathroom was still half mine. I can use it as long as I want. If you needed it asap you should have knocked.' I give her a reassuring smile and walk towards my bed.

'Thirty-nine minutes, Cristina.' She whispers this time.

'Yeah, you already said that. What's the big deal?' I joke, hoping she will back down again.

She walks towards me and sits down beside me, 'Why do you keep doing this to yourself?' she asks while carefully taking one of my arms in her hand.

'Please, just leave me alone for a minute.' I whimper when she proceeds to push my sleeve up. She does everything so carefully; she is definitely going to be an awesome surgeon.

'I need to see it so I can make up a plan.' Fighting her is not going to help me, I tried when we were younger, but she always finds a way to get to her goal. Her goal today is apparently seeing my new wounds and what else she has in mind with her plans.

'A plan?' I ask nervously.

'Yes, a plan. I have to decide whether or not to take you to the hospital or call your therapist or...' she knows I am still seeing a therapist? How does she know? 'Don't be so surprised, Cris, I heard you talk to your therapist a couple of times. You know, when you were freaking out because of something you would have picked up a knife for. Hospital is not necessarily needed, but I am going to call your therapist. After that, I will search this place for every sharp object.' she finishes with her lecture.

She takes a long time examining the wounds in silence. 'Why don't you lie down and watch some movie or something while I talk to your therapist.' she finally tells me when she is done redressing the wounds.

I look into her eyes, 'Sorry, sorry for bothering you again.'

'You are not a bother. You never were and you never will, you hear me? I just wish you would have talked to me instead of doing what you always do. According to the new scars this hasn't been the first time and that hurts me.'

For the next hour, I try to study and zone Meredith out. It's the only thing that keeps me calm, well besides Meredith hugging me that is.

'Hey, tomorrow you have an appointment with your therapist.' I look up from my book and nod. At least, there is somebody who tries to take care of me, even I don't do it. Thanks, is my short reply before going back on my textbook.

Meredith joins me on the bed and pulls me close to her and lets my head rest on her chest. It's weird to be this close to someone; you would almost say we are in a relationship... again. The only difference is that this time we are even closer. I can't remember the last time Meredith slept in her own bed. Her bed is now used as my wardrobe and well... it's a mess.

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Meredith's POV

Finally. The last tests are over and it's Christmas break. It isn't like I figured out what I am going to do during my break. The only thing I can say for sure is that I am not going home, but staying in campus, it's also quite depressing, I know.

'Cris, are you going home or what?' I ask when I hear my roommate enter the room because of her dyslexia she can take more time on some tests and today she has used it, normally she tries to finish on time and not use the extra time.

'Well, it isn't like I am going to celebrate Christmas but my mother wanted me home. Why'd you ask?' she asks while starting to pack some of her belongings.

I don't answer her question and just lay down on the bed. Great, my holiday will be even more depressing now that I am the only one who is staying in campus.

'Why're you not packing?' she asks after a while. I just give her a pointed look and she nods. Yeah, it's quite obvious, right?

'You know, you should come home with me.' She says bluntly.

I give her a huge smile and pull her on the bed with me. 'Sounds like a wonderful idea, Cristina! How did your last test go?'

'It went well. I'm going to call my mother now. To be honest, I already bought two tickets and our plane leaves tonight. You might want to get some stuff packed.'

Did I just hear that correctly? She already bought me a plane ticket... without knowing whether or not I was accepting her offer?nThis girl is amazing; I couldn't help but stare at her beautiful face. She noticed my creepiness and raises both her eyebrow in question as to what was I staring for, I shake my head and shrug my shoulders and then I leant towards her and give her a quick peck on her cheek and thank her before she stands up to call her mother.

Before I can realize what is happening, I am already sitting on a plane, with Cristina besides me.

'You are crazy, Cristina. I love you, but you are crazy.' I tell her when the plane is in the air. It's the truth. I love her… not in the way she thinks I meant, I love Cristina Yang so much more than just a friend. She is my rock, my reason, the one who believes in me… she's my everything.

She looks at me with a sad smile and it worries me. Cristina Yang doesn't do sad smiles, so I take her hand in mine and wait till she starts to speak.

'You know, Meredith. I really love you, too... and I think we both know that neither one of us means it in a friendly way. I... I just don't know if I can risk it again. I want to believe I will be okay whey you run again, but deep in my heart, I know I won't. I... I don't know what to do.' She quietly admits to me.

I raise my other hand to cup her face and I gently rubbed my thumbs on her cheek, 'You know, I could tell you I will never hurt you. That I will never run away when it gets difficult or it goes too fast for menor whatever excuse I will find to run away. The only two things I can honestly say is that I really, really love you and that playing safenwill hurt you even more. Isn't it better to have loved something and had to let go of it after a while than never loved at all?'

'We are both runners. How will we work? Aren't we already doomed from the start?' I can hear she is freaking out; this is getting to close to her walls and knowing her, she is trying her hardest to not let the walls come down.

I wrap my arm around her and hide a small smile. 'Cristina. I am done running for now. I did it for over six years and for now I am done running. I can believe in us, for the both of us, at least for now. Please give me another chance. We are older now and sure, we got more damaged in the past years but mentally we are both more stable. We have had our downs, but they are not so deep anymore. Now, can I take my friend or my girlfriend out to do whatever people do on a break

from med school?'

The last remark leaves a huge grin on her face. 'We could watch a surgery? I've bribed one of the professors in lending me a couple of tapes.'

'Somehow, I got the feeling people don't watch surgeries when they are on holiday, but sure! We are both weird, in our own way.' I tell her, I'm glad that she at least wants to try again. I lean in for a kiss, a real kiss, not a friendly kiss on her cheeks but a girlfriend kiss, on her sweet lips.

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Please leave a review and tell me what you thought of this chap. ( or just pm me to talk about stuff. I am happy eather way. )


	13. Chapter 13

I am back with a new chapter! Wanted to post this yesterday, but horses got in the way. Is anybody enjoying this story? I have some amazing readers, but don't know aboutMeredith's rest of you who view this. Anyway, if you have something in mind; pm me! Can be for this story or for another one!

Love be you all and stay safe!

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Cristina's POV

'Mer, I know you hate what I am going to ask of you now... last time we were at my house and we had an argument about it and all...' I start my question carefully.

'…but you want to keep us a secret to your mother.' She finishes my sentence. She looks at me knowingly; I look back at her, sometimes I find it weird how she can read me like that.

'Yeah... I'm sorry about that, but my family is Jewish and it's not that openly accepted and I just...' I start to apologise again.

'Don't worry,' she starts and brushes a strand of hair and tuck it behind my ear, 'I understand. Just tell her I have a boyfriend… most mothers will stay out of it.' She continued and she amazes me yet again and I can't help but lean in and give her a light peck on her lips.

The band with luggage on it finally starts moving and after another ten minutes, everything we packed is complete. 'Come on, let's go to my home and then get some sleep. I am exhausted, traveling always makes me tired.' I say after I lifted another one of Meredith's bags.

'You know, I can carry my own stuff, right?' She laughs before grabbing her bag back and giving me another kiss. 'Come, let's go, your parents are probably waiting in the entrance hall.'

'They can wait, you know. I want to spend time with you.'

'Yeah, Cristina, spending time in an airport is soooo romantic.' She laughs. Her laugh is adorable and I am thankful for the fact that she laughs more often.

'I never said I do romantic stuff. Don't expect that from me.' I warn her with a serious face. Was she really expecting me to be romantic? She just laughs some more and starts to walk towards the last security line, so I just follow her.

It's weird to be home again. Personally, I would have loved to spend the entire Holliday in our dorm room and study. Now, both aren't possible. My mother can't figure out about us and studying is anti-social according to her. So here I am, sitting on a chair and watching the telly together with my parents and Meredith. It kinda sucks that I can't pull Meredith on my lap and kiss her, but at least we are in a relationship now. It's still scary, but what in life isn't? Looking over at Meredith, I see that she is tired and I give her a small smile.

'Mother, is it alright if we go to bed? I didn't sleep that much because of the finals and I am really tired.' I tell my mother. Before she gives an answer, I already stand up and give them both a hug, that would keep them quiet.

'You need anything?' I ask Meredith when we are in my room. As an answer to my question, she shakes her head and moves closer towards me. 'I have everything I need right here. You are here and that's really all I need.'

I wrap my arms around her and give her a kiss. ' You are too sweet. Now, if you need anything just tell me. Even when it's three in the morning or whatever.'

'Stop worrying, Cristina. Let's just get in bed and sleep.' She stifles a yawn and changes in her pyjamas. 'Stop staring at me, Cristina. We will have plenty of time for that later.' She laughs and effectively wakes me up from my daydream.

I change quickly and get in bed beside her. Although we have more than enough space in my bed, I still move closer towards her and give her a kiss on her lips.

'Cris, just because I want us to work out... I need to know how fast you want to take this. Or slow. Whatever pace you want. I want you to be comfortable with me and most definitely not be ashamed. You probably never slept with anybody, am I right?' It's really sweet how she wants to make sure I am okay with everything, but really? At this hour? In my parent's house?

'I slept with a couple of guys when I was drunk. It was during college.' I tell her while burying my head in my pillow.

'So, I just have to get you drunk?' She joked before kissing my back. I turn around, so we can kiss properly.

'You have seen my scars before. I promise I won't freak out again.' I turn serious again and look her in the eyes.

'I have seen your scars before, that's right. But have you forgotten that that was also the case the last time we tried? Honestly, Cristina, I don't mind. I just want to make it a wonderful experience for you. I don't want you to be ashamed of your body. You are so beautiful and like I have said before, everybody has scars. Everybody.' She wipes away a few of my tears and gives me another kiss, 'Believe me, you are beautiful. Now, turn off the lights. We can talk about this later, right now, I just want to sleep.'

The next morning I am up early, thinking about our talk from the previous night. Meredith is laying on my chest with her head and it feels so natural.

I heard my parents get up and eventually leave. They probably thought I was still asleep. I continue watching her sleep. She is so cute when she sleeps. Her entire body relaxed. Her snoring is pretty loud, but that doesn't bother me. It's kind of funny how a girl as tender as Meredith can produce such a noise.

'What are you smiling about?' She asks sleepy. Her eyes are still closed and she adorably rubs her nose with the back of her hand.

'You're snoring.' I give her a kiss on the top of her head and try to pull her closer towards me, but she pushes me away and opens her eyes and looks at me with hurt buried in them.

'I don't snore. How can you say that?'

'Ooh, you do. It's really cute though. Don't worry; it doesn't keep me up at night. Nobody has ever told you, you snore? Wow.'

'Is it that bad? Maybe we should sleep in different beds again. I won't wake you up when we do.' She starts to panic.

'Even then, I would still hear you, but really Mer, it's fine. I don't mind.' I move over towards her and start to kiss her.

'Cristina, your parents are home. Don't think we can explain this to them without mentioning the words relationship, bisexual... you know.' I look at her and start to laugh.

'They already left, so we can do whatever we want and I have some ideas already.' I say with a mischievous smile and I lightly bite my lower lip to give her a clue.

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Meredith's POV

I start to laugh and switch our positions, so I am on top. Looking her in the eyes, I try to determine whether she is okay with this or not and apparently she is, because she pulls me down and starts to kiss me again.

'Stop worrying, Meredith.' She says between kisses and I do as she tells me. Slowly, I remove her shirt and start to kiss the scars on her arm. I want her to know that I love her, all of her. I continue slowly and kiss every scar I come across, the ones on her stomach and the ones on her tights. When I am done, I go back to facing her and kiss her lips passionately again.

'You still okay?' I whisper softly.

She pulls me back closer to her and whimpers, 'Stop teasing me and get going already.'

'You have never been very patient.' I smirk and give her another intense kiss.

I lay down beside Cristina again after a while and wrap an arm around her. 'Hmm, no freaking out and we didn't get busted by your mom. This must be my lucky day.' I laugh.

'It's only eleven in the morning, there's still enough time for me to do both. I mean, six years ago I was freaking out at like, step one.' I look at her and smile. She is right, she has come a long way since then.

I can feel her soft lips on me again, 'Round two can wait till after breakfast.' I stand up and put on some clothes before throwing some at a pouting Cristina.

'Do you think I should call my mother?' I ask while she is preparing breakfast.

'Let her call you first, she's your mother, it's her job to check in with you. Not yours.' She turns around and looks at me, 'Are you alright, Mer?'

I give her a smile and nod, 'Thank you for inviting me over. It means a lot to me.'

'My house is your house.' She simply tells me while handing me a plate with breakfast and a cup of coffee.

My eyes water up when she tells me that and before I know what's happening, I'm sitting at the table with Cristina's arms wrapped around me. Even my own mother hadn't made me feel like I was welcome somewhere and hearing somebody say it felt nice. It felt really, really nice.

'Thank you, Cristina.' I finally say. She pulls away from the embrace and sits down on the other side of the table.

I look at the plate in front of me and smile. She remembered what I normally eat for breakfast. It's more than six years now since I last went to the clinic, but eating stuff that isn't on my plan always makes me nervous and nervous me doesn't want to eat. It's not healthy to be so tight to the plan, I know that, but it's the only way for me to eat.

'At what time will your parents be home?' I ask her in between bites.

'They just left me a message that we should figure out something to eat for lunch, that's all they said. So somewhere between lunch and dinner. Want to watch a surgery?' I smile at her question. Cristina Yang is always focused on surgeries. She will definitely be an amazing surgeon.

'Sure, what type of surgery do you want to watch?' I ask her while making myself comfortable on the sofa.

'I don't know. I can't choose between a heart transplant, a coronary artery bypass graft, a heart valve repair...' She is probably going to list every heart surgery she has on tape and well... that will take a while.

'You would almost say you are a bisexual.' I joke to get her attention back.

'You did not just say that.' She says with a shocked facial expression, making me laugh even harder.

'Just pick one and hurry. If you don't make a decision in the next minute, I will pick a surgery to watch and it will probably be a simple appendectomy.' I threaten to make her hurry even more.

'You are evil, Meredith. You are the daughter of Satan.'

'Elise Grey comes close… so you might be right.' I laugh.

'Dark, Meredith. Dark...' She laughs while putting a DVD in the player.

I move closer towards her so I can lean my head on her shoulder. She has chosen a heart transplant; a surgery that takes hours and hours, one of the longest cardio surgeries there is.

I smile when I see Cristina try to do the movements the surgeon makes. This is how she learns and it's fascinating to see. It's weird that I am focusing more on Cristina than on the actual surgery, but then again, I don't have that much interest in cardio.

When exactly I fell asleep, I can't tell. Maybe somewhere between opening up the chest of the donor and opening the chest of the patient, that's all I can remember really. So when I wake up, I am lying on the sofa with my head on Cristina's lap. How I got into this position, I don't know, but Cristina always tells me how I can sleep through everything, so that must me the reason. I moved so I can see the surgery, I see that they are just now closing the patient up. I have slept for a good couple of hours. I sit up and look over to Cristina. She is still watching the surgery, but she isn't totally focused anymore, she looks over at me and gives me a soft kiss.

'You slept for quite some time.' She laughs while turning the television off.

'Yeah, sorry about that. Did you learn anything new?' Okay. Tricky question, now she won't stop talking for another half an hour and well... I honestly don't think I can stay awake long enough for that. 'So, they mostly listened and didn't focus on vision that much.' She finishes her story about how awesome the surgeon was. I stifled a yawn and give her a smile.

'That was wonderful, Cristina. Now can we please focus on anything else? We are on break.'

'Yeah, yeah, yeah. Breaks are overrated.' I smile at her statement and turn to face her so I can give her a kiss. However, I didn't think about the fact that her parents could walk in at any given moment. To make it worse, her parents weren't very friendly towards gay people, according to Cristina that is. So with my luck, it shouldn't be a surprise that her parents walked in right at the moment our faces were each from each other and I was about to kiss their daughter.

'What is this suppose to mean Cristina Yang?' Normally, I was one with the quick solutions, but I really hadn't imagined getting into this situation.

'Oh, um. Uhh… well, she… had something in her eye.' She pretended to get something near my eyes. 'Here see? I got it. No worries.' She ways while smiling nervously at her parents. She continued, 'I was just looking if it was something that could damage the iris. It isn't though, so, uhh… Meredith, would you blink a couple of times or go and, uhh… wash your eyes in a bowl of water.' Good. Quick thinking, Cristina… but wait, what? Wash my eyes in a bowl of water? Has she gone mad?

'Thanks, Cristina, it just didn't feel right. Glad it's nothing. Thanks again for checking.' I play along, before heading towards the kitchen to wash out the fake eyelash that is suppose to be in my eye.

'What did you think it was, mother?' The voices are soft, but still clear to hear.

I can't hear the reply she gives, but I try not to laugh about Cristina's reply, '… but of course not, mother, I am asexual. How many times do I have to tell you that?' It's a genius idea and it fits Cristina in a twisted way.

'How was your day, Ma'am?' I ask while walking back in the room. Changing the topic is my best option I realize. Sharing a look with Cristina, we both decide that it is best to stay away from her parents as much as possible. Maybe we won't get into much trouble if that's the case.

So, an hour later we are walking the streets of Los Angeles and it's surprisingly hot, considering it's almost Christmas.

'Nice save back there.' I say while moving closer towards her so I can wrap an arm around her. What I didn't expect was her jumping to the side, 'Cristina... what's wrong?' I ask after having turned her around so she would face me.

'What's wrong? Don't you know what's wrong? My mother is the biggest homophobic there is. Believe me, Meredith, this isn't over. By the end of the week, I won't have a family anymore. They will hate me. I would hate myself. I hate myself. I hate you.' At this point she is screaming and people are turning around to look at her.

'Cristina. Don't do this. Not again. There is no reason for anybody to hate you. You are going to save so many lives, who cares about your sexuality?' I softly tell her. 'Please don't hate yourself. If you hate yourself, you give people a reason to hate you. Love yourself, be proud of yourself. Let people be proud of you and let people love you. Let me love you. Please don't shut me out again.' I keep looking her in the eyes, and when she looks up and meets my eyes, I know she is trying her hardest not to cry.

'Even if everything with your parents goes wrong, you will still have a family. I promised you I wouldn't walk away from you ever again. Now I promise you, you will forever be my family. Whether we stay in a relationship or we won't. You will be my family. You are all I've got.' I open my arms and invite her in for a hug, she sniffs a few times but walks closer towards me. I don't care that my clothes are becoming wet with her tears, I am just glad that she lets me in.

'I love you, Cristina Yang.' I whisper into her ear.


	14. Chapter 14

hello everybody, sorry for the long wait. Finals are coming up and school is stressing me out. Next month is naNowrimo... So expect an update every 2/3 days! total of 50K I hope. Wouldn't that be awesome?

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**meredith's pov**

The two weeks went by way too fast. Sure, the hiding part isn't fun, but spending time with Cristina outside school is an amazing experience. She still wants to study a couple of hours a day, but for the rest of the day she is free for drinking and partying and going to the movies.

So now, we are sitting at the airport of Los Angeles again. Two amazing weeks of freedom, now almost behind us. I don't mind though, med school with Cristina is kind of cool, in a weird way.

It's early in the morning and after my fifth coffee, I gave up, I was not going to stay awake the entire time and everybody knows it.

'Mer, don't fall asleep now.' Cristina tells me after she has woken me up from my light sleep. 'You are annoying when somebody interrupts your sleep and since we are boarding soon...' She continues.

I just give her a small smile and a peck on her lips. She was trying and that was all I needed. 'Thanks, Cris.' I am not even offended by her statement. Everybody knows it's true. If you wake me up without reason, I am going to kill you. Maybe not really, but I will plan your death.

Of course, I am wide awake when we are in the plane. Apparently, the caffeine decided that now was the time to kick in. Not funny. So I lean against Cristina and try to fall asleep, not that it works but hey, I am trying.

For a while, I watch as she studies, but in the end, I decide that we could use this time to talk things through, 'Cristina, what are we going to do when we are back at campus?' I can feel her stiffen against me. 'Hey, whatever works for you; I just want to know what you want.' I tell her softly, trying to reassure her and make sure she doesn't freak out.

'Meredith, I know you don't like to hide who you are. I know that... I just don't think I can handle it. People talking about me is a good reason for me to freak out.' She says and I give her a smile and nod.

'Yeah, you like to freak out or be emotionless. No in between with you, Yang. I would really love for you to be proud of yourself. Proud of us... But, I know that it takes time for you to feel the same way.' I take her hand in mine and go over her scars with my thumb. 'I won't push you to do something I want, but I am hoping you are willing to work on it. Talk to people, talk to me.' I finish my talk.

I can feel her eyes on me, but she doesn't speak for a very long time.

'People can know, I think. I don't want to tell anybody, but I don't want to hide it. I don't want you to think I am not proud of you. Of us. Proud of myself. I can't be… I can never be. I can do better, and well... I am not doing everything I can to do better.'

I wrap an arm around her as good as I can and pull her closer. 'Why can't you be proud of yourself? You have come a long way. You hit rock bottom and you came back from that. You stopped with your destructive behaviour. You are in med school. You are in a relationship. You even don't want to hide the fact that you are.'

She rests her head on my shoulder and again there is silence.

'I didn't stop. I am too weak to ever fully stop and you deserve so much more than what I can give you.'

'Yeah, I'm stop with that Cristina. For once in your life, be proud of yourself. Nobody can really stop. There will still be bad days. I still have bad weeks, months even. You had a fall back a time ago. Last time I checked you didn't have new wounds.'

The rest of our flight is spent in silence, but not in an uncomfortable one, like before.

It's unbelievable, but when we get back on campus, I am tired again and all I want to do is crawl back in bed with Cristina.

'For an hour, Mer. I have to study.' I start to laugh about her reply. The new semester hasn't even started and Cristina is already studying. How can she do that? She must be from another planet or something.

'Cristina, come on. This is our last free weekend. Please, please, please, spend it with me and close your textbook.'

'…but I can't get behind on schoolwork.' She tries again.

I stand up and walk towards the desk she is sitting at. 'Cristina, you are top of our class. Nobody has started with schoolwork yet, so you won't get behind. You can close those books till Monday, okay?' I reach around her and take the book away.

'…but its Friday now! I can not not study for so long!' She turns around and tries to take the book again.

'Yes, you can... And you will. So get away from that desk and make yourself comfortable on the bed. With me.' I give her a stern look.

'I hate you, Meredith Grey.' She mutters, but she does get up and lies down on the bed.

'No, you don't. You love me.' I tell her with a smirk on my face. Normally, Cristina is the one who teases, but it's nice to reverse the roles every now and then.

She just rolls her eyes at me and smiles.

**Cristina's pov **

My peaceful sleep is interrupted when somebody moves close to me and wets my shirt. When I open my eyes, I discover a crying Meredith and it looks like she is really upset about something.

I wrap an arm around her and try to calm her down so I can ask her what's wrong, but everything I do only results in her crying louder to the point of hysteria.

It really scares me to see her like this. What could possibly have happened to make her feel so bad? The scenarios I picture in my head keep getting worse.

I pick her up and carry her towards the bathroom where I run a hot shower.

I close my eyes as I sit in the shower with Meredith in my arms. I really have to calm her down soon, but how is another question. I don't know what's wrong, so I probably can't really help her.

'Meredith, it is going to be alright. Can you hear my heartbeat? Why don't you concentrate on that?' I make sure my voice is reassuring and strong. At least one of us should be strong now.

'Cris... Cristina...' Is the first thing she gets out after sitting in the shower for quite some time.

'I am here, Meredith. I am here.' I whisper in her ear as I caress her hair. Her heartbeat slows down some more and finally her breathing is somewhat back to normal.

'What do you need, Meredith? Do you want to sit here a little bit longer or do you want to go back to bed or something else?' I ask her, unsure how to proceed.

I can feel her trying to get up, so I let go of her and stand up before picking Meredith up. Quickly, I turn off the shower and take off the wet clothes she is wearing. Finally, I wrap a towel around her slim body.

When I am done taking care of Meredith, I quickly strip out of my own clothes and hold a keen eye on Meredith. She seems calm now, but she is still crying.

'Mer, do you want to talk about it?' I ask before helping her towards bed.

'I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. I... I don't know.' She repeats over and over.

'Talk to me, Meredith. Explain what is wrong.' I grab her pyjama and help her into it. She still refuses to speak to me, but I know I can't make her speak. All I can do now is be there for her and make sure she is as comfortable as possible.

'Okay, We'll talk about this in the morning. Why don't you lay down and try to catch some sleep?' I tell her as gentle as can be expected from me.

I crawl to bed behind her and wrap my arms around her.

The rest of the night is spent with me worrying over Meredith. Of course, I can't fall back to sleep, but at least Meredith catches a good couple of hours. It's not that I am not tired, it's just that I want to make sure she isn't alone again.

Morning comes with a whole new Meredith and I don't mean that in a positive way. No, I would prefer a emotional Meredith over a distant Meredith. It starts as soon as she wakes up and turns around. When she sees that I am looking at her, she gets up without saying a word. She then gets some clothes and goes to change in the bathroom. Within ten minutes, she is walking out of the door.

I only see her again in class, but she is constantly typing on her cellphone and completely ignoring me.

'Meredith, please. What did I do?' I ask when we are laying in bed that evening. She has ignored me the entire day and only came back to our dorm room when it was already very late. What she has done the rest of the time, I can't say. She is sober, so she hasn't been to a party. At least that's something.

She tears up instantly and turns around, so I am looking at her back. 'Shhh, Meredith. Please, talk to me. What's wrong?'

'Nothing. Nothing is wrong, Cristina. Leave me alone!' She yells. It's something she does when she is pushing people away.

'Meredith. Clearly there is something wrong. Why else are you avoiding me? Why else are you yelling at me? Why else did I spent hours trying to calm you down?'

'Ooh, it's all about you, isn't it?!' She starts to get up, probably to leave.

'No. It's not about me, at least I hope it isn't. I don't know what I possibly could have done to make you so upset.' I grab her wrist and turn her around. ' Meredith. What's wrong?'

'Can you just leave me alone for a couple of hours?' She whispers with tears running over her cheeks.

'Lay down again and get some sleep.' I tell her before getting up and looking at the other bed in the room. I maybe should start using my closet again. Or not and just shove everything on the floor.

It's not a big surprise that I chose the later option and free the bed from all the stuff that's on it.

'What are you doing, Cristina?' I hear the soft voice of Meredith. Turning around to look at her, even though there isn't much light, I try to figure out how to answer without making her feel bad.

'You need space right now. I don't know what happened that made you so upset, but I know you need space. We share a room, so this is as much space as I can give you.' I lay down on the bed and wait for sleep to take over.

Around three o'clock in the morning, I wake up and see somebody standing in front of my bed. As fast as I can, I turn the bedside lamp on and hide a smile when I see it's Meredith.

Quickly, I move backwards and lift up the blanket to invite her in. 'Couldn't sleep?' I ask her when she moves closer towards me.

'I'm sorry for waking you. I-I...'

'It's okay.' I tell her before she can apologise some more. I really don't mind her waking me up, she is the only person who is allowed to and it doesn't happen very often. Another night without much sleep isn't really a problem.

'Sleep tight, Meredith. If there is something you need, whatever it is, please wake me up again. You can always wake me up, doesn't matter. I just want you to be happy.' I kiss the her temple and spooned her and surprisingly, I fall back to sleep fast.

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Please leave a review!


	15. Chapter 15

**So sorry for the long wait, finishing school was hard. Now I am in the states and well, I need more hours in a day. Next chapter is almost ready and it's intense, really intense. **

**I am also working on a Nikita fanfiction, so if anybody wants to read it, please leave a review or pm me.**

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**Cristina's POV**

The next weeks, I watch as Meredith is slowly going downhill again. I want to do something, but I really don't know what. She doesn't tell me what's wrong, she even tries to tell me everything is fine. That she is fine but everybody can see that she isn't. I know this behaviour and it's frightening me.

At first, she seemed to do better. Really better. She told me she had some shitty stuff that was said to her and that was it. She was herself, at least it seemed like she was herself.

But now, it's already the end of February, I'm sure she isn't alright at all. I am sitting on the bed, waiting for her to finally come out of the bathroom. I could call Callie for help, she is studying abroa

d and because of that she is almost done with med school. She will know more about the health part. Addison is even further in her training to become a surgeon, but we lost contact.

I could also take her to the hospital, that's the safest and fastest way.

The sound of the bathroom door opening makes me look up, straight into Meredith's eyes.

'Meredith, come here.' I tell her softly. She do as I tell her and sits down beside me. The fact that she avoids my eyes makes me wonder if she knows what this is all about.

'This can't go on any longer, Meredith. Why don't you tell me what's wrong?'

'This can go on much longer because there is nothing wrong.' She finally says.

'Meredith, I have been patient with you. I have given you your space. I tried to talk to you. I did everything I can to make sure you are okay. I can't do this any longer. You are not fine, so tomorrow morning we'll call a therapist. I found one already. I will weight you, too and if you are not doing better by the end of next week I will take you to the hospital.' I tell her while looking at her.

'Cristina, I am fine! What part of 'I am fine' don't you understand? There is no need for me to call a therapist. Or for you to take me to the hospital. I am fine.' She tries to convince me.

'It's okay to not be fine, Meredith. I won't judge you, but you should accept the help I offer you. Now, do you want me to weight you now or tomorrow morning?'

'If you weighting me is the only way to get you off my back then go ahead!' She raises her voice and looks me straight in the eyes. She is getting upset.

I stand up and walk towards the bathroom, waiting for Meredith to follow me and she does.

I take the scale from underneath the sink and watch her step on the scale, looking at the number that comes up.

'See, Cristina, I am still fat as always!' She says laughing.

But the scale says something else… a hundred and nine pounds. She should be at least a hundred and twenty. It could have been worse, but knowing her and her disease it will become worse when I don't stop this now.

'Meredith. Stop this. It's not funny. It's not funny to see somebody I love think she is fat, even though she has lost an extreme amount of weight.' I wrap my arms around her and try not to cry. 'Why? I know something has been bothering you for the past weeks. Could you please tell me what it is?' I ask while moving her back towards the bedroom.

'Promise me you won't leave me...' She starts to say and I can honestly say it scares me. What could possibly be so bad for her to think that I would leave her?

'I can't promise you that, not without knowing what's going on. For now, all I can say is that I love you and that there aren't many things you could say now that would change it.' I tell her truthfully.

'Hypothetically speaking, if my mother had a disease and I could get the same disease when I am older...' She starts hesitantly.

'Oh, Meredith, I would never leave you over a disease. What is your mother's diagnosis?' I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly.

'Early-onset Alzheimer's... you don't want me when I get that.' She starts to sob.

'I want you Meredith. Whether you are smelly and forgetful or a brilliant surgeon and everything in between. Don't ever doubt that.' I give her a soft peck on her lips and give her a reassuring smile.' but it doesn't mean I am going to watch you destroy yourself. I know relapse does happen, but I also know you should treat them just like you would treat it the first time. So, tomorrow you are going to call a therapist and we will work this out. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know it has been comfortable for you to go back to your old routine. It made you feel safe, but Meredith... this is not the way to solve your problems. So please, let somebody help you. I am not one to beg, but I am now.' I tell her while still holding her close to me.

'Can we just go to sleep now? I am tired and you look exhausted, too.' She is avoiding her problems, again.

Deciding that this talk can wait until tomorrow, I nod and stand up so I can change into my nightwear, a simple shirt and jogging pants is all I need to have a comfortable night rest.

'Goodnight, Mer.' I say while wrapping my arms around her and giving her a quick kiss on her head.

**Meredith's POV**

I mutter a quiet goodnight and try to fall asleep. Sleep is good, sleep is needed to burn calories, but of course I can't fall asleep. What if she really is serious? She probably is, it's Cristina I am talking about. She is always serious.

I look at my sleeping girlfriend and sigh, wishing that I could sleep as well. But instead of sleeping I spend my night planning on how to avoid eating. Cristina already has a reason to leave me and maybe if I look good and thin enough, she will stay with me. She can promise me all she wants, but nobody would stay with somebody who doesn't even know who they are.

I keep tossing and thinking. I could go to a therapist and just make something up. I could pretend to eat and hide the food. There are endless possibilities and maybe I should be more careful. Way more careful.

'Meredith, what is it? You need to sleep.' Comes the sleepy voice of Cristina. I have probably woken her with my tossing and turning.

'I'm sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep, Cris. Shall I take the other bed?' Sleeping in a one-person bed isn't that comfortable and tonight only proves how awful it can be.

'No, stay here.' She groans before tightening her grip on me. God, she can be strong if she wants to. I give in and relax under her touch. 'Try to sleep Meredith, you need your sleep, sweetheart.'

I start to laugh when she uses a stupid nickname, she really must be desperate to keep me calm. 'Since when do you use nicknames like sweetheart? What's next?' I turn around so I can look at her. 'I'm fine, Cristina. I really am fine, I just can't sleep right now.' I bury my head in the crook of her neck and inhale the smell of her coconut body lotion.

'You know, Mer, most of the time, a person isn't fine when they can't sleep.' She strokes my hair and I know this isn't the end of our conversation.

'But I am fine. It's just that I worry about my mother. I mean, I was going to make her proud and I always had this fantasy of her watching my first solo surgery and being actually proud of me. Now she won't even know who I am, let alone be proud of me or watch my first solo surgery.' It's not the entire truth, but it has been on my mind and it has been bothering me.

'Oh, Meredith. I am proud of you, there are a lot of people who are proud of you. You won't need your mother's approval, but if it means anything to you... She does love you and she is proud of you, she just has a weird way of showing it.'

'Yeah, like who? Nobody cares. I could just end it all and nobody would care! They would probably be better off without me. You would be better off without me.' I cry, realising that my life has absolutely no meaning. I can feel Cristina's muscles tighten and I know her heart just skipped a beat. I knew she was not telling me something and now I know what it was. She doesn't love me, but on the other hand, why would anybody love me?

'Meredith... don't you ever say something like that ever again. A lot of people would be devastated if you would die. I really don't know if I would be capable to live without you. I don't think you realise how much you mean to me. How your presence made my life so much more beautiful.' I can tell she is crying at this point. Why do I have to be such an awful person and make her cry? I only hurt people around me.

'You don't understand, Cristina.' I whisper. She doesn't, she can't. How could somebody as perfect as her know how I am feeling?

'But I do, Meredith. I do understand how you are feeling. I have been there. You know, you were the one who gave me hope. You really did, you still do. I was a scared little girl who build up walls to make sure nobody could ever reach her. I still do, but I know I don't have to do it in your presence. You accept me the way I am, broken and scared. I showed you the scars, haven't I?'

She pauses and waits for an answer, probably checking if I am listening.

I nod and take one of her arms in my hand and subconsciously I start to move over the vertical line. Maybe I shouldn't have said that she doesn't understand how I am feeling, but on the other hand, how can somebody as perfect as Cristina feel so lost?

'But I never told you the story. It wasn't because you left, well okay, it was also because you left. It was because everybody I really loved died or moved away, like you did. I don't blame you for running away, I probably would have done the same if I were you, but for me, it felt like nobody cared. Like you said earlier, people would be better off without me. That was what I was thinking the entire time. You know why I cut myself. That was honestly the reason why I hadn't already killed myself. I felt like I needed to be punished and hurting myself wasn't good enough. Being alive while the only person I trusted was dead, that was even worse... but I wasn't planning on living much longer when I first met you. I was planning on killing myself and burn in hell or something. If we hadn't met back then, I think I would have succeeded. People wouldn't have kept such a close eye on me and I wouldn't have a reason to not try again until I would succeed. So never ever tell me I don't understand how you feel. I might not know how it is to have a mother with Alzheimer's or how it feels like to starve yourself, but I know more than you think.'

She amazes me, during the entire time she hasn't cried. Not one single tear has left her eyes, but the tears she fails to spill I make up for on my own. Tears keep rolling over my eyes as I imagine what my life would look like without Cristina. Without the one factor in my life I could count on.

'Come on, Mer, we can still sleep for a couple of hours.'

I shake my head and look up from my safe hiding position. 'I don't think I can sleep tonight...' I whisper softly.

She sits up and turns to look at me. 'That's okay too, you know. Why don't we go outside for a little while?'

I try to smile through my tears and nod, it sounds like a nice plan. 'If you don't mind. I mean, I am just keeping you awake...'

'You can keep me awake for as long as you need, Meredith. Really, it's not a problem.' She stands up and hands me my jacket and some shoes. 'Here, make sure you are warm.'

I absolutely hate myself for saying what I just said. She doesn't want to show how much I hurt her with saying I didn't want to live. She never shows anything, she hides it away. For the outside world, she acts like she is a robot, never showing any emotion. With me, she just smiles everything away. Quite honestly, I don't know what's worse; the smiling or the not showing anything. The worst part is, I didn't mean it. I just want to be good enough. Good enough for everybody. Yes, sometimes I want it all to end. Sometimes I want to shut that voice inside my head up and just eat or be happy about myself, but the voice is always stronger. Another thing I hate about myself, the fact that I am never strong. Cristina always is. She is the one who is strong and beautiful and brilliant. I am just me. A girl who has nothing.

'Mer, are you coming?' I look up into her eyes and nod. Wiping my last tears away before I stand up.

The night is absolutely beautiful. The stars are shining bright and the air is cold but doable. We don't walk for long, instead we sit down on one of the benches. I lay my head on her shoulder and watch the sky.

**Cristina's POV**

I can't help worrying about her. She is my everything, even if I don't want to admit it.

'Mer?' I ask softly while looking at the rising sun. 'You do know I love you, right?' I continue to ask.

'Yes, silly, I know. I love you, too.' It's the first time we said it out loud and it doesn't feel wrong, the opposite really. It feels amazing.

I can't stop the smile that is forming on my lips as I move so I can kiss her. I am so lucky to have her. We are both broken, but in a way we always heal each other. She might be down again, but I know I will try to do everything in my power to get her out of it.

'Come, let's go get ready for the day.' I pull her up and together we walk towards our dorm room. We still have plenty of time before the lecture starts, but I want to make sure she eats something.

So half an hour later, we are sitting in the cafeteria and I am watching her closely. I know it will probably only make her nervous, but for my own serenity I have to know if she is actually eating and to my own surprise, she actually is. It's low calorie stuff, but she is eating.

I hide a smile and keep talking to her, I myself don't even know what I am talking about anymore. I think I started with something like surgery, what else would I be talking about? And we continued to talk about our classmates and finally the summer Holliday. Since when am I looking forwards to not learn something about surgery or even medicine in general?

I look at my clock and groan. Yeah, almost late for class. We were up all night and still we have to hurry? Something is seriously wrong with us, but I don't want to hurry up Meredith's eating process. She is eating, not fast or much, but she is eating.

After another five minutes, I clear my throat to get her attention. 'We should be going...' I mutter as I stand up. Moving to put away my plate and then probably run to class.

'What do we have first?' She asks while following my movements.

'First, we have anatomy. Believe me, we have an exam for that subject pretty soon... Did you already start learning or am I the only one, again?' It's true, I learn a lot more than the other students. Stupid dyslexia. Okay, I have better grades than any of our year, but I should start learning more. Worrying about Meredith has taken a lot of my time the past weeks.

'Haven't had time for it yet. Maybe we can learn together after class?' She asks hopefully. I smile and nod. That sounds like a good idea, she is good. She could study more, but she is good. Never failed a single test. Not even when life got hard on her.

'But first we have to actually attend class.' I tell her with a serious facial expression. We are already late, I want to make sure we at least get to class.

'You never missed a single class. Not that I can remember really.' She laughs and follows me in my sprint to class.

'I actually did. After you left.' I softly say, unsure whether or not she has heard me. Probably not, but still. I have said another thing about that period. It feels good to talk about it.

We slow down meters before the door and knock before entering. I give the professor an apologetic smile and rush to the first seat I see, Meredith only a couple of steps behind me.


	16. Chapter 16

_Again a new chapter, the lack of reviews are worrying me... What's wrong with the story? I mean, I want to improve and I can't if there aren't any reviews..._

_another note, please remember the subjects in this story. If they are triggering you, stop reading. If you want to talk about snything, pm me. _

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**Meredith's POV**

So far, I am proud of myself. Anna is proud of me, so at least somebody is proud of me, right? Sure, from time to time I want this all to end. I want to eat again, to stop running of every single calorie. But it will make me fat. I need to be thin. If not, Cristina is going to leave me.

I don't think Cristina knows, my hiding techniques have never been better. There is no way she could have found out. Sure, she still keeps a close eye on me when we eat, but there are so many ways around eating. The weighting is also easy to mess with. Just make yourself heavy. It's as simple as that.

It's now April, two months after she found out and got me to call a therapist. It's easy to play with a therapist. You have the control about what you want to talk about. We talk about my mother. We talk about Cristina, but in the end we don't really talk. We make small talk.

I haven't eaten in close to a week, but before that it wasn't much more. So yeah, I am proud of myself. I don't care that I am laying on a bathroom floor, to weak to move. I don't care that I am getting behind in class. I don't care that I am distant. All I care about is being beautiful and thin.

'Meredith, for the last time, open the door!' Somebody shouts from far away. I wish I could open the door, but I am on my way to become beautiful. I will be beautiful, I only need to do this a little bit longer. Just a few more pounds to lose.

* * *

**Cristina's POV**

I am starting to freak out. For the past ten minutes, I have been trying to get her to open the door. Something is wrong. Something is really wrong with her. I hate myself for not noticing before. I should have known. I am her girlfriend. It's my duty to know. It's my responsibility to know. I am the worst girlfriend anybody could have.

'Meredith. Please.' No answer, what was I expecting? I try the door, but it's locked. I have no other way, I have to knock the door down. Me, a pretty tiny girl. Not so tiny as Meredith though.

'Mer, make sure you are away from the door.' I yell before I run towards the door and try to bulldoze the door. Thankfully, I was successful after a few attempts. My shoulder hurts because of the impact but I don't care about that now. It must be the adrenalin. And of course, my worry for Meredith's welfare.

I instantly see her. No, no, no. This is not good. I may still be in my first year of med school, but I can tell you that this isn't good.

I kneel down beside her and search for a pulse, there is one. Weak, but there is one. The next thing I check for is if she is conscious and to my surprise she is.

I grab by phone and dial 911. She needs help and fast. I can't help her anymore, doctors need to take over for me now. I did a lousy job. I should have know she wasn't doing well.

'Hello, I-I, uh, I need an ambulance. My, um, my friend has a history of anorexia and, uh, i-it looks like her weight is dangerously low. I found her lying in the bathroom and she has a-a weak pulse.' I stutter, relaying the incident to the emergency line. I know I am on the verge of tears but I try to keep them at bay. It won't help Meredith if I start to cry like a baby. I give them our address and hope they arrive soon.

I put the phone down and leaned over to Meredith and held her pale face on my hand and hold her hand with the other, 'I'm sorry, Meredith. I know you never wanted to go back to the hospital because of this.' I softly tell her. 'I will get you through this again. I don't care what it takes. You are the most important person in my life. I just want you to be better. You will be better. You need to be.'

The waiting for the ambulance to arrive seemed so long but in reality, it wasn't longer than ten minutes. All this time, I have been sitting on the ground beside Meredith. Stroking her hair and making sure there is still a heartbeat. I need to be sure her heart is still beating.

Finally they arrive, I give Meredith's hand a final squeeze before standing up to make room for the gurney.

They let me ride with her in the ambulance, something they normally only allow family members to do. So, here I am, waiting for an update about the conditions of my girlfriend. Right now, I don't care that the end of the school year is getting near. I don't care that I am suppose to study for my exams. I just want Meredith to be okay.

'Family of Meredith Grey?' A young doctor asks the waiting room. I stand up and walk towards him.

'Cristina Yang. How is she?' I ask him.

'We are not allowed to tell non-family members.' He tells me.

'Her mother has Alzheimer's, she hasn't seen her father since she was five. I am all that she has, besides that, I am her emergency contact person. You are obligated to give me updates. Hell, I am even allowed to make decisions for her. So, how is my girlfriend doing?'

He seems taken aback but gives me the information I need, 'You can see her now. We will discuss her situation when she is awake. The only warning I will give you now is that she has a feeding tube. She will probably try to take it out, so for her own safety we tied her hand down.'

I nod and follow the doctor towards her room. She is still asleep, so I sit down on one of the chairs near her bed.

'Oh, Mer, what have you done to yourself?' I whisper when I see her. I  
Can tell she has been wearing layers. Now on the other hand, she is only wearing a hospital gown and I can see how really thin she is. I should have known. I should have spent more time with her.

I stand up to read her chart. I need to know now, I really need to know. I open it and scan for information I need. The standard stuff I ignore, I already know she is infertile and all. Her weight scares me, it's way too low. How can she still be walking around? I scan her chart for more information. Her heartbeat is low, just like her blood pressure. Above all that, her ECG isn't good, it shows signs of a cardiac arrhythmia. Her heart is starting to get affected by her underweight. With what I understand of this she could need an operation. She could need an ICD.

I sit down again and take her hand in mine, softly stroking it with my thumb. I should have known. I look at her face. The feeding tube in her nose, the dried up tears on her cheeks. And finally towards her eyes. She is awake.

'Hey, Mer.' I start to tell her, but her cold voice stops me.

'You promised, Cristina.' I look at her and lean in to run my hand through her hair.

'What did I promise, Meredith?' I softly ask.

'You told me I wouldn't have to go to the hospital for this ever again.' I give her a watery smile and shake my head.

'It's bad Meredith. It's really bad. You were lying on the bathroom floor, not able to move. I had no other choice.' I lean over her so I can give her a soft peck on her forehead. 'I had no other choice. You need help... help I can no longer give to you.'

'Do you no longer love me?' She asks, tears streaming down her face.

'I love you. I will always love you. I just need you to be alive and healthy.' I move so I am sitting on her bed. 'Why don't we wait for your doctor to explain what is going on and what they are going to do.'

'You already know, don't you?' She asks with a small voice. 'I'm scared Cristina. I'm scared. What if she never stops?'

'I know, yes. I read your chart and this can't go on any longer, Mer. It's bad. Why did you do this? Can you please tell me? I need to know. I can't help you if I don't know what triggered it.' I tell her. Softly I wiped away her tears and watch this beautiful person in front of me. She looks so broken. It scares me that she is afraid that she, probably somebody in her head, won't stop. This is going to be such a long road again. I want to help her, but at the same time I know there is only so much I can do.

She doesn't look at me when she speaks, 'I wanted to be beautiful because I am afraid you will leave me otherwise. I already have Alzheimer's. I am infertile.' And your heart is beginning to fail I add in my head.

'Oh, come on, Mer. You know I won't leave you. I don't care what illness your MOTHER has, you are still my Meredith. So, don't starve yourself because of me. Please don't do that. I need you alive. You make me brave. I need my person to be alive.' I look up when a doctor walks into her room and greet him before moving to sit besides her bed again.

'Hello, Meredith. My name is Doctor Arts, I will be your doctor during your stay here. For now, I will discuss the test results we already have. Later on I want a psych consult. I understand this is not the first time you have been hospitalised with these symptoms. When everything is done, I will come back and we will discuss a plan to get you better.'

I look at Meredith and take her hand. This is not going to be a light conversation.

'First of all Meredith, your weight is low. Very low. You may have noticed the feeding tube in your nose and the fact that your arms are bound to the bed. Nobody likes doing that to you, but it is necessary.' I feel Meredith tighten the grip on my hand and moves so she can look at me.

'For now, our main concern is your weight and your heart.' He starts to tell her, but she is freaking out again. I move closer to her and sit on her bed again, I held her cheeks in my hands so she is looking at me.

'Easy, Meredith. Deep breaths. Talk to me, what's the scary part?' She isn't one for talking, but I have a feeling this is important now. I don't care whether or not I am wasting the doctor's time.

'She wants me to lose more weight and trick you guys in believing I am fine, I don't want to do that. I want to become better. I already have complications after the first time, I don't want my heart to fail.' She cries.

'It's good that you want to become better. Your ECG showed us that you have something that's called a cardiac arrhythmia. In your case, this means your heart is beating too slow and irregular.' He stops again to make sure Mer hears what he is saying. 'We will treat it with medication, however, if it would get worse you will need surgery.'

'How do we proceed?' I ask from my spot on the bed. I can't believe we are having this conversation... Again.

'We are not sure yet. First, I want her to talk to a psychologist and then I will talk to you. Then, we will sit with Meredith and we will try to find an arrangement we all can agree on.'

I nod and watch as the doctor walks away.

I give Meredith a soft kiss and start to distract her. I talk about some small things. Things like the weather or school related stuff.

'Hello, you two. My name is Doctor Morgan. I am here for a psych consult.' A young woman interrupts us. I stand up and give her a handshake.

'Okay, Meredith. I will be outside waiting. Is there anything you need?' I ask her while I am still standing.

She looks from me to her therapist and back. She isn't liking this situation.

'Hey, Mer, it will be alright. They are here to help you, okay? I'll just be outside. Call me anytime you need me.' I give her a last smile and then walk outside.

Maybe I should call the university. I don't want to leave her alone and she can't go to class for a very long time. At least, that's the feeling I have.

After a long conversation with the headmaster, we decide that I should call all our professors myself and if they would cause trouble she would try for us. It has been a lovely conversation, but it probably has something to do with the fact that both me and Mer are top of our class.

So I start to make phone call after phone call and in the end a few professors want to discuss this in private. Great, even more work for me and more stress for Meredith.

I look up when the therapist comes out of the room and asks me to come in.

When I walk in, I see why the therapist wants me to come in. She is finally freaking out. Quickly, I walk towards her and sit on her bed.

'Hey, Mer, what's wrong?' I ask while taking her hand in mine. It's very cold, but that's not a surprise for me.

'I-I can't do this. I am bothering everybody and I... She won't let me get better.' It makes no sense at all, but she rarely does.

'Hey, hey... Shh. You are not bothering anybody. I want to be here. There are even some professors who want to come and see you. It's all going to be okay. You can do this, I believe in you.' Her crying is slowing down and I can see she is exhausted.

'Do you want me to call somebody?' I ask, hoping she won't put herself in isolation.

She shakes her head and tighten her grip on my hand, 'No. You're all I need.' I sigh and eventually nod.

'Okay, then.' I look at the therapist and ask her how long this session is going to take.

'I think I have everything I need for now, thank you miss..?'

'Yang. Cristina Yang.' I fill in her blank space.

'Okay, Meredith. Why don't you go and get some sleep? You look tired. I will talk to your doctors and then I will be back. How does that sound?'

After I made sure she is as comfortable as she can be, I follow the therapist out of the room and see her doctor already waiting for us.

* * *

**Meredith's POV**

For the first week Cristina never left my side. She missed classes for me. She didn't study. After that, they sent me to a clinic, again. It wasn't without my consent, but in a way it wasn't my own decision.

Cristina wasn't allowed to visit me anymore. Only once a week she would come and we would talk. It feels like prison to me.

Today was one of those days. I am sitting in the recreation room waiting for her. It has been five weeks now. College is almost over and I really don't know what is going to happen with me. I don't want to redo the year, but I think it's my only option. During my free time, I have been doing my schoolwork and assignments, but I need to take the final test in order to pass the year.

'What are you thinking about?' I look up in her brown eyes and she leans down and kisses me on the cheek. I force a smile on my face to hide the sadness I feel that is pretty much evident in my eyes. I hadn't seen her enter the room.

'School. How I am not going to pass the year.' I say somber. It's not something I do, fail.

'About that, they are thinking about letting you go for the day and make the year. Have you been studying? Do you need help with anything? I can ask some of the professors to help you.' I smile again, a real smile now. I know I don't have to say anything, my smile is enough for her.

'How much longer do I have to stay here?' I ask. They probably mentioned it to me, but I know Cristina knows it, too.

'I already told you, there is no real date set. It will be as long as you need. You are improving, but not that much. They tell me you barely speak to others. You are doing better physically, but not mentally. I know it's hard, Mer. I know. But you are not ready to come home yet. The chances of you slipping back to your old behaviour are still to high.'

I know she has to be honest to me, but at the same time I wish she wouldn't. I don't reply, I just stand up and move closer towards her. I need her to comfort me, so I put my hands on her hips and rest my head on her shoulder and close my eyes.

'I want to go home, Cristina . I hate it here.' I tell her softly. Her only reply is a soft snort and a look I don't really know the meaning of. 'There are so many people in here who don't want to get better. My roommate keeps telling me how she wants to starve herself so she will die. She keeps telling me ways to not eat. How to let everybody think I am doing better. I want to get better, I really do. But everything is so triggering.'

She doesn't say anything but puts one arm around me to pull me even closer and her other hand is on my head and gently massages my scalp which soothes me. I hide my face in the crook of her neck. I know I still have a long way to go, but at least I have her with me.

* * *

well, please leave a review guys! My new ( Nikita ) fanfiction will be up soon.


	17. Chapter 17

Hello again!

You know, I don't own grey's anatomy. Never have, never will... Sad but true. I also want to say, if this starts to trigger you in any way, stop reading and go talk to somebody about it

* * *

**Cristina's pov **

I drive my motorcycle back to campus, not paying as much attention to the traffic as I should have. Meredith was right, she won't heal in that kind of situation, even I hated the place, and I am only there for a couple of hours a week. It is true, though; many of their patients are there against their will. Maybe I should search for another clinic or I could discuss outpatient treatment with Meredith's doctor. Not ideal this early in recovery, but everything is better than the situation she is now in.

So when I arrive back at our, my, dorm room I start my search for a solution. I know my parents want me to come home, so maybe I could search for a place near Los Angeles. I don't mind the fact that hours of precious study time are ticking away, I want what's best for my girlfriend and I will find it.

I wouldn't have done this for any other person. I would've ignored it if it happened to someone else. But Meredith isn't just anybody, she isn't just someone, she is my person. If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor. She's my person. I never thought I would get so close to somebody. Sure, when I was younger I would picture myself with a boyfriend, but he would not be my number one priority. Studying would be.

Now, here I am. Doing everything I can for my girlfriend. We both made mistakes, but in the end all we have is each other. So my search for a solution for Meredith changes into something entirely different. Before I know it, I am calling my mother and asking her if I could bring Meredith. I am not only asking her if Meredith could stay at our house, I am also asking her if we could support her in her recovery. I have never been this open to my mother, not even when I was the one spending time in a mental clinic.

The next call I make, is a call to Callie. Of course I have to ask the polite questions first, like how school is and everything. The next subject she forces on me, is my love life, she doesn't even know me and Meredith go to the same med school, let alone dating again.

'Yeah, about that... How much do you know about the recovery of anorexia?' My search on the net hasn't taught me anything new, just general stuff almost everybody knows.

'Why do you want to know? Besides, Addison might know more about it. She is into pediatric, remember? How does this even relate to your love life? Please, Cristina, tell me you are not going down that road again. Remember the last time you dated somebody with anorexia? I am too far away now to stop the bleeding. Literally.'

'Do you think I should call Addison? Is her number still the same? Are you coming home this summer?' I decide that the best way to avoid telling the truth is to ask even more questions.

'I think you should answer my questions first, Yang.'

'Meredith is in a bad place again. I'm just back from the clinic she is staying in and it's horrible. She keeps telling me how she wants to get better, how she doesn't want to leave the treatment facility... but she also keeps telling me how triggering the people in the clinic are. I don't know what to do. It's hard to see her like this. Especially now I am the one who makes all the decisions... sure, she can check herself out against doctor's orders any minute, but she doesn't.' Towards the end tears are streaming down my face and I am struggling to sound normal.

'You are taking about Meredith Grey, aren't you? Just wait a minute and I will call you back on Skype. Is it okay if I add Addison to the group? I think she might be able to help you...'

Before I can answer her she is already gone and for the time being I go back to googling solutions. The two of them will probably first talk about the fact that I am seeing Mer again, it will take a while.

I know they can't help Meredith, not really. Nobody but herself can help Meredith. But it still feels good to talk to somebody. At least the two of them were there when she was recovering the first time. At least they know the two of us.

Addison's advice was really good. She still made some comments about me dating Mer again, but she listened to me talking and she gave me some stuff to look into, so when I walked into Meredith's room a week later, I knew what the possibilities were, I should now just talk to Mer about them.

'Hey.' I tell her while standing in the doorpost. She looks distant again and I don't like it. I don't ask her how she is; only looking at her gives me enough answers.

'I can't do this anymore Cristina.' She turns around and I can see tears streaming down her cheeks again. Slowly, I walk towards her and take one of her hands in mine.

'You just can't give up now. You are Meredith Grey. You are stronger than this.' I say with a strong and firm voice. 'You are way stronger than this.'

'No, I'm not. Maybe, Cristina, maybe you should leave me alone. Let me rot in here, just like what I'm doing with my mother.'

'Meredith, you are my person. You are going to get through this. I don't care what it takes, he'll, I would even drop med school for you.' I start to tell her, but she interrupts me rather quickly.

'No, you wouldn't. I know you love me, but don't drop out just for me. I wouldn't let you, even if you did.' I look at her and give her a small smile, she probably is right.

'I will figure something out, okay? Clearly this place isn't helping you... I talked to Callie and Addison, they are coming home for the summer and they agreed to help you.' She gives me a skeptic look, but I continue. 'I wanted to talk it over with you first, since it's your own life. We could try to do some intense outpatient treatment; maybe you could even do it in Los Angeles. We can drive up to Seattle for a couple of times. Everybody is there, my parents agreed to help us. What do you say?'

'I don't know, Cristina, I don't want anybody to do so much for me.' is her soft reply. I sigh and give her a small kiss on the top of her head.

'We all want to, we all love you. I know it's strange for you, hell it's still strange for me.' I give her another soft kiss and look at her.

'Mer, I have been looking into other options for you, but I can't decide for you. What do you need to get better?' I sit down on her bed and look at her.

'I... I don't want to bother you. Maybe staying here would be best... you will still be able to go on with your life.'

'How many times do I have to tell you? You are not a bother. I love you and nothing you do could ever bother me. So, speak up Mer.' I tell her firmly.

'I... maybe an inside program isn't the best for me. I miss med school, I miss waking up beside you...' I smile and look at her, hoping she would continue.

'Mer, don't get me wrong... but I have one problem with these things, when you stayed in the dorm room and wake up beside me, you were refusing to eat.'

'So you want me to stay here and break up?' I know she can't think clearly now. I know she will jump to conclusions too fast, she always does.

'No, Mer, I want what's best for you. I want you to learn how to love yourself again.' She moves towards me and sits down beside me, tears streaming down her cheeks again.

'I am eating, I really am. When Anna is talking to me I imagine you sitting beside me and I replace her voice and comments with yours. I know it's selfish to ask, but I want my rock beside me every day, not once a week, it doesn't help me at all. I know I should be independent, but for now I just can't. Everybody here is expecting stuff from me. Everybody expects me to communicate with these morons. I am the daughter of Elise Grey, I am in med school. I am way above these people and some want to get me down again.'

I smile when I realise we are finally getting somewhere with this little talk.

'Okay, but what would you want? I can't just get you out of treatment, you are still very ill. Your brain is working against your body. You need help with accepting a lot of stuff. I am willing to help you; you know I always am and always will be... but I think I am part of the problem...'

I can feel her head on my shoulder again, a very well-known position for her to take in.

'Only talking to a therapist won't help me... maybe later on, but I get what you are saying. I need serious help... maybe a program where I can go home at night, spend time with you?'

'Like I said, I have been talking to Callie and Addison, but also to my mother. We were thinking of going to Los Angeles; maybe even go to Seattle for a couple of days. We have a lot of people back there, people who are willing to help you... I would have done it alone, but I think it's not what you need. There are a couple of good clinics down there and we could leave next week, after our tests are done...'

I look up when somebody knocks on the door to tell me visiting hour is up. I give her another kiss and stroke her hair a final time.

'Don't do anything stupid. I love you.' I say before standing up. 'If you need help with studying you should call me. See you in a couple of days. You will be staying in our room that week, just so you know.' I look at her and try to be as positive as I can be, I don't want her to sink too deep. She always hates it when I have to go, but today seems even worse.

'You will be alright, Mer. See you Sunday.' I walk towards the door and turn around briefly. She doesn't look at me, she stares at the wall and I can see she is crying.

I check myself out and walk towards my car. It's a sunny day and I would have loved to spend it outside with Meredith, maybe go to a lake and do a bit of swimming, but none of that is possible, right now, so I sit in my car and drive back towards the campus. Everybody is outside, what else did I expect? They are all studying in the sun, enjoying the last peaceful minutes they have left.

Inside it's quiet. There is nobody around; at least now nobody will stop me to talk to me. Ask me questions. No, I can just make my way towards my room and do a lot of studying. I know I will probably pass the test, but passing isn't good enough for me. No, I want to be top of the class.

It's funny how you can plan something. You can plan every minute of your day, but in the end there will always be events that make you change the plan.

Schools have these safety plans for students. We get educated in what to do. What to do when you think somebody might have spiced your drink. What to do when somebody is being inappropriate. What to do when something bad has happened to you.

They can prepare us for everything, but in the end it won't help a thing. The minute I felt his presence I was lost. Sure, I fought and tried to get away, but it didn't help. As soon as he shoved something before my nose and mouth, probably a drug that would knock me out, I knew I had lost. I fought to stay awake, but it was lost in seconds.

I wake up, hoping it was all a dream. But the pain indicates it wasn't. He is lying on top of me, whispering words I do not yet understand in my ear.

'You belong to me, Cristina. You always have and you always will. You think that whore is your everything? You are wrong. I am here for you. I have always taken care of you; I am taking care of you right now.' I want to cry out for help, but all I can do is let the tears flow and wish it's soon over. I can't move. I can only close my eyes and beg. Beg him to stop. It hurts. It hurts so bad.

And it does end. He comes inside of me with a loud noise and then he leaves. He leaves me feeling dirty. Feeling used. I am used. I am dirty.

The door closes and he leaves me alone. Alone in this room where I used to feel safe. How could somebody do this to somebody else?

My body hurts so badly, but I force myself to get up and lock the door. Tears keep streaming down my face as I walk towards the mirror and check for injuries. He had told me he would be back. He had told me I had to be his girlfriend again. Why did I date this guy? It was probably all my fault.

I look at myself in the mirror. My body is covered with bruises and there is blood. Maybe I should go to the hospital and let them check me for internal injuries. But going to the hospital would mean telling people. I don't know what he would do to me, or even worse, to Meredith, when he finds out I have been talking.

So I do the only thing a rape victim shouldn't do. I walk towards the shower and stand underneath a very hot stream. I scrub my body till the skin is red and raw. I want him off of me.

I know I probably should get the morning after pill, but my body hurts too much to walk the distance towards the pharmacy and I don't want to go outside. This room doesn't feel safe anymore, but at least I could lock people outside.

I take off the sheets and in a clear thought I put them in a paper bag and close it. It's not like I am not going to the police, but you never know. However, even with clean sheets I can't sleep in that bed. I know sleep won't come easily, probably never will, but at least I could sleep in the other bed.

* * *

**Meredith's POV**

Finally it's Sunday, the last day of my stay in this prison. After the finals, Cristina and I will leave for Los Angeles and there I will have more therapy. Everything I own is packed in bags and all I have to do now is wait for Cristina to arrive.

I give her a generous smile and walk towards her, ready to give her a tight hug. However, when I get close to her I can see how she flinches away from me and avoids eye contact. What is going on with her?

'Ready to go?' She asks with the coldest voice I have ever heard her use. I decide to talk to her when we get back to campus, for now all I do is nod.

It's still before lunch when we park in front of the campus and I look at Cristina while she is trying to hold back her tears. Softly, I lay a hand on her arm, but what she does next surprises me. She backs away from my touch and she looks so, so scared. Is she cutting again? What else could explain this behaviour?

I look at her for a while, but make sure I don't touch her anymore. I want to, I really want to wrap my arms around her and hug her. Make sure she is alright.

When I finally figured out what to say to her, she is already unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out of the car, still looking around her as if she thinks somebody might hurt her.

I take my stuff and walk towards our dorm room, knowing she is following me. I put away my bags and turn around to face her.

'Show me your arms Cristina.' I tell her without walking closer towards her. I don't know why she is so distant, but I will figure it out. I watch as she stands there, looking at her feet. In that moment, I know that her arms are no longer covered with just scars. They are covered with fresh wounds. I feel guilty; she did this because she had to take care of me. She was doing everything for me and now she finally broke down.

'Cristina, show me your arms.' I tell her again. But when she finally rolls her sleeves up I see no red, nor do I see bandages. Her arms are clean.

I walk towards her and look at her for quite some time. 'Cristina, be honest with me. Did you cut yourself again?' I ask her, now no longer indicating for a specific location. She doesn't say anything; she just keeps looking at her feet and ignoring me.

'Cris, you know you can tell me. Please, just tell me. I need to know.' I beg her. Finally, her eyes look up and meet mine. Finally she nods and hugs herself. What happened to the strong woman I saw a couple of days ago?

'Please, Cristina; can I see the new wounds? I know you don't take care of them as you should do. For a med student, you can be really sloppy when it comes towards your own wounds.' I tell her with a small smile. Normally, it never takes me this long with her. Sure, she hides it, but as soon as she knows what she is doing she just lets me take care of her.

'Cristina Yang, do I need to force you? I might be small, but I gained a few pounds.' I threaten her and to my surprise she does as I tell her. She takes of her pants and I can see the many new scars on them. They are all fresh, the oldest only a couple of days old. How could this have happened?

Softly, I take her arm and lead her towards the bathroom, ignoring her crying. Why she is so upset, I will figure out later, for now I want to make sure she doesn't get an infection.

I let her sit down on the closed toilet sit and take a washcloth to remove the blood. I take one of her hands in one of mine and look at her for a minute. 'Hey, I won't hurt you Cristina, I am not mad at you either. This happens, just let me take care of you for now.'

To say I am worried is the very least you could say. These wounds don't look like her old ones. I have seen the results of her cuttings way to many times. These look like they are made with an unsteady one, but everybody knows Cristina is the perfect surgeon. She knows how to handle a scalpel and as sad as it is, she knows how to handle the scalpel on her own skin. But only one look at her shaking hands tells me she probably was shaking very badly. Why, I don't know. Not yet.

As fast as I can, I clean every single wound and when I am done I pull her up with me.  
'Come on, let's take our textbooks and walk towards that pub you like. We can eat something while studying.' She just nods and walks out of the bathroom, still tears flowing down freely.

I walk after her and wrap my arms around her; she isn't a person who would hug me back. But she isn't a person whoscreams and fights me like she is doing now. I let go of her as fast as I can and start to talk to her in my calmest voice. She is acting so weird, what could possibly be going on?

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So, the first part of the story was added in to make people aware of the fact not

all treatments work for everybody. Mental of physical injuries are different for each individual needs a different approach. The second part was added in to make people aware of the fact it happens. It happens and victims should talk about it. They should go to the hospital and go to the police. It's not there fault, even when they think it is.

Again, if you want to talk, you know where my pm box is. I will reply to all of you and we can talk about everything.

The first chapter of my Nikita fanfiction is published as of now. If you guys want to read it I would be so happy!

Please leave a review and love to everybody who is still reading this story. I love you guys, you are the best!


	18. Chapter 18

hello everybody, sorry for the long wait. chapter 19 is also ready... I took a little break, after nanowrimo was over ( and I won it this time! ) I focussed more on the horses yeah. so, school is starting again monday, so I will try to get writing into a schedule. Nikita chapter 2 should be online soon... I hope...

Again, I want to warn you. I don't think this stuff is M stuff yet and it probably never will, but it is still heavy!

**WARNINGS are still there, self harm, eating disorder... and rape. **

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**Meredith's POV**

We both did really well on the finals and I am proud to say that I will be in my second year next year. Cristina on the other hand doesn't look too happy. She pretends everything is alright and she takes care of me, but I can see something is wrong.

We are waiting for our luggage, but all she does is nervously look around, jumping aside when anybody comes close to her. What the hell is wrong with my girlfriend? I have asked her so many times already, but she has never actually answered me. She would just tell me she was worried about the finals or me or something else. She has been worried about me before but I can't recall her acting like this.

When I have all our stuff, I take her hand and give it a slight squeeze. At least she is okay with me touching her again. Together, we walk towards the exit of the airport and I start looking for her parents. They will leave tomorrow, so Cristina and I will have the place for ourselves for the next weeks. Callie and Addison would be coming shortly and I will start with my therapy next week. It's not the ideal situation, but I think I have enough people who will make sure I will eat.

When I spot her parents, I lead her towards them and shake their hands in a polite way. At least Elise Grey taught me something besides the fact that I am annoying.

That night, I can feel her tense up again as I lay down beside her. We haven't slept in the same bed since I got out of the clinic and I am really starting to wonder why. Softly, I move my hand through her hair and lean in to give her a soft kiss, hoping that it will calm her down.

Her tensing up has now turned into soft crying. I sit up and look at her. She looks like she doesn't have had much sleep and she looks scared. She looks so scared and I don't know why.

'Please don't hurt me. Stop.' She softly cries as I look at her. This alarms me, what is she so scared about?

'Cristina, what's wrong? I won't hurt you, you know that.' I tell her softly, but it doesn't look like it is calming her down. 'Cris, look at me.' I try again. She turns around and as the tears keep falling down she looks at me with so much pain written all over her face. It hurts so much to see her like this. What happened?

I move away from her and hope the extra space will calm her down. Softly, I talk to her and try to calm her down, but it's definitely not working. 'Cristina? You need to calm down. What's wrong? Talk to me. Shhh, it's alright. Nobody is going to hurt you. I will go get your mother now, so stay here and take deep breaths. I will be right back.' I tell her while getting up and walk towards the door.

'Meredith, please don't leave me.' She cries as I reach the door. I turn around and watch her for some time. She looks all sweaty and tired. I walk back towards the bed, wondering why she snapped out of it so suddenly. I grab the water bottle beside the bed and hand it to her.

'Okay, I won't leave you. Now, drink that water and why don't we just talk for a minute?' I give her a reassuring smile and sit down on the far end of the bed. 'You had me worried there quite a bit. What's going on? This isn't you, Cris. Who is hurting you? Talk to me Cristina.' I watch as she shakes her head and finally moves closer towards me. She sits down beside me and takes my hand tightly in hers. I want to caress her face in my hands to wipe her tears away but decided against it, I don't want her freaking out again.

'You have to talk to me. I don't know what's going on and if I don't, I won't be able to help you.' I try again, still hoping to get her to talk to me.

'There is nothing to talk about. I am fine.' She has always been stubborn, so why I am still surprised?

'Do you want me to sleep somewhere else? I don't want you to be afraid.' I give her hand a tight squeeze. She takes a deep breath and looks at me, softly shaking her head. 'Okay.' I tell her.

This time I make sure I am on the wall side of the bed, hoping it will make her a bit more comfortable. No really need her to talk, but I also need to take care of myself. I will ask Callie to talk to her, maybe she can get something out of her.

I watch her for a long time and smile when she is finally asleep; it has taken quite some time for her to even be able to close her eyes for a little while, let alone actually sleep. It's so weird to see her like this and I keep wondering why she is acting like this. I really can't figure it out and she won't tell me.

When the morning came, I am still awake, hovering over Cristina, talking to her every time she looks distressed. It has been a rough night, but I probably wouldn't have slept that much even if I had actually tried to sleep. I have to get her to talk to me. I really have to figure out what will make her speak about whatever is going on. So here I am, waiting for my girlfriend to wake up and hoping she won't be scared again. It's hard to deal with her; not that I mind. Not at all. She has done so much for me already. She has been so supportive through everything. Now is my turn to get her through this. Whatever it is.

I decide that I should probably get up before she does and shower or something. I don't want her to freak out again and it seems like the only time she freaks out is when I am too close to her. So as quiet as possible, I get out of bed and move towards the bathroom. At some point today Callie and Addison will arrive and I am still trying to figure out who should try talking to Cristina. I mean, sure, I will try again today. I definitely will try again, but I don't think I will have success. The worst possible reasons behind her behaviour start to pop into my head and I just can't handle this all. So when I get out of the shower, avoided the scale and mirror, I walk towards her bed and sit down on it, watching her as she wakes up.

'Cris, we need to talk about last night.' I tell her when she has her eyes fully opened. Not the greatest way to wake up, at least I think it isn't. She moves away from me instantly. 'Cris, it is me. What's wrong with you? Could you please tell me?' I ask her again, but she just shakes her head and looks down, avoiding my eyes. 'Cristina, please. What is wrong? I am freaking out internally about what could possibly be wrong. Are you mad at me for not finishing my time at the clinic? Is there something wrong with you? Has something happened when I was away?' I move closer towards her and take her hand in mine; she still wants to back away, though.

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**Cristina's POV**

I watch her from my spot on the bed and try not to cry. When did I become so emotional? I hate how she thinks it has something to do with her, but she couldn't handle the truth. She wouldn't want me anymore and yes, I am selfish. I am selfish for wanting her to stay with me, just because she is my rock. I know she will always try and do what is best for me, but she needs to take care of herself now. I will be fine. I will be fine until we get back to campus. I know it's going to be horrible to get back to campus, but I need to be supportive of Meredith. I need her to focus on her own life. I will be fine in the end. Five more years of torture and then I will be fine again. Until then, I should probably do a lot of acting. I need to hide my fear better. I can't freak out again on her again.

So when I look up towards her I try to smile at her and I even take her hand. 'Enough about me, how are you doing?' I try to turn the conversation around and I am really curious how she is doing. I have been a bad girlfriend; I should not have left her to deal with her own stuff just like that. For the next weeks I am safe. I am fine. However, after these few weeks is what scares me the most. What if she ever finds out what he is doing with me? What if she leaves me for it? I look at her and move closer towards her, wanting to make sure she is still around. Wanting to keep her close to me for now. I know she won't hurt me, so why not be close to her?

I really try to be optimistic and happy and not feel so scared all the time. It's hard not to feel like that, though. It really is. All I want to do is lie in bed all day and cry. Really cry. I don't want anybody around me, but there will be. I don't think Mer is willing to leave my side for too long and honestly, her wishes come first. She has had more problems so far and she should feel loved. I can't really give her love, but I can try.

So I drag my tired body out of bed and walk downstairs to prepare some breakfast for Meredith. I don't make anything for myself; the taste of his lips still in my mouth makes it hard to eat. So when I place the plate in front of her I sit down with only a glass of water. Coffee is also a no go. He has tuned everything for me. I don't look at Meredith and focus on my glass of water, hoping she doesn't pick up on my weird behaviour. It's weird, even for me. I used to love food and coffee. I used to love being near Meredith. I used to love a lot of things. He has ruined every single one of them for me.

I can feel something wet going over my cheek, I am crying... again. I don't look up. Meredith is probably looking at me and I just can't. I can't handle this anymore. I stand up and try to walk away, but Meredith's voice makes me turn around again.

'Cristina. Sit down. What do you want to eat? I can make it for you. Really not a big problem.' But I know it is. She hates cooking. She isn't good at it and she still looks how many calories are in everything. I won't have her cooking for me. She should be healing herself, not me. I can't heal anymore. I am a lost case.

So I shake my head and grab an apple, hoping it's almost time to go so she won't try and talk to me again. I love her, I really do, but she can be stubborn. If she wants to know something, she will, eventually. That's the whole problem; I don't know how much longer I can keep this a secret. So I eat my apple as slowly as possible and try to ignore her. When it's almost time to go I look at her plate and smile when I see she has eaten everything.

'Cristina, I know it sounds weird coming from me... but you need to eat. Seriously, don't do what I do. It will destroy your life. So, tell me, why have you been restless these past few days? Why haven't you been eating? Why are you constantly in the shower? Why have you been throwing up so much?' I shake my head and turn around so I won't have to face her. It's not something I want to talk about with her or with anybody really. I can feel these damn eyes starting to get wet again and before I know it I am crying, again.

Her soft hands turn me around and I rest my head in the crook of her neck. I hate to feel so weak. I hate the fact that I am constantly crying. I hate the fact that I can't talk about it. I should be strong for her. What happened to me was my own stupid fault and I should just deal with the aftermath. Meredith has so much more going on right now and she hardly ever cries.

I try to calm myself down and try to concentrate on Meredith's words and heartbeat. When I finally calm down a bit, she let go of me and takes a step back so she can look at me.

'You are not gonna tell me what's wrong, are you?' She asks and I shake my head as an answer. There is nothing wrong, nothing I can't handle on my own. 'What do you need me to do to help you? You can ask me anything, Cris. Just tell me how I can help you.' I shake my head again and move closer to her so I can lay my head on her shoulders once again. I just need another minute of peace and listening to her heartbeat before I can go on with my day calms me. She pulls me much closer and wraps her arms around me. She doesn't say anything, and that's all I need.

The minute turns a bit longer, but when I let go of her again I feel a lot better. I can still see the worry in her eyes, but she doesn't speak again. She just wipes my tears away and takes my hand to lead me towards the car so we can go to the airport. I know she won't stop questioning my behaviour, but for now she leaves me alone.

The airport is a whole new situation. Sure, Meredith keeps holding my hand and squeezes it every so often, but I am still very alert and I keep checking for a man who looks familiar. I hate to feel so powerless and maybe I should talk to somebody about it. Maybe Addison would be a good idea, she could also help me with a pregnancy test since that is a huge part of what she will be doing. But getting to spend time alone with Addison will be difficult.

I don't even know if it will show on a test yet, I mean, it has hardly been two weeks since it first started. I don't even know when I should have my period again. All I know is the fact that I can't have his child. I can't. I don't want to. I couldn't handle it, giving birth to the child of a monster. What if it looks like him? I don't even want children, like ever.

Another squeeze wakes me up from my thoughts and I look sideways to Meredith. We are now standing somewhere, probably waiting for our friends to arrive.

'I am going to the pharmacy over there real quick. I definitely need some painkillers.' I tell her before letting go of her hand. I walk towards the shop and grab the first pregnancy test kit I saw. I also grab a strip of pain medication and quickly pay for everything. I listen to the old lady who is apparently very excited for a 'beautiful girl just like me producing babies' if only she knew why I could be pregnant. I fake a smile and grab the two products. I put the kit somewhere deep in my bag and walk back to where I left Meredith.

'Here, some water will help wash that stuff away.' She tells me while handing me a bottle of water. I smile and take the bottle and wash away the medication. It's not that I really need it, but well, it will numb me for now.

I try to put on my happy face when I see them walk through the doors. I don't think I succeed, but at least I wasn't crying. I try to avoid hugging and just shake their hands. As soon as we are done with the greetings, I grab Meredith's hand again and try to calm myself down. These are people I know. We were close once. I don't have to freak out. I move closer towards Mer and she just puts an arm around my shoulder without questions. I love how she just knows how to deal with me.

I take a deep breath and look around me. There are so many people in this airport, how am I supposed to check all of them? What if he is here? He knows where I am from. He knows how to find my address. He could show up here.

'You feeling alright?' I hear Addison ask me with a concerned voice. I try to nod my head, but I am way to busy checking my surroundings.

'Come, let's go home. You should try and catch some more sleep on our way home, Cris. I will drive.' Meredith jumps in. I let her lead me back to the car I don't even bother in joining the conversation; I just walk to the back of the car and open the door.

'We can sit in the backseat, Cristina. It's your car, take the front seat.' Callie tells me when I move to sit down. I force a smile on my face and shake my head. 'I know this city and I am planning on taking a quick nap. Please, one of you should take the front seat.' I sit down and close the door. I probably won't be able to relax enough to actually sleep, but I can always fake it.

Everybody is silent for a while before they start to talk. First about how Meredith is doing and then about how Europe is. They are apparently having the time of their lives. After what feels like forever, the subject changes yet again and this time I am not thrilled with their choice of subject. They are talking about me. They are asking what's wrong with me and Meredith is trying to explain the whole situation, talking about some of my odd behaviours.

'So, you don't know what's wrong?' Addison finally asks. Meredith doesn't answer verbally; she probably is making head signals or something.

'Does she still keep a diary? I mean, you should know what's going on with her. I know I haven't spoken to her in a long time, but this sounds a lot like when she was depressed. I don't want her to try to end her life again.' I can hear Addison say beside me.

'I don't know what's going on in her head. Maybe she has her diary with her... could you check in her bag? I know I should do something, but she doesn't allow me to help her. I think she is trying to stay strong for me...' I want to sit up again and take my bag away from Addison, but I know they will only get more worried. What could she possibly find in my bag? My diary is still under my pillow. So, I listen as Addison goes through my bag and suddenly stops moving. It's silent for a minute before Callie asks if she has found anything. Only then I remember the pregnancy test kit. God, no!

'Uhh… no, it's not here.' She says and I am able to sort of relax again.

I sit up again when we take the turn towards my house and look at Addison. She looks at me with a curious, but slightly angry, face. As soon as the car stops, I open the door and walk upstairs. Maybe they will leave me alone for now, but it was wishful thinking. A certain redhead walks into my room just minutes later.

'Cristina, please tell me that what I saw in your bag wasn't real. You think you are pregnant? You cheated on Meredith?!' I look at the ground and start to cry again. She is right, I cheated on my girlfriend. I am such a disgusting creature. Maybe they wouldn't worry about me trying to slit my wrists again, maybe they were hoping for me to do it.

'Why did you do it? Don't you love her? Was it because she was in the clinic? Have you taken the test already?' So many questions at once and I don't know how to answer them.

'I didn't mean to... I love her; I love her so, so much. She honestly is the reason why I still try to live. I –I... I don't... I don't deserve to... to live.'

'Okay, stop with the self-pity, Yang. The girl has had a rough life, okay? You made a mistake; I don't care whether or not you were drunk. You made the decision to sleep with somebody else.' I only start to cry louder and walk towards one of the empty corners of the room. I sit down and hug my own body.

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.' I repeat over and over again, crying while I hug myself. I'm trembling with fear with thoughts of what he might do to me again, of things he will make me do.

'Yeah, try telling Meredith that. Do you know how worried she is?' I hear someone scream at me. I try to move away from the loud voice. He yelled at me when I did something wrong. He always yells at me. I don't know what I did wrong this time, he hasn't asked me to do anything yet.

'I am sorry, Darren.' I cry while still trying to move away from the person in front of me. The person kneels down in front of me and is asking me all those questions.

'Do you want me to get Meredith?' is the only thing I can really understand; I shake my head.

'Please, no! Don't hurt her. It's me you're after. Just please, you can do anything to me as long as you don't hurt her.' I cry, begging him not to get Meredith. I try to hold the person in front of me, keeping them in place so they wouldn't get anywhere near my Meredith.

'Calm down, Cristina. Nobody is going to hurt Meredith. Nobody is going to hurt you. Calm down. Look at me. You know who I am. It's me, Addison.' I look up and see the redhead sitting in front of me. She looks shocked and sad at the same time. What happened? What made the girl who always seems to have control over her emotions look like that?

'Addison?' I recognized her.

'Hey… welcome back. You gave me quite a scare there. Is it alright if I sit beside you?' I move out of the corner so I can make room for Addison, still not sure what she is talking about or if I can open up to her. I know what she is trying to do.

'If you want me to stop, just tell me, okay? You are the one in control.' She pauses to look at me and I nod, now knowing what this is about. Her doctor mode kicked in. She knows. She knows. I must have had another flashback and talked.

'Can you tell me who Darren is?' I move away when I hear the name. I don't want to answer that question. I don't want to talk about him. 'Did he hurt you?' She asks. I nod, it's the only thing I can do. 'How did he hurt you? You have to tell me Cristina. I want to help you, but you need to talk to me.'

I shake my head and look at her. 'I can't. He will hurt Meredith. I... I wrote it down... under my pillow.'

'Okay. Is it okay for me to read it?' I nod and look away again, waiting for Addison to read my diary. I wouldn't have told her, he couldn't be mad about her finding out on her own or could he? It's silent for so, so long and I can hear Addison sniff a couple of times while she is reading.

'Oh, sweetheart, why did you keep this to yourself for so long? Is it okay if I drive you to the hospital? Somebody needs to make sure you are okay. They need to do a pregnancy test and check for a possibility of STDs or any infection.'

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please leave a review guys!


	19. Chapter 19

**Okay guys. I am so so so sorry for not updating! It has been a rough time for me. I hate myself so much for letting you wait for so long, but my health was more important... Anyway, from now on I will try and update this story and my other more frequently. I can't promise anything, but I will try. **

**I hope somebody is still reading this and I hope you will comment. I want to know what I can improve. This chapter has been written so long ago, I can't even remember what it's all about... Shame on me. **

**Love you guys! **

Cristina's pov

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I look at her for a long time and shake my head. I don't want to go the hospital. I absolutely don't want to go. I want to stay here, in this room, and just forget everything but I need to know if Mer is okay, first. Maybe Addison can check for me.

'Could you make sure Meredith is okay?' I softly ask. I have not been doing a good job at making sure she is alright.

'She is hanging in there, I think we are all more worried about you. Meredith told us you have been acting weird. After reading your diary, I understood, but she doesn't. Cristina, please let me drive you to the hospital so we can make sure you are alright.' I shake my head again and move even further away from her.

'I am fine. I don't need to go to the hospital. I don't need to talk about it. It was a mistake telling you. I didn't mean it, it was just an easy way out. I cheated on her. It was me who slept with a guy. I don't love her. I don't want to be with a girl. Why would I ever want to be with a girl? Who would take me serious?' She stands up and offers me a hand. I had expected something entirely different from her. Why would she be so calm?

'You do love her and you are panicking right now. Come, sitting here won't help. You don't want to go the hospital today? Fine, but tomorrow we will go and get your blood tested. We don't have to tell the doctors why you want your blood to get tested. They don't have to do a rape kit. For now we will go downstairs and you will eat something.' I wipe away a new series of tears and stand up, avoiding putting much weight on my left leg.

When we reach downstairs, Meredith immediately walks towards me and looks at me for a long time. I know she can see my tear stained eyes. I'm pretty sure they're red from all the crying. I don't walk away from her and let her take my hands in hers. It doesn't feel as natural as it once had. I wanted to back away, but at the same time I wanted to feel normal again. She is my girlfriend, she should be able to hold my hands.

'You okay?' She asks after a while. I want to nod and smile, but I end up shaking my head. No, I am not okay. I feel dirty, used, scared. I want to disappear. I want it all to end. That's how I feel, not okay at all. I don't want to die, I just don't want to be me right now.

She wraps her arms around me and I try to get away from her touch. This is too much. I can't do this. He ruined me. She shouldn't have to **hug** such a damaged girl like me. She keeps her arms around me and starts to whisper in my ear. Just silly nonsense, surgical stuff. I feel my body relax after a long time and I rest my head on her shoulder, suddenly feeling very tired. I close my eyes for just a second and yawn.

'You haven't been sleeping well the past few days.' I hear in my ear and I can't help but to snuggle closer to her. 'You can try and sleep now... we can lay down upstairs or you can use the couch. I'll hold you the entire time you are sleeping. If that doesn't work for you we can always go for a drive and hope it will make you sleepy.' I smile, appreciating how well she knows me.

'You haven't eaten lunch yet. I can stay awake for a little longer.' I try to get loose from her embrace so I can start preparing food.

'Addison is already working in the kitchen. Does the couch work for you? We can always go upstairs you prefer.' I yawn and let her take me towards the couch in front of the television. She sits down and I sit beside her, still half leaning on her and she puts her arms around my shoulder and rubs her thumb soothingly along my skin. I try to keep my eyes open as I watch the show they are currently watching but the lids of my eyes are getting heavier and I can't help but close them.

'Here you go, Meredith, hope this is okay?' The redhead is standing in front of us when I open my eyes again. 'I made something for you too, Cristina.' She hands me a second plate and sits down on the other couch, the one Callie is also sitting on. I had forgotten about her, but she is looking at us with interest. When she noticed my look she smiles at me and turns around to face the TV again.

I try to eat something, but I just feel so tired and my leg has been killing me for the last couple of days. It's not something I want the others to worry about, it's probably nothing. Probably should have been more careful with those wounds, I mean, the knife he used was rusty and it has been over a week already, it shouldn't hurt this much. It should have started healing. But it's like Schrödinger's cat; the wound is healing healthy and getting infected until I rip of the bandage and look at it.

I try to eat a little bit more, but as soon as MerediRth has finished her plate, I stop. I put the plate away and lay down on the couch. Soft hands go through my hair as I try to fall asleep. How I dealt with the pain before I can't remember, probably blocking everything out or something. Now on the other hand it really starts to get painful.

'Meredith? Could you get me a painkiller?' I ask softly. She gives me a soft kiss on my head and helps me move so she can get up.

'What do you need the painkiller for?' I hear Addison ask from her spot on the couch. I should never have told her what happened, she is never letting it rest now.

'Just my leg.' I reply shortly. I don't want her to get worried. I mean, it's just my leg. Why did I even ask for painkillers?

'Mind if I take a look?' She asks while she is already standing up.'Where does it hurt?' She asks when she is sitting beside me on the couch. She is too close for me to relax. When I point at my upper leg she looks at me for a little while and moves again, taking a blanket from one of the chairs and hands it to me.

'Nobody can really see you laying here, so could you please take your pants off so I can look?' She asks calmly. I want to shake my head and just walk upstairs, but my body goes into autopilot and does what she asks, revealing the dirty and, after all the showers, slightly damp bandage. She puts the blanket on my legs, probably to make me feel more comfortable. She told me the entire time what she is going to do, but she stops abruptly when she sees the wounds. Her hand move towards my face as if she is checking my temperature.

'Callie, come here for a second.' She says while holding her cold hand on my head. 'Callie will sit with you, in the meantime I will go and grab some supplies I need. Please be honest with us, Meredith isn't here anyways so you can tell us... was the knife clean? Did you at least clean it before cutting?'

I look at the two girls in front of me and wipe away a tear. 'I don't know. I don't think he used a clean knife.' I whisper. I can feel the soft hand of Addison on my arm. 'You sure you don't want to go to the hospital?' I shake my head.

'Okay, we won't for now. Callie... I'm going to distract Meredith for a while... could you please take pictures of this? Is it okay if I explain it to Callie later? She won't tell Meredith, but I think she needs to know...' I look at from Addison to Callie and finally nod. I watch Addison walk away and move my head to look at Callie. She still looks really confused, but she takes the camera she has in her bag and walks towards me.

'I will be as quick as possible, okay? Are there any more wounds?' she asks trying to look me into the eyes. I'm so ashamed of myself, I just look down and avert my gaze. I shake my head and wait for it to be over. 'I don't know what's going on, but why not tell Meredith?' she asks again. God, she's so nosy. I shake my head and turn around to see if they are coming back already. What is taking them so long?

'Hey, Addison, can you bring a damp washcloth? She feels hot.' Callie yells when she sees me looking. 'That should get them here.' She winks at me.

I turn around when I see Mer and Addison walk down the stairs again. Mer doesn't waste time and sits down on the couch, immediately pressing something cold on it. I try to smile, but I am just so tired.

'Okay, Cris. I am going to clean this wound and we will have to do this a couple of times a day. Sorry for that. I can give you painkillers if you want?' I smile and shake my head. They are all trying so hard to help me and what do I do? I make it impossible. I should have taken care of those wounds. I should have told Meredith sooner. I should have fought harder. I should have done so many things.

She works fast and careful. Before I can realise what's going on she is already done and hands me a glass of water. 'Stay hydrated, okay? Now go to sleep.' Addison tells me before putting the blanket on me again and walks away.

I drink the whole glass and put it away before curling up again. I can still feel Meredith's fingers going through my hair as she whispers into my ear until I start to drift of.

Meredith's POV

Her breathing finally evens out and I sit up again, still stroking her hair and keeping a wet washcloth on her forehead. Addison and Callie left the room a little earlier and are talking outside, I don't know about what, but it seems intense. I look at them curious when they enter the room again. Curius turns into worry when I see Callie has been crying. She shakes her head and walks to the chair, putting on some silly TV show. I don't focus on it, I think nobody really does. I just sit here, wondering why the wounds got infected. I know how something gets infected, but she has always taken care of her wounds. The second part I find strange is the fact that she didn't cut anywhere else. When she has a relapse she normally just cuts a lot for a period of time.

'Thank you, guys. Thank you for taking care of her.' I tell them. 'I know you guys think it's not a big deal, but it is. We both have had a rough year and honestly, we only had each other... so thank you for coming here and helping us.' I give them a smile.

'You are welcome, but Mer… are you doing okay? I mean, you don't have therapy now and Cristina, she is in a bad place right now. You should take care of yourself. If you want to talk, cry, laugh, whatever... I, we, are here for you. You look as exhausted as the girl sleeping on your lap... but you allow her to sleep, not yourself. I mean, I know you probably stay up entire nights just to calm her down or make sure she doesn't do something stupid but you need your sleep, too.' Callie tells me.

'You know what, Meredith? I will sleep with her tonight. I can sleep on the floor and make sure she is doing okay. You can get some sleep and just make sure you are alright. Make sure you have at least an hour for yourself. I don't care what you do, just take time for yourself.' Addison adds.

'Guys, she has done everything for me... I don't know what's going on with her, but I want to be there for her. I trust you, I honestly do. But I have left her before and I don't want her to think I am leaving her again.'

'Let me tell you this, Meredith, when she called a couple of weeks back and asked me how much I knew about anorexia I got mad at her. The person who almost destroyed her had anorexia, how could she possibly have gotten involved with another one? And then she reveals it is you and I got even madder. We skyped for a while and she told us what you had done for her so far. She told us about her nightmares and the cutting and everything. She never had to tell us, but she loves you so much and she trusts you. Then, back at the airport, I could see why. She wasn't in a good mindset and you just took her hand and made sure she got into the car. You know how to deal with her. Even now on the couch she is leaning on you, literally. All she needs now is you taking care of yourself, so you can take care of her. Take an hour for yourself. Every other night, one of us could watch her so you can be fit the next day. She won't get better if she sees you are not doing better. You two need to accept the help other people offers you. You need to let others in.' I smile when I hear Callie's words and shake my head.

'I know, guys... but I don't know. You're probably right... next week I will start with therapy... I won't be seeing her much in the next weeks.' I stroke through her hair again.

'Therapy will be exhausting, you will need your rest.' I shake my head again and look at the two sitting in front of me.

'I don't know what's wrong with her, but I know it's something serious... I need to be close to her right now. Yes, therapy is exhausting, but I can manage. I will have to. I really appreciate it when you guys want to help but I have made so many mistakes... I need her to be okay.'


End file.
